Memories
I remember when I met boyfriend #1's mother:
ME: "Where're the keys?"
BF'S MOM: "They're with my better half."
ME: "Your husband or the side of you body not paralyzed by stroke?"
BF'S MOM: "EXCUSE ME, I don't think you really want to get on my bad side!"
ME: "*Scoff* If I got on your bad side you wouldn't be able to feel it anyway."
BF'S MOM: "I think you should leave now."
God, some people are so homophobic.
When I was little there used to be this fat fat man who would lick the sidewalk in the winter time. Only the winter- never any other time. I'd tell my parents but they thought I was crazy. So one day I see him doing it so I went up and asked him:
ME (AGE 7 or 8): "Why do you lick the sidewalk?"
SIDEWALK LICKER: "What're you talking about?"
Me: "I saw you lick the sidewalk."
SIDEWALK LICKER: "I was just bending over to get some change I dropped."
(The lie was free flowing and with the perfect amount of non-chalance- a gifted liar or more likely then not had been caught before and had a plausible excuse crafted. He was so convincing- but I knew what I saw).
ME: "I saw you."
SIDEWALK LICKER: "No you didn't because I didn't lick the sidewalk."
(He turned to go into the house).
ME: "You missed one there's a quarter right there."
(I was nervous- it was an obvious lie. He turned around and looked me right in the eye).
SIDEWALK LICKER: "You can keep it."
He made me believe that he believed my lie- he was a wondrous liar, truly something to behold. SEVEN YEARS later I'm out in the park and the SIDEWALK LICKER is with his wife and daughter. He grabs some kind of food from his daughter and goes to take a bite and his wife has a FIT! SIDEWALK LICKER'S WIFE: "Do you have any idea how much salt is in there! What about your blood pressure!" She went on and on. So yeah- he was licking the sidewalk to get the taste of salt. Strange but true, the moral of the story- patience and being at the right time at the right place can make life make sense.
I tried yoga- it's like Twister but with none of the fun.
ME: "Where're the keys?"
BF'S MOM: "They're with my better half."
ME: "Your husband or the side of you body not paralyzed by stroke?"
BF'S MOM: "EXCUSE ME, I don't think you really want to get on my bad side!"
ME: "*Scoff* If I got on your bad side you wouldn't be able to feel it anyway."
BF'S MOM: "I think you should leave now."
God, some people are so homophobic.
When I was little there used to be this fat fat man who would lick the sidewalk in the winter time. Only the winter- never any other time. I'd tell my parents but they thought I was crazy. So one day I see him doing it so I went up and asked him:
ME (AGE 7 or 8): "Why do you lick the sidewalk?"
SIDEWALK LICKER: "What're you talking about?"
Me: "I saw you lick the sidewalk."
SIDEWALK LICKER: "I was just bending over to get some change I dropped."
(The lie was free flowing and with the perfect amount of non-chalance- a gifted liar or more likely then not had been caught before and had a plausible excuse crafted. He was so convincing- but I knew what I saw).
ME: "I saw you."
SIDEWALK LICKER: "No you didn't because I didn't lick the sidewalk."
(He turned to go into the house).
ME: "You missed one there's a quarter right there."
(I was nervous- it was an obvious lie. He turned around and looked me right in the eye).
SIDEWALK LICKER: "You can keep it."
He made me believe that he believed my lie- he was a wondrous liar, truly something to behold. SEVEN YEARS later I'm out in the park and the SIDEWALK LICKER is with his wife and daughter. He grabs some kind of food from his daughter and goes to take a bite and his wife has a FIT! SIDEWALK LICKER'S WIFE: "Do you have any idea how much salt is in there! What about your blood pressure!" She went on and on. So yeah- he was licking the sidewalk to get the taste of salt. Strange but true, the moral of the story- patience and being at the right time at the right place can make life make sense.
I tried yoga- it's like Twister but with none of the fun.