I look at you and see the passion-eyes of May
I'm sitting here with my coffee, the fan is blowing on me but it is not really all that hot. It's been a very pleasant morning, for August, here in Livermore. There are no clouds in the sky. The temperature is in the mid 80's Fahrenheit. I had read "the news" and was making coffee and heard in my head, DJ playing The 5th Dimension's "Wedding Bell Blues," so I pulled up YouTube and found it to play. What a moving voice Marilyn McCoo has…yuuummm, sweet hot chocolate. Heh. There's that part in the lyrics where she sings: "But kisses and love won't carry me, 'Til you marry me, Bill." Damn. You can feel the longing, hear it down in her throat. What a singer. Think it's mere artifice, though? The song was originally written by Laura Nyro, not anyone in The 5th Dimension, nor was it even about Billy Davis, but The 5th Dimension took that song to number 1 in 1969. Marilyn McCoo and her fellow bandmate, Billy Davis Jr., are still married, and have been so since 1969.
I was out about an hour ago to get a steak and egg burrito at Carls Jr. That and an order of hash-rounds is what I've been operating on, most days, since March. I've dropped from around 285 pounds down to about 256 pounds this morning. I'm shedding about 10 pounds a month. I'm just done with being a fat guy. I'm starting to get really loose in my shirts again, and I'm probably going to have to buy myself some new pants, soon, or risk them spontaneously falling down around my ankles, however much I tighten my belt. I'm on track to hit 200 by around January.
The Ex's birthday was on the 3rd. She's been on my mind last week. I haven't spoken to her in years. I'm not sure what I would say to her if I had the opportunity. I have my disappointments with her, mostly because of how she relates to our daughters, or fails to do so, but there is no animosity. To the contrary, there is a reservoir of some affection for her in me. Maybe it's less better described as affection and more of empathy. She has her struggles. We've just fallen out of touch. She doesn't call me and I haven't called her. Still, she has been on my mind. Year by year though, she slowly becomes more abstraction than someone present, in the moment. Would I change that? Why? I don't know. It merely is what it is.
I've been talking to L. a lot this last week. Her other half is in Los Alamos, New Mexico, doing physics. What a funny coincidence, since the Oppenheimer movie is out in the theaters. Anyway, he's gone since last Monday or so and until this coming Friday. L. does not like to be alone. She told me that, quite matter of fact. She owns how she feels and what she thinks. She says that it used to bother or embarrass her, how much she does not like time alone, but it is something she has come to know about herself. I admire her candor and confidence on the issue. We've had some multi-hour video conversations on Skype the last week.
Every so often, L. and I talk about my dating ventures, or lack of same. Dating, love, sex, partnership…there is something in these things, call it our "mating behavior," that is deeply rooted in exactly who we are as individuals. As Ayn Rand pointed out:
"Tell me what a man finds sexually attractive and I will tell you his entire philosophy of life. Show me the woman he sleeps with and I will tell you his valuation of himself." She was right.
It's funny. We can be talking about the subject of dating, or her relationships, for that matter, and it is very emotionally activating. Who we are, fundamentally, is engaged, deeply invested, in the topic, as anyone who ventures into the topic can ascertain. It can be trigger-y. Fascinating, eh? Intimacy of any kind poses challenges to our senses of identity and integrity, and it took until David Schnarch In the 90's to just point it out clearly, and show us what was going on when we engage intimacy. Talk about your love life, especially with someone who matters to you, and pay attention to what happens with your emotions, in the moment. Heh.
She and I got into an interesting discussion of this lady who had written me an introduction on OKStupid. L. went to the web site and looked at the woman's profile. L. thought she was cute. I didn't think the woman was ugly, or plain, but she really didn't strike me as particularly attractive. It was interesting, seeing how L. was responding to our conversation. She seemed kind of "invested" in our differing opinion of what was attractive. I can't even imagine that she identifies with the woman on OKStupid. L. is very pretty woman, even if she is 62. She's in great shape, and looks it, her skin looks way younger than most women her age. Hell, I find her attractive. I love her eyes and her smile. She's got great legs and a nice, shapely figure. She is very easy on the eye, at least, my eyes, and those of the man to whom she is married, and he tells her so, too. So, I'm not so sure what was going on in our conversation. It was kind of strange, like she was taking it a bit personally, that I did not find that woman as cute or attractive as she did. What the...?
I showed L. the profiles of some the women to whom I have written an introduction in the past couple of years. I showed her the profile of this one gal to whom I'd written last year. I'd been terribly intrigued. She's a really pretty lady, 52, with long blonde hair, a warm smile, bright eyes. She has two kids, a boy and a girl, both in their later teens. Her profile was pleasingly long, and she writes perfectly, no spelling or grammatical errors, and breaks the fourth wall with finesse, inviting the reader in without being affected, crass, vulgar, or suggestive. You really get a sense of who she is, and this reveals that she knows who she is. She's travelled, has interesting tastes in music, literature, and movies. She's seems fun-loving but down to earth and not flighty. She has a fantastic sense of humor and the un-common sense to never once claim to be "a funny person" or have a good sense of humor in her profile. She shows, not tells. Her writing was intelligent and it made me laugh.
L.'s take on this woman was interesting. She read her profile and picked up on the fact that the gal is probably an NF type. Yep. Wow. I hadn't even taken note of that myself, but it was obvious in what the woman had written and the way she had written it: this woman is an iNtuitive Feeler. Interesting. L. noted that the gal was very polished. Yeah, I agreed with that, as well. She continued, just pointing out things in the woman's profile that she found interesting. She wasn't particularly critical, dismissive, or disapproving. I found it very interesting that L. seemed to be entertaining a kind of low-level, wistful envy for the woman's "polish," frankly admitting that this woman was way more polished than she was and that it would probably be cool to know this woman or talk to her. It was fascinating to hear her give her impressions, because she noticed things I hadn't. Suddenly, a realization crystalized in my brain: "Oh Great Hod, I'm chasing my mother!" Ack. I mean, my mother has a lot of great qualities as a woman, but on the other hand, she's not exactly the kind of woman who I would want in a life partner. I'm not sure what to make of that. It is undeniable that we are attracted to the familiar. Wow.
I showed L. the profile of another woman to whom I had written last year. Her reaction to this one, again, was different. This one is 54, brunette, quite pretty. She wrote a long and compelling profile too. I tend to be attracted to women who know who they are, are warm and funny, and this lady's profile was full of evidence of someone who knows herself and is comfortable with herself. Her humor is a bit more muted, and she's not quite as polished as the prior lady, but that's not a detraction. She writes intelligently. Interestingly enough, L. picked up on something I had noticed too. In all of the pictures of this woman, no matter her expression there is a kind of wistfulness in her eyes that keeps making me wonder what she's thinking. I didn't mention it to L. but she saw it too, saying that she felt kind of sad for this gal. Well. That's an interesting reaction. I hadn't exactly gotten sadness out of what I saw. Hmm. L. is a complex woman. I like that.
This morning, a lady wrote me on Plenty o' Fishy. She has a French first name, 61, lives over in The South Bay, has a masters degree, working as a chef. She's got no kids and her longest relationship in the 40 or so years she's had the opportunity, has been less than three years. She has hardly anything to say about herself on her profile, but the few lines she's written look like the work of someone who does not speak English like someone born and raised in the U.S….but she claims that she has no second language. I've got to pull my eyebrow down out of my hairline now. She drops a "Hi" into my inbox. Do I want to write back? I'm wondering how many lines we exchange before she gives the game away, a little bit. I wouldn't mind being surprised to find myself flatly wrong in my initial perceptions, but in this case, I find that somewhat improbable.