don't save the whales (1st draft)

[monkeypudding]

Don’t save the whales
They’re a bunch of jerks
At least the one I saved certainly is

It was crossing Granville Street
Going against traffic and
Nearly got crushed by a bus

Until I pulled it back by its dorsal fin
At the last second and kept it
From turning into food for the skids

Now I’m no paladin but this whale
Thinks I’m some sort of angel and
It’s determined to pay me back

I told it I’m fine with everything
And I don’t need to be rewarded
I just need to be left alone

But the goddamned thing keeps
Sending me photos of it splashing
In the ocean and singing karaoke

Then I guess because I wouldn’t
Take him up on his offer he tried
To make me feel guilty by telling me

He told me how sad he is because
His friend Kavna recently died and
That’s why he was nearly hit by the bus

I guess the tactic worked because I’d told him
I’d meet up for coffee and taco salad and then
The whale offered me some Vodka

Made from a batch of krill it had caught
With its mouth, I said thanks for the liquor
Sorry for being so taciturn and gruff

The whale told me a joke about this
Russian dolphin named Dolph Lundgren
And how it kept picking fights with sharks

And losing, I guess it wasn’t much of a joke
But at least the whale was trying
He wasn’t acting like a whiny narwhal

I suppose the whale had just been feeling a
Little lonely and insecure because it was
One of the lesser known whales, a Minke

And I most of us have been there before
The one who’s too small for even the whalers
To hunt, someone who hangs around cruise ships

Craving love and attention from the tourists
Only to spend the entire trip hanging in the casino
Or your cabin getting drunk and skyping with

Mexican transvestites who promise you
They want a real relationship and you’re
The one they want it with but when they arrive

In your country with VISA in hand they disappear
And you never see them again until you’re
Watching Oliver Stone movies late at night on cable

Then the whale said something I found interesting
It said I know you stopped me from dying and
I appreciate it but you humans really need to

Stop trying to save the whales and the planet
We can take care of our neighbourhood
You just need to take care of yourselves first

You think the rest of creation doesn’t know
How asinine you guys are behaving, we’re been
Preparing for your eventual self-destruction and

The catastrophes that will follow for years that’s why
We’ve built giant underwater cities where
We can ride out the poison and radiation

For at least a couple thousand years or longer
And the same thing goes for the animals on the land
Did you really think we’d let you have all

Those bunkers the Scientologists are building
No way man once you start dropping the big ones
It’s party at the disco for the bears

The whale said this is the way I want to
Repay you even though you probably won’t
Heed my advice or take any action

My friends told me not to bother because
Your occasional acts of brilliance can’t
Outweigh the grievous nature of your sins

What a self-righteous blubbery twat, I left
The café without paying my bill and through
My pack of smokes in the ocean just to spite him

Then as I was walking home and against my
Better nature I stopped a group of drunken teens
From kicking the crap out of a badger

Now I can’t get the bastard to leave me alone