WHAT IF: The Avengers by The Wachowskis - A Textual Trailer
I have a special place in my heart for parodies. I especially love writing them. Here is my take on what "The Avengers" would have been like if it was done by The Wachowskis. Enjoy!
--------------------
The trailer opens with dramatic music. We see the back of a bald black man’s head. He turns around and it is Nick Fury. He has an eye patch over his left eye and a very serious expression on his face.
Fury: I’m glad to see you’ve all followed the White Rabbit.
We cut to a shot of six individuals listening to Fury. Steve Rogers is a tiny man wearing clothing that looks like it is from the 1940’s. Tony Stark is wearing an Armani suit. Bruce Banner has a lab coat on over his plaid shirt and khakis. Donald Blake is in hospital scrubs. Clint Barton is wearing a Robin Hood costume. He’s obviously a stage actor. And, finally, Natasha Romanoff is wearing a sexy red dress.
Steve: Yes, we did, and we have...
Tony: You know, if I had known that the White Rabbit would lead me to an abandoned warehouse with nothing but an angry-looking pirate sitting in a giant armchair and a dusty coffee table, I would have just cooked the thing for dinner. Mmm, rabbit stew.
Steve: Is everything a joke to you?
Tony: No, but this is.
Steve: I’m not laughing.
Tony: I am. At your stupid outfit.
Steve: Stupid out...
Donald: WE HAVE many questions for you, Mr...?
We cut back to Fury, who is sitting in his giant armchair and pinching the bridge of his nose. He takes a deep breath and then sits up straight.
Fury: You can call me Nick Fury. And, I will answer your questions with a question of my own.
Fury pulls two glass bottles out of his black leather trench coat’s pockets. One has red pills in it and the other has blue pills. He places the bottles on the coffee table.
Fury: The world as you know it is not what it seems. You’ve felt this. You know this. It’s why you’re here. You now have a decision to make. If you take the blue pill, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe.
Tony: Great, give me the bottle and...
Fury: BUT, if you take the red pill, you stay in Wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes. What will it be?
We cut to a shot of five hands reaching for the red pills and one hand reaching for the blue pills. Before that one hand touches the bottle, Fury’s hand appears and forces it over to the bottle with the red pills.
The music changes to something upbeat. We are now in a Karate dojo. Fury is wearing a brown Karate outfit. The six recruits are wearing white ones. Correction - Five of the recruits are wearing white ones while Banner is in nothing but a pair of purple pants.
Fury: Welcome to the Avengers Initiative, humanity’s final hope in defeating the Machines and taking back the planet. Today, I am going to teach you to fight.
Tony: I know seven different styles of martial arts, one of which was taught to me in China by...
Banner: Do you ever shut up?
Tony: Do you realize you’re wearing a pair of purple pants? That’s from, what, 1983?
Banner: You’re starting to piss me off.
Tony: And, seriously, if you’re going to try and show off to us by going shirtless, at least work out a bit before you do it.
Banner: You’re SERIOUSLY making me angry. And, you wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.
Tony: Is that a threat? Hey, guys, did the puny scientist just...
Banner: Guh... uuuh... Argh...
Everyone except Tony looks at Banner with concern as he starts to convulse.
Banner: What... Uuuuuuuh!... What’s happening to.... Aaaah... TO ME?!
Banner’s skin suddenly turns green as his body begins to transform into something taller and with a lot of muscle.
Banner: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGH!!!!!!!!!!!
When Banner’s transformation into a giant green rage monster is complete, he glares at Tony and then punches him in the face, sending him through one of the dojo’s walls. We hear Tony’s cry of pain fade into the distance.
Banner: Puny Stark.
After the other four Avengers high five the now-hulking Banner, Clint walks over to Fury.
Clint: You have GOT to show us how to do that!
Fury: All in due time, Clint. Now, let’s choose your code names.
The music changes once again to some exciting battle music as we cut to Steve Rogers in a red, white, and blue outfit with a shield fighting some Machines. He is taller and much more muscular now. A logo appears on the screen.
“CAPTAIN AMERICA”
A Machine with a flamethrower tries to torch Steve, but he knocks the weapon out of its hands, grabs it for himself, and aims it back at his opponent.
Steve: FLAME ON!
As the flames destroy the Machine, we hear a robotic voice.
Tony: LAME! Now, check this out!
Cut to Tony Stark in a red and gold suit of armour blasting Machines with blue repulsor beams and tiny little missiles.
“IRON MAN”
Cut to Donald Blake in an elegant silver and blue outfit with a red cape wielding a hammer. He is high up in the sky conjuring lightning bolts.
“THOR”
Cut to Bruce Banner once again in his green, muscular form wearing nothing but purple pants. As his fists smash Machines to bits, his logo appears.
“HULK”
Cut to Clint Barton in a purple outfit shooting arrows with his bow. Every arrow hits a Machine in the middle of the forehead.
“HAWKEYE”
As Clint continues to fight, a Machine with a sword sneaks up on him. Just before the Machine lops off Clint’s head, it has a seizure and drops to the ground in a heap of smoking metal. Clint turns around and smiles.
Cut to Natasha in a skin-tight black bodysuit standing sexily with one arm in front of her, the weapon on her wrist still smoking. Her boobs are one cup size larger.
“BLACK WIDOW”
As Natasha lowers her arm, the other Avengers move in around her, finishing in a very cool-looking group battle pose.
Cut to black. The music stops. We hear a dark, evil-sounding voiceover.
Voice: Ah, the Avengers. I’ve been expecting you.
Cut to a medium shot of a man wearing a black suit and golden helmet with giant horns. He is holding a bladed golden staff with a blue orb at the blade end. The smile on his face is frightening. Ominous music plays.
The Avengers approach the man.
Steve: Agent Loki.
Loki: Kneel before me, Avengers. After all, is it not simpler than to fight? Is it not your natural state? It's the unspoken truth of humanity that you crave subjugation. The bright lure of freedom diminishes your life's joy in a mad scramble for power. For identity. You were made to be ruled.
Tony: And, you were made to get your butt whooped. See, we never had the chance to save the world, but you can be damned well sure we’ll avenge it.
Loki sneers as his black suit transforms into a green and gold outfit. Meanwhile, thousands of Agent Lokis appear behind him.
Loki: I have an army.
Tony: We have a Hulk.
Banner jumps towards the army of Lokis.
Banner: HULK SMASH!
The music changes back to energetic battle music. Quick cuts of the battle between the Avengers and the thousands of Lokis are shown. Then, as the music comes to a climax, we cut to a black screen with a logo.
“THE AVENGERS”
Another black screen with white text.
“A Film by The Wachowskis”
A final black screen with white text.
“Coming Soon”
Fade to Black