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[monumentalblond]

You know, I've been alone for a long time. 24 years is a long time, and sometimes I wonder if I really am gay because of the difficulty I've got in procuring the man I want. Maybe I'm just somebody who's been destined to grow out of a maddening ideal. Maybe I'm a soul whose quest is to get "with it" and "go straight." Those are two concepts that

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[dot_commie]

funny, this is the second time something like this has popped into my life recently -- my roommate is a gay indian guy, and was trying to explain to me the other day why his coming-out to his parents was so unsuccessful. he claims that in india, homosexuality is seen as completely removed from masculinity; gays there are so wildly effeminate that they're just seen as another gender, pretty much. his parents simply couldn't understand that he was gay since he doesn't have the trappings of what they see as gayness. and he says he sort of feels that way, too, since that's how he was raised and since he really doesn't identify with american gay culture at all.

then he started talking about foucault for awhile, and how gayness as an identity has only existed for 60 years, and how it used to be that they were just men who were kinda weird but got married anyway, and i sorta got lost.

but now he says he feels uncomfortable fooling around with his boyfriend.

i had never heard any reaction like this, so i didn't know what to say: i tell him to just be himself and do what he wants, since it seemed to me that he's just trying to fit into his parents' worldview. but i think he was trying to impress on me that it's also his worldview, and that he doesn't feel gay at all except for desiring men (isn't that the crux of it??!), and ultimately he doesn't know what he wants. i asked if he was attracted to women, then, and he said "not yet." what?

and then last week, he changed his "interested in" on facebook to "women." what?!

it's completely confusing to me, and ultimately none of my business. i just had never heard of this sort of struggle before: i guess i assumed that since coming out goes against the norms and comes with the risk of being heavily ostracized, you'd have to be pretty sure before you do it. that you'd only do it because you're so sure that you are who you are that it becomes limiting and suffocating to continue hiding it...having the "maybe i'm not actually gay" thought process afterwards never occurred to me. i'm just concerned that he's conjuring this all up in an effort to go straight since coming out to his parents went so poorly, but he keeps insisting that's not the case, even though he's said he's known he likes men since he was a small child and wished for it to go away every year when he blew out birthday candles...

sorry for the novel. this is just all stuff i've never encountered before.

[monumentalblond]

Perhaps he was pigeonholed. In the cold light of day (and before coffee, and still under the effects of last night's wine), I've got to remark blandly that it just doesn't matter that much. I believe in cleaving to a side because sexuality's a fluid thing that doesn't come out of the genes. It's really not an eye color.

The thing that fascinates me in your friend's situation is that he's changing even while partnered. My problem is that there don't seem to be too many prospects floating around for me, and I'm really not relishing the idea of holding out like a forgotten outpost. My second problem is that I really don't relish the idea of dating a girl.

O, to be queer.