Just one more (why I write)
A good friend asked me the excellent and deceptively complicated question of why I write.
I only had a few minutes before I had to walk out the door, and ran out of time before I'd run out of reasons. Wanted to put it all down here in a more expanded and complete form.
OK, I think list format is the way to go here. This was a massive brainstorm. I'm sort of trying to organize it, but I know there's some repetition. In no particular order:
To stay in the habit: When I withdraw emotionally (especially during depressions) keeping that habit maintains some minimal social contact at least, and tends to be good for my brainmeats, and make it easier for me to reach out again when I'm ready. And in general being relatively strict about maintaining the habit is the only way to be sure I don't just drift away and end up regretting more undocumented years (I still mourn the loss of my freshman year of college journal, which was hopelessly corrupted). I actively wish I'd maintained a journaling habit over my entire life, and sometimes I'm make a little project of going back to old pre-journal emails and memories and such, and pull together more bits to record, even if only partially and inaccurately.
As a record of my life: I kind of hope that to the extent I leave something behind when I die it actually reflects who I am, weirdness and warts and all. At this point, a decade in, if I had to choose any one item from my current life to survive to represent me, I would choose my LJ, no question, hands down. I want to leave that record for a few different reasons -- to document my life as one little anthropological datapoint for hypothetical future researchers and historians, and because I wish I had something like this written by my great-grandmother, for example. And not to be morbid, but when people have died suddenly and unexpectedly, being able to go back and read their LJ has been meaningful to me, and I'd like to leave that for my loved ones if something were to happen to me.
For my own reference, because I'm bad at chronological memory organization otherwise (I have very good episodic memory, but often have to refer back to LJ to see what year something happened)
Because I believe humans are made of memories, and as something of a psych geek, I'm very aware of how flawed memory is. Backups and key reminders can make all the difference in which parts of my past evaporate, and which parts I can still access. It also makes a huge difference in accuracy. I treasure my memories, so this is important to me.
Because it helps me track my moods and health. Related to that, several of my nearest and dearest, especially my middle brother, use LJ as a way of knowing when I need extra emotional support due to depression issues, or a check-in to be sure a mania isn't too out of hand. They base that not just on what I'm saying, but also my overall posting frequency and style. To remember emotions and mood states when I'm not in them -- especially with the bipolar, my own other mood states can seem like an odd fiction, and I can radically overestimate or underestimate reality. Being able to reference directly for a reality check is handy. It also helps me remember that it gets better, when it's bad.
As a way of maintaining contact with the people in my life, so they can catch up with me easily, and know what's really going on with me even if we see each other rarely. To find the balance between my introvert and extravert needs. To seek contact and reassurance when I'm lonely/down. To burn off expressive energy, especially when manic. To speak my fears so they scare me less. To be accountable by publicly stating what I'm going to do, or what I believe, or standards I claim to live by.
As a way of expressing myself as openly as I prefer without forcing anyone to listen to something that's TMI or totally uninteresting to them. This is one of the excellent things about friending and filters and all -- if someone's following me, I can assume that's entirely their decision, and they can decide what to read and what not to. It's very different from posting to a shared community or mailing list, where I'm essentially "hogging the stage" if I go off on all this rambling and navel-gazing. Reading my LJ is basically an entirely opt-in form of communication. It's my space and can be what I need and want. I may do things to try to make my space more comfortable and welcoming to people by offering filters and warnings, and by writing and posting things that I hope will be helpful and interesting, but that's entirely at my discretion. There's a lovely feeling of freedom in that.
To try to influence the world in my own small ways. I attempt to do that in a multitude of different ways. I try to address topics that I think are unnecessarily and unhealthily taboo. I try to share information and ideas (also my primary form of activism). I try to make other people feel less alone. I try to demystify things by talking about them frankly. I try to humanize and explain "people like me" (which can mean a multitude of things) to others who aren't familiar or comfortable. To change people's minds. To advocate for my politics and beliefs. To publicize events and projects and calls for help. To project and share my view of reality. To use my relative privilege to draw attention to topics and writers I think are underappreciated and misunderstood. To speak out against things I find troubling. To demonstrate that something I believe in -- directness and honesty -- can be a happy and comfortable thing. To demonstrate how not to make my mistakes. To state and clarify my beliefs and ethics.
To hear other people's feedback, common experiences, different experiences. To be challenged by contrary viewpoints. To access the collective store of information among my friends and acquaintances. To find information, anecdata, opinions. To learn how different people think and express themselves. To have my experiences and feelings validated. To help create community. To encourage the survival of lj.
To meet and connect with new people. To warn off people I'm not compatible with, both in friendship and dating. To introduce myself to people. To make it easier for 'my people' to find me. To demonstrate my sense of humor and interests. To answer questions that people feel awkward about asking directly. To explain what's going on to people who've seen only isolated parts of my life and are confused. To save answering the same questions over and over, and having a 'best explanation' saved instead. To allow people long out-of-touch to find me and decide for themselves whether I'm currently "their kind of people" without awkward direct interactions. So I don't fear how people will react when they eventually learn x or y about me. So I can't be accused of hiding things, and don't act like my life is something to be ashamed of. To challenge myself to be as honest and transparent and non-compartmentalized as possible (this may well be the personal decision in my life that's most shaped it). To prove I haven't lost the guts and gotten all worried about professional repercussions (again, I have very specific priorities in my life that it's important to me to adhere to, and a level beyond which I would not be comfortable sacrificing risk for safety -- it's why my life isn't career-focused). To provide a space where different people in my life can begin to get to know each other if they like. To compliment people publicly. To affirm my privately expressed feelings, essentially communicating that I say this not just to you but to the world. To re-relish memories of new experiences in the process of writing them.
It's also true that writing is one of my primary ways of thinking things through, and that I strongly prefer to engage with people as sounding boards when I'm doing so. It's also my most comfortable form of communication, and sometimes a way I work out what I'm going to say in a conversation before I have it face-to-face (I try not to let this become a passive-aggressive thing, although I'm not entirely perfect in that department), or as an inspiration for a more detailed one-on-one conversation (this has been the case for NL and I about all my recent poly posts, for example). I don't usually write about other people here that I haven't already discussed with them directly, especially because I try to get direct permission and often a pre-post read-through for anything too personal about anyone else. I have a few rarely-used venting and stressing filters that I use like I would coffee with my closest friends. I have slightly different and more lax standards for recording events that are past the statute of limitations. I also use LJ as a place to vent about random daily and political crap that makes me want to scream. Having space to let that out leaves me a more relaxed person in general. Also, to communicate and explain when I feel misunderstood, and to clarify my perceptions of events.
In terms of the sex filters and my writings on sexuality, many of the same overall reasons apply. Aditionally, to keep poly partners updated on the goings-on in my life. To engage in forms of consensual semi-public sexuality. To continue exploring and documenting new sexual interests and explorations. To create my own porn to go back to. To record my sexual reality for all the same reasons I mentioned it's important to me to record my general reality. To flirt. To feel out interests and overlap with people I might pursue. To further explain elements of my sexuality to my partners. Because I have exhibitionist tendencies. Because the opt-in nature of filters and lj-cuts satisfies my needs to be sure I'm not pressing my sexuality on anyone who isn't comfortable with that.
On a purely practical level, I also use it to maintain a stable central online home, to store lists and ideas centrally for easy reference, to coordinate with my household and siblings and people I visit/meet. Also to give people it's relevant to the 'daily weather report' on my mood state and fibro condition.
And as I've been going through this list and trying to roughly organize it into paragraphs, I'm left with four last notes:
To share joy
To halve sorrow
To hear the sound of my own voice
To stroke my ego
Yeah, those first two probably pricked up the ears of Callahanians (and Swedes, I suppose). Spider Robinson has been a huge influence on me, and I very much love Shared pain is lessened; shared joy, increased - thus do we refute entropy.
The other two, well, let's just be honest.
Thanks, B, for the writing prompt!
I only had a few minutes before I had to walk out the door, and ran out of time before I'd run out of reasons. Wanted to put it all down here in a more expanded and complete form.
OK, I think list format is the way to go here. This was a massive brainstorm. I'm sort of trying to organize it, but I know there's some repetition. In no particular order:
To stay in the habit: When I withdraw emotionally (especially during depressions) keeping that habit maintains some minimal social contact at least, and tends to be good for my brainmeats, and make it easier for me to reach out again when I'm ready. And in general being relatively strict about maintaining the habit is the only way to be sure I don't just drift away and end up regretting more undocumented years (I still mourn the loss of my freshman year of college journal, which was hopelessly corrupted). I actively wish I'd maintained a journaling habit over my entire life, and sometimes I'm make a little project of going back to old pre-journal emails and memories and such, and pull together more bits to record, even if only partially and inaccurately.
As a record of my life: I kind of hope that to the extent I leave something behind when I die it actually reflects who I am, weirdness and warts and all. At this point, a decade in, if I had to choose any one item from my current life to survive to represent me, I would choose my LJ, no question, hands down. I want to leave that record for a few different reasons -- to document my life as one little anthropological datapoint for hypothetical future researchers and historians, and because I wish I had something like this written by my great-grandmother, for example. And not to be morbid, but when people have died suddenly and unexpectedly, being able to go back and read their LJ has been meaningful to me, and I'd like to leave that for my loved ones if something were to happen to me.
For my own reference, because I'm bad at chronological memory organization otherwise (I have very good episodic memory, but often have to refer back to LJ to see what year something happened)
Because I believe humans are made of memories, and as something of a psych geek, I'm very aware of how flawed memory is. Backups and key reminders can make all the difference in which parts of my past evaporate, and which parts I can still access. It also makes a huge difference in accuracy. I treasure my memories, so this is important to me.
Because it helps me track my moods and health. Related to that, several of my nearest and dearest, especially my middle brother, use LJ as a way of knowing when I need extra emotional support due to depression issues, or a check-in to be sure a mania isn't too out of hand. They base that not just on what I'm saying, but also my overall posting frequency and style. To remember emotions and mood states when I'm not in them -- especially with the bipolar, my own other mood states can seem like an odd fiction, and I can radically overestimate or underestimate reality. Being able to reference directly for a reality check is handy. It also helps me remember that it gets better, when it's bad.
As a way of maintaining contact with the people in my life, so they can catch up with me easily, and know what's really going on with me even if we see each other rarely. To find the balance between my introvert and extravert needs. To seek contact and reassurance when I'm lonely/down. To burn off expressive energy, especially when manic. To speak my fears so they scare me less. To be accountable by publicly stating what I'm going to do, or what I believe, or standards I claim to live by.
As a way of expressing myself as openly as I prefer without forcing anyone to listen to something that's TMI or totally uninteresting to them. This is one of the excellent things about friending and filters and all -- if someone's following me, I can assume that's entirely their decision, and they can decide what to read and what not to. It's very different from posting to a shared community or mailing list, where I'm essentially "hogging the stage" if I go off on all this rambling and navel-gazing. Reading my LJ is basically an entirely opt-in form of communication. It's my space and can be what I need and want. I may do things to try to make my space more comfortable and welcoming to people by offering filters and warnings, and by writing and posting things that I hope will be helpful and interesting, but that's entirely at my discretion. There's a lovely feeling of freedom in that.
To try to influence the world in my own small ways. I attempt to do that in a multitude of different ways. I try to address topics that I think are unnecessarily and unhealthily taboo. I try to share information and ideas (also my primary form of activism). I try to make other people feel less alone. I try to demystify things by talking about them frankly. I try to humanize and explain "people like me" (which can mean a multitude of things) to others who aren't familiar or comfortable. To change people's minds. To advocate for my politics and beliefs. To publicize events and projects and calls for help. To project and share my view of reality. To use my relative privilege to draw attention to topics and writers I think are underappreciated and misunderstood. To speak out against things I find troubling. To demonstrate that something I believe in -- directness and honesty -- can be a happy and comfortable thing. To demonstrate how not to make my mistakes. To state and clarify my beliefs and ethics.
To hear other people's feedback, common experiences, different experiences. To be challenged by contrary viewpoints. To access the collective store of information among my friends and acquaintances. To find information, anecdata, opinions. To learn how different people think and express themselves. To have my experiences and feelings validated. To help create community. To encourage the survival of lj.
To meet and connect with new people. To warn off people I'm not compatible with, both in friendship and dating. To introduce myself to people. To make it easier for 'my people' to find me. To demonstrate my sense of humor and interests. To answer questions that people feel awkward about asking directly. To explain what's going on to people who've seen only isolated parts of my life and are confused. To save answering the same questions over and over, and having a 'best explanation' saved instead. To allow people long out-of-touch to find me and decide for themselves whether I'm currently "their kind of people" without awkward direct interactions. So I don't fear how people will react when they eventually learn x or y about me. So I can't be accused of hiding things, and don't act like my life is something to be ashamed of. To challenge myself to be as honest and transparent and non-compartmentalized as possible (this may well be the personal decision in my life that's most shaped it). To prove I haven't lost the guts and gotten all worried about professional repercussions (again, I have very specific priorities in my life that it's important to me to adhere to, and a level beyond which I would not be comfortable sacrificing risk for safety -- it's why my life isn't career-focused). To provide a space where different people in my life can begin to get to know each other if they like. To compliment people publicly. To affirm my privately expressed feelings, essentially communicating that I say this not just to you but to the world. To re-relish memories of new experiences in the process of writing them.
It's also true that writing is one of my primary ways of thinking things through, and that I strongly prefer to engage with people as sounding boards when I'm doing so. It's also my most comfortable form of communication, and sometimes a way I work out what I'm going to say in a conversation before I have it face-to-face (I try not to let this become a passive-aggressive thing, although I'm not entirely perfect in that department), or as an inspiration for a more detailed one-on-one conversation (this has been the case for NL and I about all my recent poly posts, for example). I don't usually write about other people here that I haven't already discussed with them directly, especially because I try to get direct permission and often a pre-post read-through for anything too personal about anyone else. I have a few rarely-used venting and stressing filters that I use like I would coffee with my closest friends. I have slightly different and more lax standards for recording events that are past the statute of limitations. I also use LJ as a place to vent about random daily and political crap that makes me want to scream. Having space to let that out leaves me a more relaxed person in general. Also, to communicate and explain when I feel misunderstood, and to clarify my perceptions of events.
In terms of the sex filters and my writings on sexuality, many of the same overall reasons apply. Aditionally, to keep poly partners updated on the goings-on in my life. To engage in forms of consensual semi-public sexuality. To continue exploring and documenting new sexual interests and explorations. To create my own porn to go back to. To record my sexual reality for all the same reasons I mentioned it's important to me to record my general reality. To flirt. To feel out interests and overlap with people I might pursue. To further explain elements of my sexuality to my partners. Because I have exhibitionist tendencies. Because the opt-in nature of filters and lj-cuts satisfies my needs to be sure I'm not pressing my sexuality on anyone who isn't comfortable with that.
On a purely practical level, I also use it to maintain a stable central online home, to store lists and ideas centrally for easy reference, to coordinate with my household and siblings and people I visit/meet. Also to give people it's relevant to the 'daily weather report' on my mood state and fibro condition.
And as I've been going through this list and trying to roughly organize it into paragraphs, I'm left with four last notes:
To share joy
To halve sorrow
To hear the sound of my own voice
To stroke my ego
Yeah, those first two probably pricked up the ears of Callahanians (and Swedes, I suppose). Spider Robinson has been a huge influence on me, and I very much love Shared pain is lessened; shared joy, increased - thus do we refute entropy.
The other two, well, let's just be honest.
Thanks, B, for the writing prompt!