Time to brush my teeth...
Some people would say it's the stress of first semester sophomore year at Mudd. Others would attribute it to being a teenager. And still others would chock it up to merely being human. But whatever the reasons (I'll go with a liberal combination of all three), I've been kind of depressed lately, and after exhausting all the methods I can think of to clear my mind and cheer myself up, I decided to step back and evaluate my life as objectively as possible, so of course I used math. The good news is that this life-status test, although designed by me specifically for me, can be used by anyone to gain valuable insight into the quality of their life. Simply compare your life to the following criteria and replace my scores with yours. Then add up your total number of points (it could be negative, but let’s hope not) and see which category you fall under.
Criterion
Criterion
You haven’t fallen off a bike in the last few days and scraped your knee in such a way that it hurts like a motherf***er to bend it, and lost an uncomfortable amount of the skin on the hand that you write with.
YES (-15) / NO (+15)
-15
You suffer from any of the following diseases or ailments: hepatitis, SARS, gangrenous limb(s), the West Nile virus, cancer, bird flu, manic depression, illiteracy, blindness, food allergies, irritable bowel syndrome, scoliosis, rabies, Lou Gehrig’s disease, shingles, detached retina(s).
YES (-20 PER DISEASE)
NO (+10 PER DISEASE)
-40
You aren’t failing any of your classes at one of the nation’s top science and engineering schools.
YES (+75) / NO (-75)
+75
You have loving, supportive, and generous parents.
YES (+40) / NO (-40)
+40
You get to fly home in two days for Thanksgiving break, during which you will lay on your ass while stuffing your face, and not do one iota of work.
YES (+25) / NO (-25)
+25
You have someone in whom you are comfortable confiding a lot of the stressful crap that runs through your head like a 24-hours news reel of teenage angst and drama.
YES (+50) / NO (-50)
+50
You live an America, which, despite the fact that most of its citizens are culturally, geographically, and historically ignorant and are also arrogant, obese, lazy slobs, is still the land of personal freedom and opportunity.
YES (+150) / NO (-150)
+150
You can determine that the solution to
g′′′′(x) + c4g(x) = δ(x)
is
g(x) = (2-½)(c-3)[exp(-c|x|/2-½)] *
[cos(cx/2-½) + sin(c|x|/2-½)]
where g(x) is the steady-state deflection of an elastic beam under a load with a Hookean restorative force.
YES (+5) / NO (+25)
+5
You have never had a disease, syndrome, or any other type of medical condition named after you.
YES (+50) / NO (-100)
+50
You are culturally, geographically, or historically ignorant.
YES (-50) / SORT-OF (+0) / NO (+50)
+0
You never have to worry about where your next meal will come from.
YES (+50) / NO (-50)
+50
Your current, although temporary, physical condition requires the consumption of large quantities of Midol or an equivalent non-prescription medication.
YES (-10) / NO (+10)
-10
You next meal will come from the Hoch-Shanahan dining hall.
YES (-100) / NO (+100)
-100
Lower than -400: Honestly, it’s hard to believe you’re still kickin’ it. Go to the middle of the nearest bridge or the top of the nearest tall building right now.
-400 to -201: You could tell yourself that at least your life can’t get any worse. Unfortunately, you’d be lying.
-200 to 0: Have you considered meditation, personal or group therapy, religion, tying your shoes, washing your hands, or bathing regularly? If not, one or more of these may be something to look into.
1 to 200: Your life doesn’t suck more often than it does suck, so you must be doing something right. Give yourself a pat on the back. Just don’t hit too hard.
201 to 400: You have nothing to complain about, so if you complain anyway I will personally give you something to complain about.
401 to 600: The good news is that your life is fantastic and has been until now. The bad news is that by the law of averages the rest of it is going to suck big time.
Higher than 600: Who died and made you supreme overlord of the universe?
My Score: 290, which actually sounds about right for a test that I invented myself and then gave to myself to take.
And it’s true, I know; I really have nothing to complain about. In fact, my life is uncommonly good. The problem is that I’ve learned to take so many of the positive aspects of my life for granted. I should probably join the Peace Corps so I can have some perspective knocked into my head (and to help people in developing countries on the side) and stop wallowing in a swamp of teenage angst. Or I could just wait a month until I turn twenty. Once I’m no longer a teenager all of my problems and worries that fall under the category of “teen angst” will suddenly vanish, right?