On second thought...
Apparently SO much less done shaking words out of my fingers than I thought.
(again, reassurance for folks who haven't seen previous posts, the mania is explicable and temporary, look back in LJ for explanation about insurance fuckery)
If you're ever going to find me scribbling on the walls, Shining-style, it will SO be in the shower. All that time to think, and NO PLACE TO RECORD IT! I half considered going after Kidlet's bath crayons just to make notes to myself. It's entirely possible I'll do it in the future. I promise you, though, that it'll be a hell of a lot more interesting that "All work and no play..."
Fragments, phrases, entire paragraphs bouncing around in my head, bumping into each other, approximately five separate half-composed topics each worthy of their own post, from what I can track at the moment. As usual, I'll jot down notes first, so I don't get obsessed with worrying about what I'll forget, and then go back and expand on it. You'll generally only see the last phase of this, but that's what's going on -- literally cannot calm down until I get the words out, but so many going on at once it can be hard even to do that. (Oh, Wonderfalls, how I miss you -- "Get Your Words Out")
This time, here's a bit of what that can look like when I start making notes and going stream of consciousness, although it's obvious that by the end I've started actually composing my thoughts in some fashion or another:
Meds and drugs and clonopin navigation (have a scrip but have never taken it, considering need today), entire classes I've never tried, thanks to Art, navigating being able to "tune" my state with medical knobs, but walking a line about being aware of where that can go very unhealthy, acknowledge it's not like I'm managed to completely successfully dodge that, either. I use a lot of things more habitually than I should, but meds aren't generally among them. Smoking cigarettes is the number one baddie I haven't been able to give up. Other therapies I prefer, including non-addictive meds, TENS therapy (oh so amusing for a kinkster), fucking, massage, impact play, swimming and soaking. More tuning knobs in the arsenal.
Before that, I was humming in the bathroom as I got into the shower, and sort of composing something in my head about what I'd learned about my current limitations musically, and how that's different from the fear I did feel, and how I'm learning to notice the chord notations in my childhood songbook just from repeated exposure, and how that relates to my history learning to read music, what I did and didn't understand about how music _works_, places where a physicist's approach to music is what it's taken for me to grok (I can't remember the title, but there's this awesome series that approaches mathematical underpinnings of octaves, things like that -- many "ah-ha!" moments for me). And also about the ways I'm waaaaaay more visual than auditory in my processing, so starting to pick that up is handy, and learning to actually read music would probably be hugely valuable to me (I've had as much experience as any other kid who sat through several years of various sorts of music classes without having it sink in all that successfully at the time -- basic theory, but no grokkage.) And I was still humming. And I started singing "It's visual, mathematical..." (can we do it?). Yeah. George Michael. I was so amused I would have jumped out of the shower to make a note just about that, if my phone weren't plugged in in the other room at the time.
Incidentally. phone keyboard issues, laptop battery problems, these are some of the great banes of my existence when I'm manic. Quills, The Shining? Yeah, I kinda get it. I get hugely frustrated just having to go back to handwriting because I'm so very much slower at that then typing. I suspect mania may be why I've learned to type at the speeds I do -- generally around 100 wpm tested, and I suspect during these kinds of stream-of-consciousness I'm going quite a bit faster. I can't even talk it out to a recording as fast as I can write this way. It's a lot of why writing things out is so important to me, and even more so because it allows me to go back to the thoughts when I'm in other mood states, to share them more easily, to consider and evaluate them better. Talking is so in the moment and impermanent, and I have a hard time with that, with second-guessing what I said or didn't say, how I said it, how I heard things other people said, or failed to understand them. I actually prefer to do almost all my arguing in writing; so much easier for me to handle in a million ways that a whole other string of posts I'm not even going to approach right now.
And I'm pretty sure I've skipped several of the other topics that were also bouncing around, but which are already at least half-way expressed over on FB or in email, and I'll be copying those and expanding them a bit in a separate post.
(again, reassurance for folks who haven't seen previous posts, the mania is explicable and temporary, look back in LJ for explanation about insurance fuckery)
If you're ever going to find me scribbling on the walls, Shining-style, it will SO be in the shower. All that time to think, and NO PLACE TO RECORD IT! I half considered going after Kidlet's bath crayons just to make notes to myself. It's entirely possible I'll do it in the future. I promise you, though, that it'll be a hell of a lot more interesting that "All work and no play..."
Fragments, phrases, entire paragraphs bouncing around in my head, bumping into each other, approximately five separate half-composed topics each worthy of their own post, from what I can track at the moment. As usual, I'll jot down notes first, so I don't get obsessed with worrying about what I'll forget, and then go back and expand on it. You'll generally only see the last phase of this, but that's what's going on -- literally cannot calm down until I get the words out, but so many going on at once it can be hard even to do that. (Oh, Wonderfalls, how I miss you -- "Get Your Words Out")
This time, here's a bit of what that can look like when I start making notes and going stream of consciousness, although it's obvious that by the end I've started actually composing my thoughts in some fashion or another:
Meds and drugs and clonopin navigation (have a scrip but have never taken it, considering need today), entire classes I've never tried, thanks to Art, navigating being able to "tune" my state with medical knobs, but walking a line about being aware of where that can go very unhealthy, acknowledge it's not like I'm managed to completely successfully dodge that, either. I use a lot of things more habitually than I should, but meds aren't generally among them. Smoking cigarettes is the number one baddie I haven't been able to give up. Other therapies I prefer, including non-addictive meds, TENS therapy (oh so amusing for a kinkster), fucking, massage, impact play, swimming and soaking. More tuning knobs in the arsenal.
Before that, I was humming in the bathroom as I got into the shower, and sort of composing something in my head about what I'd learned about my current limitations musically, and how that's different from the fear I did feel, and how I'm learning to notice the chord notations in my childhood songbook just from repeated exposure, and how that relates to my history learning to read music, what I did and didn't understand about how music _works_, places where a physicist's approach to music is what it's taken for me to grok (I can't remember the title, but there's this awesome series that approaches mathematical underpinnings of octaves, things like that -- many "ah-ha!" moments for me). And also about the ways I'm waaaaaay more visual than auditory in my processing, so starting to pick that up is handy, and learning to actually read music would probably be hugely valuable to me (I've had as much experience as any other kid who sat through several years of various sorts of music classes without having it sink in all that successfully at the time -- basic theory, but no grokkage.) And I was still humming. And I started singing "It's visual, mathematical..." (can we do it?). Yeah. George Michael. I was so amused I would have jumped out of the shower to make a note just about that, if my phone weren't plugged in in the other room at the time.
Incidentally. phone keyboard issues, laptop battery problems, these are some of the great banes of my existence when I'm manic. Quills, The Shining? Yeah, I kinda get it. I get hugely frustrated just having to go back to handwriting because I'm so very much slower at that then typing. I suspect mania may be why I've learned to type at the speeds I do -- generally around 100 wpm tested, and I suspect during these kinds of stream-of-consciousness I'm going quite a bit faster. I can't even talk it out to a recording as fast as I can write this way. It's a lot of why writing things out is so important to me, and even more so because it allows me to go back to the thoughts when I'm in other mood states, to share them more easily, to consider and evaluate them better. Talking is so in the moment and impermanent, and I have a hard time with that, with second-guessing what I said or didn't say, how I said it, how I heard things other people said, or failed to understand them. I actually prefer to do almost all my arguing in writing; so much easier for me to handle in a million ways that a whole other string of posts I'm not even going to approach right now.
And I'm pretty sure I've skipped several of the other topics that were also bouncing around, but which are already at least half-way expressed over on FB or in email, and I'll be copying those and expanding them a bit in a separate post.