Being "out" as both personal choice and activist choice (and your permission to share my writing)
*sigh* Trying to eat breakfast and type at the same time.
Also took a clonopin for the first time (ever), waiting to see how that goes with my other meds and head weirdness, but we're hoping it'll taper down the mania, at least briefly. Or at least knock my ass out so I can get some sleep. I'll report further on the experiment as more data comes in. (Edit to add: definitely a good choice to call off today)
From an IM conversation (when yet another awesome person contacted me to chat for a bit and see how I'm doing) My side of the convo only, since I didn't ask specific permission on anything else (if my private conversations discuss other people, or if I want to quote someone, I always try to make sure to get explicit permission first, and still tend to anonymize a good bit) However, since these bits are all about me, me, me:
Thanks so much; I really appreciate the contact. I'm making the personal decision to be this open, but it's still a vulnerable-feeling place, and feedbacks helps extraordinarily.
[reply about accessing my support network, and how excellent it is]
I do. My support network and what I gain by pushing myself to remain transparency makes up a hundred times over the stress of being exposed in that way. And it helps modulate stress on my in-person support, not feel abandoned just because any one person can't manage to be there that day or on that issue.
And being able to model those benefits for others, show them one idea of what they can build in their lives, make them feel less alone, share info, make myself available as a safe space; that's a central and monumental part of my activism, and I treasure the opportunity, and the often beautiful results.
__________________
This really relates to a lot of what I was talking about in terms of primary partners and ability to cope with my radical openness on taboo topics, and it being so important to me. Whether it's psych or sex or chronic invisible illness, or what-have-you that's on my mind at the moment, I basically see this as my calling. It's not just about the misery of having to hide, and hassle of remembering who knows what, the fun of talking sexy-sex. It's about my calling, what I can contribute to the world, my passion for committing to living this way.
Edit to add:
And it's about my joy, too. That's a big element of some non-LJ-appropriate stresses at the moment. I can't be in relationships where my joy is tolerated rather than celebrated. "No tell" relationships may work perfectly well for many people. For me, no. To not be able to freely share that joy with my partner, ramble happily in sexual nostalgia, share my excitement about new developments? Horrible. Horrible to lock down like that, and it kills my sexual relationship with that person, pretty much invariably. It creates a certain type of de facto monogamy that isn't natural, but stress-based. If a flirtation could be a source of stress, of conflict, how can I joyfully enter into it? And what's the point of entering into it if I can't do it with joy, without a guilty conscience nibbling at me about the tensions and stress this is likely to cause? Some of my closest partners have all kinds of erotic frisson about secrecy, and playing at the edge of boundaries. I get it, but for me, it's a sexuality-killer; I can't eroticize it at all. I'm also totally unable to eroticize humiliation-play (see last few days of posts for crystal clear reasons why), or certain types of power dynamics, including being truly submissive (I play around that territory in various ways, and can enjoy other people in those roles on occasion, but I'm basically a switch: stone top/encouraging domme or power bottom willing to accept help being submissive to my own clit, but not to other people. I also cannot eroticize feminization (of me) in the vast majority of ways (there are a few earth mother/warrior woman tricks around that, though, that do connect authentically with my internal gender sense)
What's the SCA policy on whether Time Lord is appropriate garb?
It's also, incidentally, why you are always given blanket permission to share any of my public posts on LJ or FB wherever you feel they might be helpful. Some of my life is used, with my enthusiastic permission, in psych classes that friends teach, for example. And in terms of locked posts, use your discretion. Please don't repost locked stuff publicly, but share as you see fit in more one-on-one or academic circumstances. A heads up, before or after the fact, is nice, but not required. There is very little that makes me feel happier or more fulfilled than the times when something I've addressed helps someone else in some way, or helps people understand at least my little fraction of what it's like to deal with psych issues, chronic illness, nonstandard sexuality, just being a Gonzo-style weirdo.
Also, Clonopin does seem to be taking some of the edge off, although I'd like the migraine meds to be working anywhere near so well. I'm no longer shaking, I'm having an easier time thinking only a few thoughts at a time. Most posts still coming, though.
Also took a clonopin for the first time (ever), waiting to see how that goes with my other meds and head weirdness, but we're hoping it'll taper down the mania, at least briefly. Or at least knock my ass out so I can get some sleep. I'll report further on the experiment as more data comes in. (Edit to add: definitely a good choice to call off today)
From an IM conversation (when yet another awesome person contacted me to chat for a bit and see how I'm doing) My side of the convo only, since I didn't ask specific permission on anything else (if my private conversations discuss other people, or if I want to quote someone, I always try to make sure to get explicit permission first, and still tend to anonymize a good bit) However, since these bits are all about me, me, me:
Thanks so much; I really appreciate the contact. I'm making the personal decision to be this open, but it's still a vulnerable-feeling place, and feedbacks helps extraordinarily.
[reply about accessing my support network, and how excellent it is]
I do. My support network and what I gain by pushing myself to remain transparency makes up a hundred times over the stress of being exposed in that way. And it helps modulate stress on my in-person support, not feel abandoned just because any one person can't manage to be there that day or on that issue.
And being able to model those benefits for others, show them one idea of what they can build in their lives, make them feel less alone, share info, make myself available as a safe space; that's a central and monumental part of my activism, and I treasure the opportunity, and the often beautiful results.
__________________
This really relates to a lot of what I was talking about in terms of primary partners and ability to cope with my radical openness on taboo topics, and it being so important to me. Whether it's psych or sex or chronic invisible illness, or what-have-you that's on my mind at the moment, I basically see this as my calling. It's not just about the misery of having to hide, and hassle of remembering who knows what, the fun of talking sexy-sex. It's about my calling, what I can contribute to the world, my passion for committing to living this way.
Edit to add:
And it's about my joy, too. That's a big element of some non-LJ-appropriate stresses at the moment. I can't be in relationships where my joy is tolerated rather than celebrated. "No tell" relationships may work perfectly well for many people. For me, no. To not be able to freely share that joy with my partner, ramble happily in sexual nostalgia, share my excitement about new developments? Horrible. Horrible to lock down like that, and it kills my sexual relationship with that person, pretty much invariably. It creates a certain type of de facto monogamy that isn't natural, but stress-based. If a flirtation could be a source of stress, of conflict, how can I joyfully enter into it? And what's the point of entering into it if I can't do it with joy, without a guilty conscience nibbling at me about the tensions and stress this is likely to cause? Some of my closest partners have all kinds of erotic frisson about secrecy, and playing at the edge of boundaries. I get it, but for me, it's a sexuality-killer; I can't eroticize it at all. I'm also totally unable to eroticize humiliation-play (see last few days of posts for crystal clear reasons why), or certain types of power dynamics, including being truly submissive (I play around that territory in various ways, and can enjoy other people in those roles on occasion, but I'm basically a switch: stone top/encouraging domme or power bottom willing to accept help being submissive to my own clit, but not to other people. I also cannot eroticize feminization (of me) in the vast majority of ways (there are a few earth mother/warrior woman tricks around that, though, that do connect authentically with my internal gender sense)
What's the SCA policy on whether Time Lord is appropriate garb?
It's also, incidentally, why you are always given blanket permission to share any of my public posts on LJ or FB wherever you feel they might be helpful. Some of my life is used, with my enthusiastic permission, in psych classes that friends teach, for example. And in terms of locked posts, use your discretion. Please don't repost locked stuff publicly, but share as you see fit in more one-on-one or academic circumstances. A heads up, before or after the fact, is nice, but not required. There is very little that makes me feel happier or more fulfilled than the times when something I've addressed helps someone else in some way, or helps people understand at least my little fraction of what it's like to deal with psych issues, chronic illness, nonstandard sexuality, just being a Gonzo-style weirdo.
Also, Clonopin does seem to be taking some of the edge off, although I'd like the migraine meds to be working anywhere near so well. I'm no longer shaking, I'm having an easier time thinking only a few thoughts at a time. Most posts still coming, though.