On romance...
Because I'm feeling rambly, and not up to working on linketies (the world's a bit complicated and rough and depressing for me at the moment), I figured I'd jot down some thoughts that I know I talked about recently in person, and hopefully am not just forgetting having written here too.
I'm watching the final episode of West Wing right now, and it reminded me of when romance hits me where I live, and why most "romantic" movies and stories don't do it for me.
I'm really not much of an NRE-junkie. The neurochemical fireworks of relationship beginnings just stress me out; in many ways it feels too familiar, too much like my bipolar swings (and too easily exacerbates those, too). I don't trust it, I don't trust my judgment, I'm not even particularly fond of "Sarah on Love" -- I think I'm a better person in almost every way when I'm not "In Love", struggling to see straight through the metric crapload of neurotransmitters my brain just dumped on me. I've also rarely been one for the Grand Romantic Gesture, and most of the imagery we maintain culturally around "In Love", at least within the media, are some combination of miscommunication plot points (aaaaugh, miscommunication! This is nightmare territory for me, not comedy-fodder), NRE, and Grand Gestures. All good for making a story, but not really my kind of story. I don't find watching these kinds of things to be cute and charming and romantic, I find them stressful and infuriating (yes, I'll admit to exceptions on occasion). To toss in a Doctor Who-related reference, in the debates about whether the Doctor should have canon romantic/sexual relationships with the companions, I'm actually on the "no" side of the debate. I'd rather watch friendship than new romance (and while I'm all fine with purely friendly sexy-times, I don't think it's exactly likely that BBC's going to take him that direction).
Also, I've talked repeatedly about the fact that I'm not sure whether I'll end up permanently partnered on a serious level again -- that I'm truly happy with the forms and kinds of love and family in my world. By and large when I get sappy over a romantic connection it's not a particularly envious form these days.
However, I am in actuality a HUGE SAP. I am. It's the long-term that touches me to the core, though. It's those of you who've built bone-deep connection and interdependence and trust with the blood and sweat and tears of decades. It's my parents' 25-anniversary renewal of vows (this was more than a decade ago, but I got to do a reading, and was sobbing through the whole thing), my girlfriends' wedding to each other (also sobbed like a sobbing thing). In fiction, it's couples like Jed and Abby Barlet, like Matt and Helen Santos. Wash and Zoe on Firefly. Chuck and Ned on Pushing Daisies, too, since they pretty much jumped right past "will they/won't they" into the teamwork-based "how do we" of a relatively stable couple. It's the understanding and the shorthand and the little looks and touches. You know what I found to be the one great romance in the otherwise pretty hideous Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves? Little John and his wife. Practical, solid, enduring, tough as nails, and still crazy for each other. Robin and Marian can go fuck themselves.
That's my kind of romance, and it's not generally the kind that gets top billing in a tale, because a tale fundamentally need drama for plot, and these aren't the relationships that provide that kind of rollercoaster.
Oddly, my most long-term and wonderful relationships these days did manage to mostly sneak past the NRE stage. Once upon a time I was a "jump in with both feet" kind of person, but I haven't been in a long time (see "distrust of NRE", above). These days things have to sneak up on me a bit. I get protective of the current configuration of my life, tetchy about my space, all that. It's the relaxed and somewhat casual relationships that seep into my life; the sudden and surprising retrospective in which I realize I've been involved with someone for years, and can't imagine my life elsewise, even when we don't know what to call it. It's the friendships that become family over time, too. It's always been the case that there's a lot of blur between how I emotionally process friendship and romance and sexual involvement (and I used to jump in with both feet in the friendship department, too, and have had plenty of friendship-based NRE). It's all of a piece, somehow.
I've joked for years that I really don't dig romantic storylines unless there are at least a few monsters or planetary catastrophes to space them out. It's true. Queer as Folk, L Word, Big Love, none of them catch me. Too much conflict, too much of what I don't like, because it needs to be the center of the overarching plot. Nothing settles into the comfortable day-to-day that I find most compelling. For the record, I also couldn't stand the Buffy/Angel storyline for the same reason -- it was too central, too dramatic. On the other hand, I do tend to root for couples as long as I don't have to pay all my attention to them. I'm definitely noticing how happy I am to see various people pairing off in the final West Wing episodes. I think it's largely because it's allowed to be a plot element, not the central action. I'm absolutely smitten with the relationship between John and Aeryn on Farscape, too. Their emotional progress made sense to me, rather than feeling like it was a "they can't be happy together or it'll destroy our drama" kind of situation.
I've been noticing that all my examples are het. Shortage of long-term queer couples in media? Ya think? I'm using Jack and Ianto for my icon here, but it's one of the only examples where I'd say we see too little of how their relationship dynamic works.
And because it's me, and this therefore deserves clarification, I am not the LEAST BIT above smutty-smut for the sake of smut in my shows. I just prefer it without all the sobbing and weeping and new romance. Unsurprisingly, Sookie and Bill are my least favorite elements of True Blood. More Eric, PLEASE.
I'll happily allow a romance exception on the sexy bits for the long-term folks, just to be clear. Matt and Helen Santos? Hot, hot, HOT!
And to all my friends who have that kind of happy, solid long-term relationship in your lives? Y'all make me happy. A lot. Also all grinning-weepy when you post the romantic gooey stuff about each other. Keep up the good work!
I'm watching the final episode of West Wing right now, and it reminded me of when romance hits me where I live, and why most "romantic" movies and stories don't do it for me.
I'm really not much of an NRE-junkie. The neurochemical fireworks of relationship beginnings just stress me out; in many ways it feels too familiar, too much like my bipolar swings (and too easily exacerbates those, too). I don't trust it, I don't trust my judgment, I'm not even particularly fond of "Sarah on Love" -- I think I'm a better person in almost every way when I'm not "In Love", struggling to see straight through the metric crapload of neurotransmitters my brain just dumped on me. I've also rarely been one for the Grand Romantic Gesture, and most of the imagery we maintain culturally around "In Love", at least within the media, are some combination of miscommunication plot points (aaaaugh, miscommunication! This is nightmare territory for me, not comedy-fodder), NRE, and Grand Gestures. All good for making a story, but not really my kind of story. I don't find watching these kinds of things to be cute and charming and romantic, I find them stressful and infuriating (yes, I'll admit to exceptions on occasion). To toss in a Doctor Who-related reference, in the debates about whether the Doctor should have canon romantic/sexual relationships with the companions, I'm actually on the "no" side of the debate. I'd rather watch friendship than new romance (and while I'm all fine with purely friendly sexy-times, I don't think it's exactly likely that BBC's going to take him that direction).
Also, I've talked repeatedly about the fact that I'm not sure whether I'll end up permanently partnered on a serious level again -- that I'm truly happy with the forms and kinds of love and family in my world. By and large when I get sappy over a romantic connection it's not a particularly envious form these days.
However, I am in actuality a HUGE SAP. I am. It's the long-term that touches me to the core, though. It's those of you who've built bone-deep connection and interdependence and trust with the blood and sweat and tears of decades. It's my parents' 25-anniversary renewal of vows (this was more than a decade ago, but I got to do a reading, and was sobbing through the whole thing), my girlfriends' wedding to each other (also sobbed like a sobbing thing). In fiction, it's couples like Jed and Abby Barlet, like Matt and Helen Santos. Wash and Zoe on Firefly. Chuck and Ned on Pushing Daisies, too, since they pretty much jumped right past "will they/won't they" into the teamwork-based "how do we" of a relatively stable couple. It's the understanding and the shorthand and the little looks and touches. You know what I found to be the one great romance in the otherwise pretty hideous Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves? Little John and his wife. Practical, solid, enduring, tough as nails, and still crazy for each other. Robin and Marian can go fuck themselves.
That's my kind of romance, and it's not generally the kind that gets top billing in a tale, because a tale fundamentally need drama for plot, and these aren't the relationships that provide that kind of rollercoaster.
Oddly, my most long-term and wonderful relationships these days did manage to mostly sneak past the NRE stage. Once upon a time I was a "jump in with both feet" kind of person, but I haven't been in a long time (see "distrust of NRE", above). These days things have to sneak up on me a bit. I get protective of the current configuration of my life, tetchy about my space, all that. It's the relaxed and somewhat casual relationships that seep into my life; the sudden and surprising retrospective in which I realize I've been involved with someone for years, and can't imagine my life elsewise, even when we don't know what to call it. It's the friendships that become family over time, too. It's always been the case that there's a lot of blur between how I emotionally process friendship and romance and sexual involvement (and I used to jump in with both feet in the friendship department, too, and have had plenty of friendship-based NRE). It's all of a piece, somehow.
I've joked for years that I really don't dig romantic storylines unless there are at least a few monsters or planetary catastrophes to space them out. It's true. Queer as Folk, L Word, Big Love, none of them catch me. Too much conflict, too much of what I don't like, because it needs to be the center of the overarching plot. Nothing settles into the comfortable day-to-day that I find most compelling. For the record, I also couldn't stand the Buffy/Angel storyline for the same reason -- it was too central, too dramatic. On the other hand, I do tend to root for couples as long as I don't have to pay all my attention to them. I'm definitely noticing how happy I am to see various people pairing off in the final West Wing episodes. I think it's largely because it's allowed to be a plot element, not the central action. I'm absolutely smitten with the relationship between John and Aeryn on Farscape, too. Their emotional progress made sense to me, rather than feeling like it was a "they can't be happy together or it'll destroy our drama" kind of situation.
I've been noticing that all my examples are het. Shortage of long-term queer couples in media? Ya think? I'm using Jack and Ianto for my icon here, but it's one of the only examples where I'd say we see too little of how their relationship dynamic works.
And because it's me, and this therefore deserves clarification, I am not the LEAST BIT above smutty-smut for the sake of smut in my shows. I just prefer it without all the sobbing and weeping and new romance. Unsurprisingly, Sookie and Bill are my least favorite elements of True Blood. More Eric, PLEASE.
I'll happily allow a romance exception on the sexy bits for the long-term folks, just to be clear. Matt and Helen Santos? Hot, hot, HOT!
And to all my friends who have that kind of happy, solid long-term relationship in your lives? Y'all make me happy. A lot. Also all grinning-weepy when you post the romantic gooey stuff about each other. Keep up the good work!