shit
shit. monika broke up with me. kinda. thats how i think of it. i was the one who actually did it. she had been telling max that she just doesnt like me anymore and feels bad for me cuz i like/love her so much. i can understand why anyone wouldnt wnat to do it. but. ever since we have been going out. i just told her. monika u have to be honest with me and tell me how u feel. she wasnt. she never told me. she cheated on me on 7/11/2005. caitlins b-day. i let her hook up with someone while i was on vacation. thats cool np. aparently she did a lot more than the once i allowed her too. she called me after she had did it. she sed she felt guitly. i sed dont. i let u np. this is the first time uve hooked up with someone else since weve going out right? she sed yes. so i was all set. it was a lie. i would have given that girl anything. i wanted to be such a great b/f. alls i asked for was honesty. thats pretty much it. so she had told max how she didnt like me and stuff. this is what happened last night. 9/9/2005 dans birthday and six months since ive had my license. me her and max wnet to this girl resha's house who lives in weymouth. since school started i noticed whenever monika is around me in a public place not when were alone she literally pushes me away. like i was holding her and literally she was pushing me away like when i let go she stumbled back. i was like w.e. and so she was all excited to see this girl resha who she met once. they were all lovey dovey and gay shit. and i can admit it later that night i started gettign jealous. cuz i was like trying to hold her hand but she didnt even notice. and then when we were driving aroudn alls they were sayign is like omg reshas my gf and blah blah blah and i lvoe u and u should let me have her for my b-day ian. so i brought it up. i was like wow u love this girl so much whom uve met once! once! and all night im just trying to hold ur hand u dont even notice. i was like monika when were around other people u dont trreat me like ur bf. and i am jealous that ur giving her so much attention. i mean i can understand u dont see her that much. but its all the time its liek u dotn wnat me anywhere. except when were alone. and she was liek no! i was like ok sorry im just being and idiot. then she stalled and said. no, no ur not. i was like ok whatever. so then like were drivign home and shes playign with her phone then ring ring max gets a text hmmm weird. i was liek why did u just text max. she got all defensive shes like whats worng with a text message! i sed nothing. then like two minutes later after she could think about it she sed i wasj ust asking if he likes resha. in my head i was like bullshit. what came out of my mouth was oh ok! so ya. i walked her to her door and i sed im so sorry for being a douche bag tonight. she sed its ok gave me a kiss and ran inside. i felt like shit. so me and max start driving to my house. and im all depressed but i didnt know anythign yet. max is like whats wrong? i sed. well when im around monika she makes me feel weird so i get scared that im fuckign up, then i do fuck up. he was liek oh. then ten minutes later hes like idk what to say.... i was like ok. so i got hoem and heather was here and heather and max arent on good terms so i was like max u gotta go home. and he got mad. then i kinda broke down i was like max im so sorry ur like my best friend i dont want to take u home but i dotn want to start a conflict. hes like udont even know. so i went down basset and i sed i know i dont evn know. i know! he sed pull over. i sed ok. so i did. he sed ian ur my best friend right i sed yeah. hes like theres somehtign i got to tell u. i sed ok. he told me that monika doesnt like me anymore and that she feels bad but she cant help it. shes not attracdted to me at all anymore she tries but shes not. and that she cheated on me. i was sooooo thnakful for him for telling me. thank you max really. so i sed ok. i gotta go over there and talk to her. so i drove and we talk and i told him. its not fair for me for her to do this. notl ike me but still go out. AND its not fair for her why should she have to go out with someone she doesnt wnat too. and istarted tearing a little but i was alright. he sed ian im so sorry. i sed its ok. he sed i wasnt supposed to tell u. i sed im so glad u did thanx dont worry ull be aight. so i rang her doorbell and she came downstaries. u could tell she thot i was just showing up to be like monika i lvoe u moo moo moo. then i was like we have to talk. she looked at my car and saw max then she sed ok but my mom is mad. i sed so we cnat go upstaires she sed no. so i sed. well u know that i know now. and i basically just talked. i sed idk how to feel. i mean i like u a lot. this whole time my eyes are like two faucets spilling out the ocean. and shes holding my pointer finger. idk why. and im like. monika. u. alls i ever wnated was for u to be honest. thats what i asked for. i wanted to be such a great bf and in return i wanted ur honesty. it hurst not knowning how u feel about me when u act anti-ian. shes like omg i wnated to tell u but i just couldnti had recently told her i think shes been my inspiratio nto do my homework lol. shes liek thats why it was so sweet i just couldnt do it. i sed. i have been asking for ur honesty since weve been going out and u cheated on me too? huh? she sed ya. jeff i was liek and more of shane while i was on vacation. thats where there is the direct lie. i had asked her if that night that was the only time she had hooked up with anyone and she sed yes. and the indirect lie was her not telling me she didnt like want to go out with me. i sed idk how things are going to go on fro mafter this. i sed. but. after tonight. were broken up. and i sed i still love u u rock. not like i wana get married but u know we had some good times. i sed after tonight we can still be best friends and she wasl ike yes ok good. i sed idk how its going to go i mean maybe well be frioend with benefits unless u go out with someone else. and she sed ian. this is 100% serious i dont liek nayoen else. so thats not why i wnat to break up. so thats one thing thats good its not another guy. then she sed but thaqts exactly what i want friend with benefits. but idk. last time we did that we just acted like bf and gf. and it would be really weird. plus i htink shes lieing because max sed she sed that shes not attracted to me at all so she prolly just sed that too make me feel better. i know she was tellign the truth about not liekign another guy tho cuz max had sed she sed that. so i sed ok well we will make it work dont worry. i kissed her and i sed goodnight. she tried to kiss me back but i just kinda walked away. and the whoel time i was cryign my eyes out stuttering and talkign she kinda had this attitude that was like oh shit he found out. here we go. so me and max drove back to my house and i cried like a little bitch driving home. its jus tnto fair how she played me by lieing. its the weirdest feeling. and maxtold me that she sed no matter what she loves me and whenever she sed it she meant it. but idk. i mean if she really did she could have told me she doesnt wnat to go out with me. and if she cnat do that then idk. so yah. i was very depressed and had no clue about what to do. i didnt know how or what to feel. then i just thoguth and htought all night. and i started getting pissed. cuz i just kept realizign how not fair it was. but i will get over it. today in them orning i was still rpetty bad but im pretty good right now. i think im going to see trapt tonight at their free concert. so thats goos. me and her still ahve to talk. cuz that was short. and i still owe her dinner. im going to get her to talk not have me talk and have her just say yes or no. shes going to be honest too. i think i still have two more cries over losing her. but i will be alright. u see i have kind of been preparing for this since our second month cuz it kinda happened a lot liek shes bewierd around me then shed be alright. so ya. thats how my night wnet last night. good nes. i get my truck on monday after school. thats cool. so. yah. she hurt me really bad. really bad. it also hurts cuz its like my last gf sam too. she liked me al ot then got annoyed with me. why i am scared is. is this gonna happen with every single girl i ever go out wiht? i dont think i want to be me anymore. god. i loved having a gf. it was so comforting to feel like there was a girl who liked u who u liked back and that the two of us had started our relationshipal adventure. lmao. goddamn she hurt me pretty bad tho.