Goals
I know it's been a really long time since I've last written in this thing. It's been even longer since the last time I regularly wrote in this thing. Granted, I always thought I had the reasonable excuse of being busy with school, my relationship with Andrew, friends, and other stuff for not trying to keep up with writing in this thing, but honestly, the truth is, it stopped being a priority. When I was younger, particularly in middle school and high school, I LOVED writing. I used it as an outlet to vent my teenage angst over the small things in high school and my very real frustration and sometimes anger at the big things that were happening in my life. I don't know what else I would have turned to if I didn't have paper and online journals during the turbulent times of adolescence. I certainly did not have a close group of friends that I spent lots of time with or saw every day.
Even now, on co-op, I do not have the "oodles" of free time that I thought I would. There is much less stress, certainly, but between work and going to the gym (as well as being boxed in by the train's schedule), I often do not get home until 7:30 and I need to get up before 5:30 every morning, so that means I need to be in bed before 10. So yeah, that means after I make my lunch, lay out my outfit for the next day, have dinner, brush my teeth and wash my face, that I have time to watch half a movie or read a chapter or two in a book before I have to go to bed. It's really frustrating to feel that, to be on top of all of my stuff and to be prepared fully for work each day, I have to more than halve the free time I do have in the evenings. It's this reason that it's increasingly getting harder and harder for me to make myself go to the gym and work out.
I basically work from 7:30 to 4:00. I get up so early to make the 7:03 AM train that gets me to work by 7:23 AM. Accordingly, in the evenings the trains stop at my work at 4:20, 4:44, 5:59, 6:29 and 7:03 before the last stop, which is 11:59 PM. It's impossible for me to to leave my building on campus to run over to the gym (which is also on campus) and get my 30 minutes or more of cardio and weights in and be able to make the 4:44 train, but I finish a normal-length workout by 5 PM, which means I need to wait 40 minutes or more to catch the next train. Incidentally, I've begun trying to workout for longer so I can make the most of that time and not spend forever waiting for trains. While this is excellent for me and my weight loss goals, it's also frustrating, some days I just want to get a short work out in and go home and have time to watch a movie, play a video game or read a good chunk of a book and still have time to take care of all of the little things for the next day. If I want to go to the gym every day after work, this means that most of my life is basically work and working out, which would get dull for me very quickly.
Since I can already feel myself losing motivation I've decided to start using this journal again as a personal record of my weight loss and fitness journey. I'm going to write down the reasons why I need and want to do this.
Why I need to lose weight:
Even now, on co-op, I do not have the "oodles" of free time that I thought I would. There is much less stress, certainly, but between work and going to the gym (as well as being boxed in by the train's schedule), I often do not get home until 7:30 and I need to get up before 5:30 every morning, so that means I need to be in bed before 10. So yeah, that means after I make my lunch, lay out my outfit for the next day, have dinner, brush my teeth and wash my face, that I have time to watch half a movie or read a chapter or two in a book before I have to go to bed. It's really frustrating to feel that, to be on top of all of my stuff and to be prepared fully for work each day, I have to more than halve the free time I do have in the evenings. It's this reason that it's increasingly getting harder and harder for me to make myself go to the gym and work out.
I basically work from 7:30 to 4:00. I get up so early to make the 7:03 AM train that gets me to work by 7:23 AM. Accordingly, in the evenings the trains stop at my work at 4:20, 4:44, 5:59, 6:29 and 7:03 before the last stop, which is 11:59 PM. It's impossible for me to to leave my building on campus to run over to the gym (which is also on campus) and get my 30 minutes or more of cardio and weights in and be able to make the 4:44 train, but I finish a normal-length workout by 5 PM, which means I need to wait 40 minutes or more to catch the next train. Incidentally, I've begun trying to workout for longer so I can make the most of that time and not spend forever waiting for trains. While this is excellent for me and my weight loss goals, it's also frustrating, some days I just want to get a short work out in and go home and have time to watch a movie, play a video game or read a good chunk of a book and still have time to take care of all of the little things for the next day. If I want to go to the gym every day after work, this means that most of my life is basically work and working out, which would get dull for me very quickly.
Since I can already feel myself losing motivation I've decided to start using this journal again as a personal record of my weight loss and fitness journey. I'm going to write down the reasons why I need and want to do this.
Why I need to lose weight:
- It's been too long. I've been "chubby" or overweight as long as I can remember. The only time I remember being skinny is when I was 3. There's a picture of me as a little kid standing with my best friend at the time. We both look the same exact size. As the years went on, she stayed skinny and I got fatter and fatter. She ate lots of junk food and didn't see any negative effects for a long time, whereas if I ate as much as she did, I'd see changes almost instantaneously. My mom was always good about not buying junk food or keeping it in the house, but there was a period for about 3 years where my mom and I were driving ALOT on the weekends, and basically we were eating McDonald's twice a week for about 3 years. I've tried time and time again to lose the weight. When I start making real progress, I lose motivation and I stop, and I gain it back again plus some. I need to put an end to this vicious cycle once and for all.
- My health is at stake. Being overweight increases risk of a number of diseases that make life a miserable, living hell, but are highly preventable with a healthy diet and lifestyle. I don't want to further increase my risk of diabetes, cancer, heart disease, as well as a number of other disorders. I already have a family history of breast cancer and diabetes, so I need to do everything within my power to decrease my risks of developing any conditions as much as I can. I know that despite having a healthy lifestyle and diet, I can still get sick, but maybe if I do get sick, I'll have a bigger fighting chance.
- My life is also at stake. I need to take care of myself. How can I expect to be successful in life if I'm always tired and exhausted? How can I expect to be a good parent if I can't keep up with my children? I need to be as fit as I possibly can be to face all of the normal challenges of life head-on, as well as the unexpected.
- I want to feel good about myself. I want to like the way I look in the mirror. I want to be proud of my physique. I know it's vain, but I think everyone wants to like what they see in the mirror, and right now, I ain't liking too much.
- I want to fit into smaller clothes. I want to have a easier time shopping and finding clothes that fit me well. I'm tired of not being able to get clothes that I like because they don't have any more in my size or because their largest size doesn't fit me at all. I want to wear clothes and try different looks that I could never pull off before, because I was "too big", like mini skirts and leggings and bikinis and form-fitting tops. I know that there are some looks that my body will never pull off, even at a normal and appropriate weight, just because of the way I'm built, but I honestly believe that if I'm at the weight I need to be, and have the healthy fat percentage, that a wider variety of fashion is available to me.
- I want to finally LIKE my legs. I think they're horrible. They look way too big to me and look like tree trunks. I know I sound crazy right now, but it's just something that's really bugged me for a LONG time, and damn it, I'm going to try my best to change them. If they still look exactly the same after all's said and done, I'll learn to accept them.
- I want to feel athletic. I want to do things I couldn't do before, like run a 5k, or do a mini-triathlon. I want to impress people with my fitness level and acquired skill. I want to do things that are taxing on my muscles but still follow through and finish whatever physical challenge I'm doing.