Motherhood - Day 10
It's been 10 days since Alice was born.
I must say, this is a lot harder than I had anticipated.
I'm not sleeping well. I'm lucky if I get 3 hours of sleep a day/night ... and that's interrupted sleep!
She seems to have her AMs and PMs mixed up. And at night, she only cluster feeds, which means that she nurses for only about 5-10 minutes, about once every hour!
Breastfeeding has ben a challenge. I know, by her weight gain, that she's eating enough, but I feel like she's not latching on properly, and it's painful. It's also exhausing to have to be 'on-call' 24/7 for feeding, esspecially when she only cluster-feeds overnight. During the day today she slept for about 5 hours between eating, I ended up having to wake her up just to try and eat! Now, why can't she sleep like that overnight?? And, of course, I couldn't rest durig that time because we were out running errands.
I'm having trouble sleeping when she sleeps during the day, because I feel like I need to get things done.
I'm having trouble with my whole routine being off and having to cater to the needs of someone else rather than my own. This is making my OCD and anal-retentiveness even worse... it's difficult.
I'm also crying a lot. My hormones are all over the place. One minute I'm happy and on cloud-9, the next i'm so down and feel like I'm never going to get any rest again, and it's going to make me have a mental break-down! I've been very irritable, esspecially with Jay, and resentful that he's been sleeping.
I had a very good day yesterday, and got the most sleep I have yet.
I also had a moment of extreme elation yesterday. I suddenly felt so happy and peaceful, and -finally- felt like I have found my purpose in life. This is something i've never felt with any job or any other role in my life. This realization makes me very emotional. Call me old-fashioned, but, I really just want to be a stay-at-home mom.
I'm definetely very attached to this child. I rarely want to put her down. I spent about a half hour last night in Sarah's room with her and Kerry while Alice was napping in her cradle, and, while I know it's healthy for me to walk away and have some 'me time', I felt soo guilty for not being in the same room as her!! It was really hard on me.
The love I have for this child though, it's amazing!!
I had an incident this morning that has been really difficult for me. Alice fussed and cried from bassically 4am-8am. She would only eat for a few minutes at a time, changing her diaper wouldn't soothe her, and wouldn't really stop fussing when I walked around with her or gave her the pacifier. It was not easy, and I was -exhausted-. Kerry was over and took her around 7, right after I fed her a bit, and told me to go get some rest. The next thing I knew, I was being woken up, the baby was still crying, and Sarah was storming across the house, came in and yelled at me about how I shouldn't let my baby cry for that long and I shouldn't be trying to rest and needed to make her stop, then stormed back across the house, and slammed a door. I immediatly burst into tears, but took the baby and fed her and just sat with her until I calmed down.
I felt so guilty for the baby waking people up. But she shouldn't have yelled at me! Babies need to cry sometimes.. I know that.
I'm just really upset about the whole situation..
Today we took Alice to her 2nd pediatrician appointment.
She is up to 7lbs 8oz, and 21 inches long! The Dr. said she's doing perfectly!
She is also -my- Dr. and was asking how I was doing. I told her exactly what's been going on with me, and actually started to cry twice while I was there. She told me that I am going through the Baby Blues. It's not Post-Partum depression, but I need to watch out for how i'm feeling, because I am high risk for it.
She also told me that I should really start pumping, so others can feed her and let me rest, either that or I need to start supplementing with formula at night, basically to look out for my own emotional health and well-being. I'm just not the type of person who can go without sleep. I fall apart.
I'm getting really tired and it's getting hard to formulate my thoughts on here...
The baby is actually awake, in her swing, and being quiet and content. It's nice. :)
A little while ago I went to the backyard with the roomates and Kramer to get some fresh air, when I came back in, Alice was crying in her cradle, and when I picked her up, I was actually able to soothe her by sitting and cuddling with her, and talking to her, and rubbing her back. And she fell asleep in my arms. It was really nice. It made me so happy.
Despite all of the emotions and hormonal changes I'm going through, this baby is a joy. I can't believe how cute she is, and she gets cuter every day!!
I love her soo much.
:D
I must say, this is a lot harder than I had anticipated.
I'm not sleeping well. I'm lucky if I get 3 hours of sleep a day/night ... and that's interrupted sleep!
She seems to have her AMs and PMs mixed up. And at night, she only cluster feeds, which means that she nurses for only about 5-10 minutes, about once every hour!
Breastfeeding has ben a challenge. I know, by her weight gain, that she's eating enough, but I feel like she's not latching on properly, and it's painful. It's also exhausing to have to be 'on-call' 24/7 for feeding, esspecially when she only cluster-feeds overnight. During the day today she slept for about 5 hours between eating, I ended up having to wake her up just to try and eat! Now, why can't she sleep like that overnight?? And, of course, I couldn't rest durig that time because we were out running errands.
I'm having trouble sleeping when she sleeps during the day, because I feel like I need to get things done.
I'm having trouble with my whole routine being off and having to cater to the needs of someone else rather than my own. This is making my OCD and anal-retentiveness even worse... it's difficult.
I'm also crying a lot. My hormones are all over the place. One minute I'm happy and on cloud-9, the next i'm so down and feel like I'm never going to get any rest again, and it's going to make me have a mental break-down! I've been very irritable, esspecially with Jay, and resentful that he's been sleeping.
I had a very good day yesterday, and got the most sleep I have yet.
I also had a moment of extreme elation yesterday. I suddenly felt so happy and peaceful, and -finally- felt like I have found my purpose in life. This is something i've never felt with any job or any other role in my life. This realization makes me very emotional. Call me old-fashioned, but, I really just want to be a stay-at-home mom.
I'm definetely very attached to this child. I rarely want to put her down. I spent about a half hour last night in Sarah's room with her and Kerry while Alice was napping in her cradle, and, while I know it's healthy for me to walk away and have some 'me time', I felt soo guilty for not being in the same room as her!! It was really hard on me.
The love I have for this child though, it's amazing!!
I had an incident this morning that has been really difficult for me. Alice fussed and cried from bassically 4am-8am. She would only eat for a few minutes at a time, changing her diaper wouldn't soothe her, and wouldn't really stop fussing when I walked around with her or gave her the pacifier. It was not easy, and I was -exhausted-. Kerry was over and took her around 7, right after I fed her a bit, and told me to go get some rest. The next thing I knew, I was being woken up, the baby was still crying, and Sarah was storming across the house, came in and yelled at me about how I shouldn't let my baby cry for that long and I shouldn't be trying to rest and needed to make her stop, then stormed back across the house, and slammed a door. I immediatly burst into tears, but took the baby and fed her and just sat with her until I calmed down.
I felt so guilty for the baby waking people up. But she shouldn't have yelled at me! Babies need to cry sometimes.. I know that.
I'm just really upset about the whole situation..
Today we took Alice to her 2nd pediatrician appointment.
She is up to 7lbs 8oz, and 21 inches long! The Dr. said she's doing perfectly!
She is also -my- Dr. and was asking how I was doing. I told her exactly what's been going on with me, and actually started to cry twice while I was there. She told me that I am going through the Baby Blues. It's not Post-Partum depression, but I need to watch out for how i'm feeling, because I am high risk for it.
She also told me that I should really start pumping, so others can feed her and let me rest, either that or I need to start supplementing with formula at night, basically to look out for my own emotional health and well-being. I'm just not the type of person who can go without sleep. I fall apart.
I'm getting really tired and it's getting hard to formulate my thoughts on here...
The baby is actually awake, in her swing, and being quiet and content. It's nice. :)
A little while ago I went to the backyard with the roomates and Kramer to get some fresh air, when I came back in, Alice was crying in her cradle, and when I picked her up, I was actually able to soothe her by sitting and cuddling with her, and talking to her, and rubbing her back. And she fell asleep in my arms. It was really nice. It made me so happy.
Despite all of the emotions and hormonal changes I'm going through, this baby is a joy. I can't believe how cute she is, and she gets cuter every day!!
I love her soo much.
:D