in texas
my mind constantly narrates what i would put down if i could get to a pen and paper or computer, but once i'm there, my mind goes blank. the words have already been used.
but i am here in north texas watching my grandma die. she has been sleeping for several days now, last night the hospice checked her out very thoroughly and reported that there is no intestinal activity at all anymore. every day her baggie has less urine and she gets more pain killers to keep her sleep comfortable. i may be wrong but i have to wonder why to criminals get humanely euthanized while good family members have to waste away on their own while the living sit around and try to keep the emotional roller coaster from crashing on each other?
just not fair.
i am supposed to be in fallon nevada on det for work, but am on emergency leave so i can be with family to share the torture and loss. this is my dad's mom and the family is small but close. i never got to visit enough but we never loved each other less and grandma was always so good to me. now she doesn't do anything but breath. soon that will stop and the sadness will hit hard. grandpa is holding up mostly but he is old school tough guy and prefers to tell stories of work during the war back in the day while sitting next to grandma's bed.
yesterday she quit breathing for a moment and scared us all. i could feel death so close. monday i dreamed that all my children and their friends wouldn't let me go to work, kept taking my uniform or my keys or blocking the door, anything it took to keep me from leaving, telling me that i had to wait because something was going to happen. when i woke up, i had an email from mom that this was happening.
now we are on death watch, i flew in thursday and spent several hours here at the hospital. all day yeseterday. here again today. just waiting and watching and wondering and hoping. uncle bill wants me to pick gramma's dress. i don't know if i can. i asked her yesterday if she had a favorite but she didn't tell me yet. my other uncle daryl, his girlfriend is here, maybe gramma will tell her.
my sleep is all screwed up, this hospital smells like powder. it is a small place, home texas place with time and people to care. much better than the body factories in the cities.
but i am here in north texas watching my grandma die. she has been sleeping for several days now, last night the hospice checked her out very thoroughly and reported that there is no intestinal activity at all anymore. every day her baggie has less urine and she gets more pain killers to keep her sleep comfortable. i may be wrong but i have to wonder why to criminals get humanely euthanized while good family members have to waste away on their own while the living sit around and try to keep the emotional roller coaster from crashing on each other?
just not fair.
i am supposed to be in fallon nevada on det for work, but am on emergency leave so i can be with family to share the torture and loss. this is my dad's mom and the family is small but close. i never got to visit enough but we never loved each other less and grandma was always so good to me. now she doesn't do anything but breath. soon that will stop and the sadness will hit hard. grandpa is holding up mostly but he is old school tough guy and prefers to tell stories of work during the war back in the day while sitting next to grandma's bed.
yesterday she quit breathing for a moment and scared us all. i could feel death so close. monday i dreamed that all my children and their friends wouldn't let me go to work, kept taking my uniform or my keys or blocking the door, anything it took to keep me from leaving, telling me that i had to wait because something was going to happen. when i woke up, i had an email from mom that this was happening.
now we are on death watch, i flew in thursday and spent several hours here at the hospital. all day yeseterday. here again today. just waiting and watching and wondering and hoping. uncle bill wants me to pick gramma's dress. i don't know if i can. i asked her yesterday if she had a favorite but she didn't tell me yet. my other uncle daryl, his girlfriend is here, maybe gramma will tell her.
my sleep is all screwed up, this hospital smells like powder. it is a small place, home texas place with time and people to care. much better than the body factories in the cities.