Is all fair in love and war?

[montecristo]

Monday night I felt like a movie, so I shut down around 10:30, got my popcorn out and went to watch "Something to Talk About." Okay, this is something of a chick flick. I have a closet grudging respect for chick flicks, if they are done well. This one was interesting. The movie stars Denis Quaid and Julia Roberts as Eddie and Grace Bichon, a

Comments

[tentacularone]

Also, I don't understand this idea of divorce being a good thing for the woman. I know there are cases where a woman gets alimony, kids, a house, and the new guy, but from the (numerous) examples in my personal life, this seems quite rare. I have no statistics to back this up, but I know a lot (at least a dozen) of single mothers struggling to make ends meet and completely forgoing any hope of reentering the dating scene, and I can't think of one who is living the high life off of her ex-husband's success. I was raised by a single mother, and even though my dad paid child support, it didn't even remotely cover her needs for taking care of me - she often worked two jobs and had almost no social life.

Oh, as for women screwing around, there is a great movie with Meg Ryan and Matthew Broderick (I think the title is "Addicted to Love" but I can't do a web search right now). In it, Broderick plays a character whose wife just runs away to New York with some french guy on a whim. Here the woman is totally in the wrong, and he goes nuts and moves to new york to exact his revenge or get her back (in either case he would be in the right). In the process he meets Meg Ryan's character, who is getting her revenge on the frenchman. They of course get said revenge, are happy about it and fall in love with one another. Here the man and the woman are on an equal playing field. However, when Hollywood portrays women in the light of irresponsible sexuality, it is more often a single woman, (in my mind) because "that kind of girl" doesn't get married in the first place (does it show too much that I have a bit of resentment against the "madonna/whore" complex?).

I think there might be some bias in the direction of what you're saying, but it stands out more to you because of your experience.

For the last point, regardless of the outcome, I don't think there is a justification for the aunt to advice her niece to inflict pain upon the man. For me, at least, utilitarian morality just doesn't work. And if the portrayal doesn't present it clearly, there is no way to identify true intentions.

That was fun. Good night!

Wow. That was interesting!

[montecristo]

You know, I think I'm going to take your statistics at face value with regard to whether men or wome cheat more often. It does match with the idea that men and women pursue different "biological strategies" with regard to sex -- the woman trying to find a stable mate who will care for her children and their home and the man attempting to spread his genetic material as far as possible. Eh. I'm not so sure of motivations and evolutionary drives, but culturally, I think you're right -- that double standard is the traditional one. I think that feminism though has made inroads on it. Surprisingly enough, I think much of modern feminism has done less to enlighten and elevate men but rather provide women a liscense to be just as uncouth and unethical as some of the more boorish men.

For what it's worth, I am one of those people who believes that sex is far too important to be indiscriminate or promiscuous about it. I believe that it is self-debasement to treat something like sex cavalierly. To be honest, my ex wasn't just "indulging her libido" or "screwing around." It was "the communication problem" between us too. Her reaction though, was just to "go shopping" for something else regardless of what it did to her family. What I found most unjust and painful nevertheless, was her deceit and the fact that she did it repeatedly, instead of being honest or at least having the self-control to not screw someone else while allowing me to believe that she was still interested in being my wife. The biggest thing I fault her for is not that she did cheat, but that she thought I would be too stupid to catch her at it and that she couldn't just be honest with me about what she was doing. I could understand deception and even more drastic measures if I had been threatening her or blackmailing her or applying some other unethical coercion to keep her as "property" but I wasn't. Hell, I suspect that "sneakiness" was part of the "charm" of having an affair for her. In the end, she did it with impugnity, because I think it was simply easier for her, in the short run -- better living through deceit. In her mind, I think deceit allowed her to have her cake and eat it too. She didn't need to do the work of fixing anything with me as long as she had an "escape hatch." She keeps insisting, probably as a justification or a sop to her own conscience, that I regard her as evil. I don't. She's not. She's just contemptibly weak and cowardly. I guess finally deciding to cut her "lifeline" and leave me took some courage, and perhaps I should thank her, but frankly I'm just too disgusted with the whole mess to afford her much sympathy.

You're right about the revenge thing. My point though is why should a woman accept that "underdog" self-assessment by wallowing in petty revenge gratification? The need for petty revenge is just empowering to the object of ones frustration. As I said, if it is beneath the wronged man to take it out on the woman, why should it not be beneath the woman too? If a woman sets herself up to be used by a cad and a jackass, why should she not take responsibility for her decisions?

You've given me a couple of things to consider. I may have more to say after thinking about things a bit. Thanks.