Touch me, you know I'm not a hopeless case
I found an interesting quote about marriage today, while surfing around and debating whether or not I should "go talk to somebody." It resonates with what Molyneux has to say about "real-time relationships:"
"The sign of a good marriage is that everything is debatable and challenged; nothing is turned into law or policy. The rules, if any, are known only to the two players, who seek no public trophies."
- Carolyn G. Heilbrun
The quotation was on the therapist's (there, I've typed the word) web site. I'm thinking of contacting one. I have no idea what the fuck I am doing. I'm just tired of confusion. I am tired of being wrong. I am tired of wondering whether I am wrong or not. I am tired of being insecure and defensive. I am tired of trying to sort out my stupid childhood and getting stuck. I am tired of not knowing what the proper course of action is. I am tired of reading until my eyes bleed, and feeling hopeful and enthusiastic about what I am learning, only to find that it is "not enough," or that it's too late. I am tired of not knowing if I am making headway or not. I'm tired of not knowing if what I am experiencing is/was love or neediness. I am tired of wondering if it is just my fault and I should refrain from trying or whether I have merely been making poor choices with respect to whom it is to which I become attracted. I am tired of not being able to figure out if what I am experiencing now is love, grief, doubt, or obsession. I'm tired of seeing her face in my mind's eye and experiencing unrequited longing - it sucks like hell, and thank you very much. I'm tired of making mistakes and then not knowing if what I have learned will finally be enough to get me somewhere I truly want to be. I'm tired of trying to fix things and wondering if what I am doing is improving anything or else just making the situation worse. I am tired of being alone. I am tired of wondering if I am being too "needy" or if I am being too cut off. I am tired of trying. I am tired of complacency. I am tired of trying to figure out if I'm being patient or obstinate. I'm tired of falling in love and ending up thinking it was the wrong idea, and then wondering if I am being honest with myself, and still having feelings. I am tired of having been so ambivalent for so many years about the lack of intimate connection and companionship in my life and yet thinking that at least it was much less problematical than grieving a loss of connection. I'm tired of just surviving and feeling as if it were OK to not have more. I'm tired of wondering which of us had or has the more rational assessment of our relationship. I'm tired of wondering whether it's mostly my baggage or hers. I am mortally tired of being doubted. I am dead tired of fighting my own doubts plus someone else's as well. I'm tired of missing her, and wondering about how she is doing even after hearing that she doesn't trust me and doesn't want to "engage". I'm tired of wondering if she will change her mind. I'm tired of wondering and trying to answer the question of what I should do if she does. I'm tired of wondering if I should change my mind or if that looks too much like giving up.