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I feel pathetic, simply because I am so bored. I am supposed to be doing HW but the internet isn’t working. So I am sure you ask how is it that you are writing this LJ entry? Yeah, I am using Microsoft word and then copying and pasting when I get home.
Home, where I would love to be, but instead I am babysitting. The kids are adorable. The older brother was in bed by 6:30, which to any babysitting is a dream. The little one however, the one who is usually wicked good has been crying the whole time. Granted, he is only 4 months old, and I am not mad at him or the situation, I am just tired.
Tired, I need sleep. I get sleep, but it is just never enough. I am just running around so much that when I get home I crash, and even 8 or 10 hours isn’t enough. My body hates me.
Hates me, my mom hates me. I know I have been saying that all of my life, but it is true. And I hate to say this, because I know I will regret it when I am older when all of a sudden my mother and I are BFF’s, but a part of me hates her. I have spent all of my life saying she is bipolar, but that is just no excuse. I have also spent all of my life listening to people say that they became friends with their moms when they got older and moved out. I am sorry, but when you lived at your house did your mother tell you that you were a worthless son of a bitch who was useless and spoiled and nobody cared about. The whole I make everyone’s life miserable thing is old news now, she has gone on to bigger and better things, like saying my life is not worth living, nobody really cares about me. I could go on and say what my mother actually said that put me into tears that night, but the last thing I need is it in writing to remember it for years to come. Quite honestly I don’t remember half of what she says because I choose not to. I try to respect mom, but sometimes I just don’t know what to do…
Oh what to do. Literally, I need to do my HW. I am wicked stressed out about how much I have to do. I got my biggest fear over with and that was my presentation. For anyone who knows me, Liz especially, you would know that I have a HUGE fear of speaking in front of people. The number of times I have raised my hand in class can be counted on one hand. Anywho, I kicked ass. It feels good to say nice things about myself too, I am actually proud. I have done well in school before, but never because I tried wicked hard, or so I felt. High school was all a joke and I made it through with such high grades by being best friends with the teachers… This time I worked hard for my grade, and I got a 95 in the end. I was so happy. I also have my art history paper to write. The paper is due next Thursday, and even though I ordered the book 2 weeks ago, they are still not in and I am getting wicked nervous. AHHHHH. I think I am going to have to spend some time at the Goodnow library weekend. Wow, it has been a long time since I have been there… I also have an adolescent paper due. I have to find a bi-racial child from another country that speaks 6 different languages and who does all of this weird shit. Not literally, but that’s what the teacher expects. If you can find one of those, let me know.
It has been quite the week. Things are better I guess. I admitted to myself where all of my unhappiness came from. It makes me sad though that the one person in this world who actually makes me happy actually thought it was them who was making me upset. Really though, it’s the only person who I feel safe with, and that is why I always cry with them
I am such a baby.
Almost 9:30 and the dad isn’t home… I am hungry, and I am bored. Weeeeee.
Never finished my last entry. It never quite saved either, I am sure I forgot like a weeks worth of information. Whatever…
I am teaching 3 parties with Handy on Sunday. Wicked nervous about that. I know she expects a lot out of me, and I am not sure she realizes how little I know. I have only done 4 parties, all of which were with Kendra and Kendra refuses to let anyone do anything. She wants things done right, so she just does it all herself. Now I am going to do a party and I have no idea even when do things or how. Oy…
Home, where I would love to be, but instead I am babysitting. The kids are adorable. The older brother was in bed by 6:30, which to any babysitting is a dream. The little one however, the one who is usually wicked good has been crying the whole time. Granted, he is only 4 months old, and I am not mad at him or the situation, I am just tired.
Tired, I need sleep. I get sleep, but it is just never enough. I am just running around so much that when I get home I crash, and even 8 or 10 hours isn’t enough. My body hates me.
Hates me, my mom hates me. I know I have been saying that all of my life, but it is true. And I hate to say this, because I know I will regret it when I am older when all of a sudden my mother and I are BFF’s, but a part of me hates her. I have spent all of my life saying she is bipolar, but that is just no excuse. I have also spent all of my life listening to people say that they became friends with their moms when they got older and moved out. I am sorry, but when you lived at your house did your mother tell you that you were a worthless son of a bitch who was useless and spoiled and nobody cared about. The whole I make everyone’s life miserable thing is old news now, she has gone on to bigger and better things, like saying my life is not worth living, nobody really cares about me. I could go on and say what my mother actually said that put me into tears that night, but the last thing I need is it in writing to remember it for years to come. Quite honestly I don’t remember half of what she says because I choose not to. I try to respect mom, but sometimes I just don’t know what to do…
Oh what to do. Literally, I need to do my HW. I am wicked stressed out about how much I have to do. I got my biggest fear over with and that was my presentation. For anyone who knows me, Liz especially, you would know that I have a HUGE fear of speaking in front of people. The number of times I have raised my hand in class can be counted on one hand. Anywho, I kicked ass. It feels good to say nice things about myself too, I am actually proud. I have done well in school before, but never because I tried wicked hard, or so I felt. High school was all a joke and I made it through with such high grades by being best friends with the teachers… This time I worked hard for my grade, and I got a 95 in the end. I was so happy. I also have my art history paper to write. The paper is due next Thursday, and even though I ordered the book 2 weeks ago, they are still not in and I am getting wicked nervous. AHHHHH. I think I am going to have to spend some time at the Goodnow library weekend. Wow, it has been a long time since I have been there… I also have an adolescent paper due. I have to find a bi-racial child from another country that speaks 6 different languages and who does all of this weird shit. Not literally, but that’s what the teacher expects. If you can find one of those, let me know.
It has been quite the week. Things are better I guess. I admitted to myself where all of my unhappiness came from. It makes me sad though that the one person in this world who actually makes me happy actually thought it was them who was making me upset. Really though, it’s the only person who I feel safe with, and that is why I always cry with them
I am such a baby.
Almost 9:30 and the dad isn’t home… I am hungry, and I am bored. Weeeeee.
Never finished my last entry. It never quite saved either, I am sure I forgot like a weeks worth of information. Whatever…
I am teaching 3 parties with Handy on Sunday. Wicked nervous about that. I know she expects a lot out of me, and I am not sure she realizes how little I know. I have only done 4 parties, all of which were with Kendra and Kendra refuses to let anyone do anything. She wants things done right, so she just does it all herself. Now I am going to do a party and I have no idea even when do things or how. Oy…