[Moya] Mostly written last night -- thoughts on fat and reassurances
Well, apparently everyone else is out or asleep, so I guess I may as well tackle a few other writing prompts I've left myself, since I'm not tired or in the mood to go out.
First of all, just to clarify the position I'm writing from, I'm fat, and have been my entire adult life, but I have some relative privilege about that. Big breasts and a generally hourglass shape are what are generally eroticized when images of fat women are eroticized. And negative social reactions increase with weight, basically. I'm only about middling-fat - 250 or so, about a size 22. I encounter a lot fewer problems interacting with the world because I still just barely fit within its general parameters. So, I just want to be clear about all that, when I'm talking about how people interact with me.
In the whole vid experiment, part of what I've been processing and dissecting is the way feedback happens. And just in general, because of the ways I flirt and explore, and the kinds of things I post online, I have a lot of interactions with people who have seen me naked/sexually. The first thing I've noticed is that overall, people tend to be rather careful and polite in certain ways. Out of hundreds of comments in various formats, or conversations over IM, I think I've had one drive-by insult, and that's it. The worst of the rest just critiques the vid quality on the particular vid, but compliments the vid itself (and the vid quality was bad, sadly). The sentiments may not always be specifically appealing to me, and they may not be particularly elegantly couched, but there is a level of "someone just let you see this for free, just because they wanted to -- don't fuck it up!" that feels like it permeates the interactions in those formats. It's kind of sweet.
But I think it's very telling that people (especially men) are repeatedly careful to clearly say my weight's ok with them -- it says something about how often men encounter women with serious dysfunctional body image issues, how much that's a part of men's lives, as well as women's.
From a recent conversation (my side only):
I've got a post brewing about that, actually...
Something I notice about how men interact with me.
That it's so expected for women, especially fat women, to have body image insecurity issues that reassurance on that topic comes up very quickly, almost automatically.
Understandably so, since it's incredibly frustrating to have a partner be all obsessed about hiding a body one finds attractive.
And most of these guys are perfectly decent guys who think it sucks that women feel that way, anyway.
me: nod I've experienced it both ways, but it's surprising how often it's with specific reference to liking my build, etc.
The darker side of that one is the "low self-esteem back door" that some assholes will use to try to get laid with fat women on the assumption that we'll take anyone.
But I've rarely encountered that one.
(and the other dark side is disparaging slender women in some sort of "turnabout is fair play" approach -- If you say my build is a "real woman", what exactly are you saying about women who aren't built like me? Please don't try to compliment me by insulting others.)
Sometimes, with someone who doesn't know me well yet, and doesn't grok that I'm really quite clear about being fat, and being quite happy this way, the reassurance is so earnest and sweet and well-meaning that I'm torn between wanting to smooch him on the forehead and wanting to just say "Dude, really, it's o.k. That's sweet, but I don't have the body image issues you're assuming I do, let's just get that out of the way. I can entirely believe you find my fat body sexy, and it's all good. Let's move on..." I'm not saying I'm anti-compliment; far from it. But there's a certain tone or wording that feels more like a reassurance than a compliment. Not sure if I can put my finger on it. And given that I've put plenty of work into building a healthy body image over the years, and feel I've generally succeeded at it pretty well, it just hits me... oddly.
So, yeah. Not sure if I was going anywhere specific with this one, or just wanted to get that thought out on paper. It's something that makes me feel sort of tender toward men in general, to see that recurrent pattern of many of them trying to push back some of the societal body pressures, at least as it relates to women they encounter. Certainly, I'm getting a self-selected group - tags and site searches are going to have that effect. But it's also something I've seen from my male friends, and in other general contexts. And self-selected environments or not, one of the things I really dig about interacting with the world is being reminded of how many assholes there aren't. Sure, there are some out there. Entire bastions of them, in some contexts (comment threads on some sites make me weep for humanity). But in amongst all that? An awful lot of reasonably decent folks, whether I have all that much in common with them or not.
First of all, just to clarify the position I'm writing from, I'm fat, and have been my entire adult life, but I have some relative privilege about that. Big breasts and a generally hourglass shape are what are generally eroticized when images of fat women are eroticized. And negative social reactions increase with weight, basically. I'm only about middling-fat - 250 or so, about a size 22. I encounter a lot fewer problems interacting with the world because I still just barely fit within its general parameters. So, I just want to be clear about all that, when I'm talking about how people interact with me.
In the whole vid experiment, part of what I've been processing and dissecting is the way feedback happens. And just in general, because of the ways I flirt and explore, and the kinds of things I post online, I have a lot of interactions with people who have seen me naked/sexually. The first thing I've noticed is that overall, people tend to be rather careful and polite in certain ways. Out of hundreds of comments in various formats, or conversations over IM, I think I've had one drive-by insult, and that's it. The worst of the rest just critiques the vid quality on the particular vid, but compliments the vid itself (and the vid quality was bad, sadly). The sentiments may not always be specifically appealing to me, and they may not be particularly elegantly couched, but there is a level of "someone just let you see this for free, just because they wanted to -- don't fuck it up!" that feels like it permeates the interactions in those formats. It's kind of sweet.
But I think it's very telling that people (especially men) are repeatedly careful to clearly say my weight's ok with them -- it says something about how often men encounter women with serious dysfunctional body image issues, how much that's a part of men's lives, as well as women's.
From a recent conversation (my side only):
I've got a post brewing about that, actually...
Something I notice about how men interact with me.
That it's so expected for women, especially fat women, to have body image insecurity issues that reassurance on that topic comes up very quickly, almost automatically.
Understandably so, since it's incredibly frustrating to have a partner be all obsessed about hiding a body one finds attractive.
And most of these guys are perfectly decent guys who think it sucks that women feel that way, anyway.
me: nod I've experienced it both ways, but it's surprising how often it's with specific reference to liking my build, etc.
The darker side of that one is the "low self-esteem back door" that some assholes will use to try to get laid with fat women on the assumption that we'll take anyone.
But I've rarely encountered that one.
(and the other dark side is disparaging slender women in some sort of "turnabout is fair play" approach -- If you say my build is a "real woman", what exactly are you saying about women who aren't built like me? Please don't try to compliment me by insulting others.)
Sometimes, with someone who doesn't know me well yet, and doesn't grok that I'm really quite clear about being fat, and being quite happy this way, the reassurance is so earnest and sweet and well-meaning that I'm torn between wanting to smooch him on the forehead and wanting to just say "Dude, really, it's o.k. That's sweet, but I don't have the body image issues you're assuming I do, let's just get that out of the way. I can entirely believe you find my fat body sexy, and it's all good. Let's move on..." I'm not saying I'm anti-compliment; far from it. But there's a certain tone or wording that feels more like a reassurance than a compliment. Not sure if I can put my finger on it. And given that I've put plenty of work into building a healthy body image over the years, and feel I've generally succeeded at it pretty well, it just hits me... oddly.
So, yeah. Not sure if I was going anywhere specific with this one, or just wanted to get that thought out on paper. It's something that makes me feel sort of tender toward men in general, to see that recurrent pattern of many of them trying to push back some of the societal body pressures, at least as it relates to women they encounter. Certainly, I'm getting a self-selected group - tags and site searches are going to have that effect. But it's also something I've seen from my male friends, and in other general contexts. And self-selected environments or not, one of the things I really dig about interacting with the world is being reminded of how many assholes there aren't. Sure, there are some out there. Entire bastions of them, in some contexts (comment threads on some sites make me weep for humanity). But in amongst all that? An awful lot of reasonably decent folks, whether I have all that much in common with them or not.