Pain
It's odd how people grieve. It comes in waves... one moment, one day, one week, I'm fine, then the next, I'm falling to pieces. Then back to being numb... And so on. I know that it's because the human psyche can't really handle everything all at once, so it breaks it up into manageable bits... or however you want to describe it. I wish I could just take it all at once, and be done with it. I'm so tired of this roller coaster... I don't know how to handle it.
The other night, I had my first night home alone (and only the second night sober (I'll get to that in a second)) in a week. The walls started closing in, and I just... fell to pieces. In that moment, I honestly didn't think I could handle everything. It scares me. I've never been in a position where I didn't feel like I could handle something.
When Robbie first passed away, I knew I couldn't handle it all right then. Neither could my cousin Josh. Since he and I were both up at my mom's, we proceeded to spend the next 4-5 days drunk and playing a computer game. When he was sleeping (I didn't sleep a lot... still don't), I was focused on working on Trent's Halloween costume. Even then, there was a day that I broke down in front of the sewing machine. I normally make it a point to not drink when I am upset or depressed, but I needed to hide from the world for a while. It was, and still is, too much.
I made a new friend, and as we've only had a few conversations, I didn't want to burden him with the knowledge of all of these deaths, recently. It didn't seem like something I should bring up in the first few conversations with someone. I finally told him, though, because in our conversations, I kept having to allude to something unhappy happening in my recent past. I felt like it was starting to become this big nebulous secret, which it isn't. So I explained to him why I hadn't really said anything, and told him in as short of terms possible what happened. He asked me how I was still functioning. Honestly, I don't even know. I am functioning because... I must. Because even though all I want to do is hole up in my room and do nothing... I know that if I do that, I probably won't come out of it.
Right now maybe isn't the best time for me to be dating... but I am trying to focus on the positives of life, and look to the future. I can't allow myself to get stuck, because I'm afraid I won't become unstuck. But every time I'm alone... I feel my heart breaking all over again.
I don't know how to do this. This is too much.
I miss them all, with my entire being.
The other night, I had my first night home alone (and only the second night sober (I'll get to that in a second)) in a week. The walls started closing in, and I just... fell to pieces. In that moment, I honestly didn't think I could handle everything. It scares me. I've never been in a position where I didn't feel like I could handle something.
When Robbie first passed away, I knew I couldn't handle it all right then. Neither could my cousin Josh. Since he and I were both up at my mom's, we proceeded to spend the next 4-5 days drunk and playing a computer game. When he was sleeping (I didn't sleep a lot... still don't), I was focused on working on Trent's Halloween costume. Even then, there was a day that I broke down in front of the sewing machine. I normally make it a point to not drink when I am upset or depressed, but I needed to hide from the world for a while. It was, and still is, too much.
I made a new friend, and as we've only had a few conversations, I didn't want to burden him with the knowledge of all of these deaths, recently. It didn't seem like something I should bring up in the first few conversations with someone. I finally told him, though, because in our conversations, I kept having to allude to something unhappy happening in my recent past. I felt like it was starting to become this big nebulous secret, which it isn't. So I explained to him why I hadn't really said anything, and told him in as short of terms possible what happened. He asked me how I was still functioning. Honestly, I don't even know. I am functioning because... I must. Because even though all I want to do is hole up in my room and do nothing... I know that if I do that, I probably won't come out of it.
Right now maybe isn't the best time for me to be dating... but I am trying to focus on the positives of life, and look to the future. I can't allow myself to get stuck, because I'm afraid I won't become unstuck. But every time I'm alone... I feel my heart breaking all over again.
I don't know how to do this. This is too much.
I miss them all, with my entire being.