Could you whisper in my ear the things you want to feel
Lauralee's homework assignment: go talk to Hoss. Hoss, Prince Lir, Mr. Heart. Why him? Does she expect that part of me to tell me something heretofore unspoken? The conversation concerns what I want. Where is my desire? What is my intention? Does Hoss know these things? I do know one thing: Hoss knows what he likes, when he sees it, but is Hoss really in charge of my joy or is he merely responding to the presence or absence of joy? Is Hoss the source of my joy, or is some other part of me the one issuing him a "hunting license"?
I'd give you anything to feel it coming
L and I we had our wrestling with attraction or desire. Something deep in each of us does not understand something essential about the other. So, here we are. We have some kind of mutually satisfying emotional connection, but there is a gap which apparently cannot be bridged. I was reading some of my earlier posts. I see the bitterness and frustration of coming to learn that, at some fundamental level, L. and I do not understand each other. Lauralee appears to believe that my involvement with L satisfies me enough that I can just safely ignore any yearnings or longings for more, and just be OK with what I have with L. Is L. really a substitute? Larualee seems to believe that this is possibly the case. I think she wants to know if I think that. Sometimes I think so, but I do not know how much validity the idea has.
Do you want to get married, or run away
I tell Lauralee that I tend to choose situations or people that are safely not going to work or progress or get any deeper. It's certainly been my modus operandi. What if I cannot do anything different, cannot find the essential clue that would change that pattern for me? She wants to know if that's where I stand, if that is what I own. How in the hell can I say? I've said so before. I've been proven wrong before. Ceteris paribus, this is not a life I would choose, if I could find a better alternative. I haven't. What if I have attachment issues? I'm not really asking that as if I doubt it, or it is open to question. I know I do but I have not arrived at any place where I can say I know how all of the moving parts of that process fit together.
It is so difficult to be moved or inspired by an abstraction or a hypothetical. I might as well get a blow-up doll and project feelings onto it, or some sort of AI artificial girlfriend and pretend, as "K," the replicant, does in the movie, "Bladerunner 2049." I can't set my intention on an abstraction. It's falling in love with an idea. I have loved specific women, real flesh and blood. Blast it, Lauralee…talk to Hoss…what a thing to tell me. If Hoss and I could have figured this thing out we wouldn't be talking to Lauralee in the first place. We would not be sleeping alone, either. Res ipsa loquitur.
As the Chris Lapp character says in the movie, "Jeremiah Johnson," "You call this fighting?" Do I call this writing? No. I am typing in circles, much as I have always wrestled this issue, in circles. I'm frustrated. This would seem to be an interesting exercise for the next two weeks.
Here we go 'round the prickly pear
Prickly pear prickly pear
Here we go 'round the prickly pear
At five o'clock in the morning.