Last year I wrote half of an Archer script.. Airport 2012!
“AIRPORT ‘12” BY CHRIS HARRINGTON
COLD OPEN
INT. MALORY’S OFFICE - DAY
Mallory sits behind her desk. She shuffles papers and sighes heavily. She buzzes the intercom.
MALLORY
Cheryl! Please call everyone in here.
CHERYL
(from the other room)
What is it? The liquor store doesn’t open for another hour. Relax.
MALLORY
This isn’t about the alcohol budget, though we are running suspiciously low on Chardonnay. I need the whole team in here NOW!
CHERYL
(wandering into the room)
Fine. (under her breathe) Drunk.
Cheryl sits down in a chair. She cranes her neck and screams at the top of her lungs.
CHERYL
ISIS. Get. Your. Ass. In. Here.
The entire ISIS team arrives except Archer. Lana sits down. Ray and Pam stand behind the chairs. Doctor Krieger arrives wearing a blood splattered lab coat. Cyril dashes in.
CYRIL
I’m here. Sorry I’m late. I was paying a parking ticket but the court clerk kept rounding down the processing tax.
PAM
Why didn’t you just tell the Pig to shove it?
LANA
And behold - Archer is late again.
RAY
He’s probably sleeping. On a bed. Made of hookers.
MALLORY
Enough! We don’t need Sterling -
ARCHER
(entering the room wearing sun glasses)
Thanks Mother. I will remember that when you’re sitting in the nursing home - alone.
CHERYL
(under her breathe) And Drunk.
MALLORY
- we don’t need Sterling because this meeting is about Cyril.
DR KRIEGER
(nervously adjusting his bloody coat)
So this has nothing to do with the disappearing hound epidemic?
MALLORY
I’m announcing that Cyril has been promoted to Vice President of ISIS Intergovernmental Affairs.
CYRIL
(getting excited) Really?
ARCHER
Seriously mother? You called us in her for that? And the award for WHO CARES goes to Cyril.
PAM
Are you sure about this? Last week I changed Cyril’s title in the system to “Director of Buttsnacks” and no one said a thing.
MALLORY
Relax Pam. It’s not official until tomorrow. I called you all in today since tomorrow Sterling and Lana will be in Pakistan.
CHERYL
Banging?
STERLING
Terrorism! Why else would we go to Pakistan- the Petunia convention? If ISIS needed an expert on that, they’d send Ray.
RAY
If it wasn’t for my immense love of flowers, Archer, that would be the most homophobic thing you’ve said today.
CYRIL
(shell-shocked from the promotion)
I don’t know what else to say except thank you to everyone and that I promise to best the Vice President of Inter-
PAM
Nobody Cares Cyril.
MALLORY
Lana and Sterling -don’t mess this up, ISIS needs the money. Cyril, come back tomorrow to talk about the new position. And in the meanwhile, go buy two bottles of congratulatory red wines.
CYRIL
I actually prefer white.
MALLORY
They’re not for you.
CHERYL
Drunk.
ACT ONE
EXT. AIRPORT - MORNING
A plane takes off. A town car pulls up driven by Woodhouse. The door opens and hung-over Archer tumbles out. Lana is standing on the curb.
LANA
Wow. Just wow. You are truly the embodiment of professionalism, Archer.
ARCHER
(sarcastic) First of all, Lana, thank you. Second of all, WOODHOUSE - WHERE IS MY LUGGAGE?
WOODHOUSE
(exiting the car and holding a chest) Here you are, sir.
ARCHER
What are you doing? I’m not going to lug that around - carry it inside.
WOODHOUSE
But the car, sir. I can’t leave it here.
ARCHER
Why not?
LANA
Because they’ll tow it, Archer. You know, preventing Terrorism?
ARCHER
Well, that’s what I’m going off to do. This will only take a minute if your decrepit ancient legs move faster Woodhouse! HURRY UP!
WOODHOUSE
(tired) Yes, sir.
INT. AIRPORT - SAME
Woodhouse struggles to carry the large chest as a cavalier Archer bounds towards the gate. Lana wheels her suitcase.
LANA
Does your ticket have the gate listed?
ARCHER
What? How the hell would I know? Woodhouse what gate is on the ticket?
WOODHOUSE
I don’t have your ticket, sir.
ARCHER
WOODHOUSE! Why the hell didn’t you bring the ticket?
WOODHOUSE
You never bought one, sir.
LANA
(incredulous) What do you mean? Mallory told us about this trip a month ago.
ARCHER
We’re going to PAKISTAN Lana. This isn’t exactly Burtwood. I don’t think there is going to be a shortage of people waiting to fly to the only country with slightly less beheadings than Afghanistan. There will be plenty of tickets.
LANA
It’s a twenty hour flight. And first-class is going to be completely booked by now.
ARCHER
Don’t be ridiculous.
INT. AIRPORT - TICKET COUNTER - SAME
An irate Archer argues with a ticket agent. Lana is bemused, watching from the sidelines.
ARCHER
What the hell do you mean that First class is sold out?
TICKET AGENT
I’m sorry Mr. Sterling. We sold all the first class tickets to a youth group.
ARCHER
To see who - Cat Stevens? Seriously, who would want to go to Pakistan?
TICKET AGENT
It’s completely sold out, Sir.
ARCHER
It doesn’t matter. We’ll take turns sitting in First Class during the flight. I call first dibs.
LANA
Not a chance.
EXT/ESTAB. ISIS HEADQUARTERS - DAY
INT. MALORY’S OFFICE
Mallory sits behind her desk. Cyril peeks his head in.
CYRIL
Toodle-oo! Vice President of ISIS Intragovernmental Affairs reporting for duty!
MALLORY
Take this. I need you to sign these papers.
CYRIL
(leafing through the papers) Grants? Are these new? Why is ISIS applying for Government Grants?
MALLORY
Homeland Security. CIA Food Drives. I don’t remember nor do I care. Washington has money and ISIS needs it. But we won’t get said money until you sign these applications.
CYRIL
I just think that I should take a few minutes to read over -
MALLORY
Maybe I should have given the job to someone who could handle the extra responsibility… and pay - like Pam.
PAM
(off-screen) Hell yeah!
CYRIL
(scribbling his name on the papers) Wait - There’s no need to be rash.
MALLORY
(snatching the papers back from Cyril) Good. Now scram.
Cyril leaves. Mallory presses the intercom buzzer. Cheryl enters.
MALLORY
Cheryl - get in her and fax these papers to Washington, I’m going to get…
CHERYL AND MALLORY
Drunk.
INT. AIRPORT - SECURITY LINE
Archer and Lana stand in the passenger screening line holding their IDs and Tickets.
ARCHER
This is idiotic. Why are we even going to Pakistan?
LANA
God, Archer, don’t you ever read the dossier? There has been a credible threat by Fundamentalists against the US Embassy in Lahore.
ARCHER
(distracted) Whore of Pakistan. Got it.
LANA
Look, it’s not my fault you did absolutely zero preparation for this trip. Except for that massive trunk you made Woodhouse haul around. What the hell did you put in that thing anyways?
ARCHER
Essentials - Lana. I’m going to be spending at least a week in Pakistan - I pack-i-stanied the things that anyone would need.
LANA
Weapons? Disguises? Money to bribe corrupt officials?
ARCHER
Food, Lana. American Food. I’m not going to spend the next week eating sandworms and hummus.
LANA
We’re going to Pakistan, Archer - not Dune.
TSA AGENT
Ticket and Identification Ma’am.
LANA
(Handing her materials to the agent) Here you go.
TSA AGENT
First Class? You didn’t have to wait in line.
LANA
(scowling at Archer) I wanted to see how the other half live.
Lana proceeds to the X-Ray machine.
ARCHER
Hilarious Lana. (to the TSA Agent, motioning to Lana) I thought she would never shut up. ‘Al Qaeda’ this and ‘Jihad’ that. What a weirdo.
TSA AGENT
Is that so? (into his walkie-talkie) We’ve got a ‘code Turban’ on an individual entering the security area. Black female - 125 lbs.
ARCHER
125? In her dreams!
TSA AGENT
(listening to his earpiece) Target identified? Good. (to Archer) You’re free to go, sir. Thanks for the heads up.
ARCHER
No problem.
Archer dashes over to the conveyor belt. As Lana goes through the metal detector, a large armed security agent approaches her.
SECURITY GUARD
Can you come with me, Ma’am?
LANA
What? Why?
SECURITY GUARD
Just come along Ma’am. We need to ask you some questions.
ARCHER
Go with the man, Lana. I’ll watch your stuff.
Lana leaves with the Guard. Archer switches his ticket with the Lana’s. He takes off, leaving her stuff behind.
EXT/ESTAB. ISIS HEADQUARTERS - DAY
CYRIL’S DESK
Cyril is sitting at his desk affixing his new title to his nameplate. His phone rings.
CYRIL
Hello? Yes, this is Cyril Figgis. (pause, proudly) Yes, I AM Vice President of Intergovernmental ISIS Affairs. How can I help you?
As Cyril listen, his face goes pale.
CYRIL
I…. understand… No, there isn’t… a… Goodbye.
Pam walks by.
PAM
What’s the matter with you? Just heard about the picture of your crank we posted online?
CYRIL
What? No. That was the Auditor’s office. They said there were “Gross inaccuracies” with ISIS’ paperwork and they are sending a team over to investigate.
PAM
Well, gross was the word I used too.
CYRIL
I’ve got to talk to Mallory about this!
PAM
(yelling after Cyril as he dashes off) You might need to print out a copy. She doesn’t read her email.
MALLORY’S OFFICE - SAME
Mallory pour wine and looks up at Cyril who is holding paperwork.
CYRIL
Excuse Me -
MALLORY
What is it Cyril? If that’s a picture of what I think it is, I’ve already seen it.
CYRIL
No. It’s the Grant paperwork. I just had a call with some government auditors and they sounded very upset.
MALLORY
Why are you telling me? I wasn’t involved in any of that.
CYRIL
You filled out all of the paperwork!
MALLORY
(loudly so others could hear her)
I have NO idea what you’re talking about. It’s your signature on all of the papers, Cyril. If you’ve been siphoning Government Grant money into ISIS accounts, I SURELY knew nothing of this.
CYRIL
But you -
MALLORY
* Wink * (spoken and performed)
CYRIL
(inaudible)
MALLORY
Now get out. And fix this! Mr. VP of intergovernmental affairs. We run a tight ship here at ISIS. (she begins to drink her wine)
INT/ESTAB. AIRPLANE - DAY
FIRST CLASS SEATING
Archer is sitting in a comfy seat in first class. A steady stream of passengers are boarding as Archer is drunkenly carousing and partying with two stewardesses. Finally, Lana appears. She is disheveled and upset.
LANA
Archer - There you are!
ARCHER
(slurred) Lana! You made it! Congrat-*hic*-ulations! Where have you been?
LANA
Being strip searched by TSA officers. Someone sent in an anonymous tip that I was a TERRORIST. (annoyed) Know anything about that?
ARCHER
Can’t say that I do. All I know is that for some reason this flight has three things: Booze, Swedish Stewardesses and Sleeping Pills.
LANA
Archer - you’re in my seat! You took my ticket!
STEWARDESS
Ma’am - you’re preventing the other passengers from boarding. And you’re harassing our first class clients. Please proceed down the aisle or I will have to ask you to deplane.
LANA
He took my ticket! Look at the name on there. He’s not Lana Kane. I am!
STEWARDESS
Listen Miss ‘Turban’. You have two choices - you can return to the interview room with shift supervisor Dow and his tiny, cold hands, or you can sit down in your seat at the rear entrance of the plane.
ARCHER
Rear Entrance - ha!
LANA
Archer - you better have the time of your life now because I am going to beat you to death once we land.
Lana storms off down the aisle.
ARCHER
I guess some people are just jealous of those of us who deserve first class, right?
Archer toasts the stewardesses. Sounds of revelry and glasses clinking.
INT. FIRST CLASS SEATING - LATER
A blurry-eyed Archer starts to resolve the scene around him. There are clean-cut young men, wearing ties, standing in the aisles holding guns.
ARCHER
Wha - hello?
HIJACKER #1
Don’t move, brother. Everything is going to be fine.
ARCHER
Certainly. Just two questions - do you any of you have any Tylenol and are we being hijacked?
HIJACKER #1
We don’t believe in Pills, brother. They are the seeds of Satan. And yes.
ARCHER
Oh shit.
CALLBACK TO KRIEGER DOG JOKES. Rock.
FADE OUT.