some days I wake up dreaming... feels like I never even woke
Wow. I decided that today is the day to do nothing but sit back and reflect on my life... Stumbling onto my journal again last night, I realized that I don't really know why I have always posted in the past. It really has been a stress-reliever I suppose [that's definitely it]. So I have been sitting here scrolling through the "past" and it's hard to believe that I even wrote a lot of this stuff. Not that I am a different person or anything like that... but yeah, I kinda am. It's weird to have the evidence to back it up. For one thing, sure I'm the same old stress-ball of a woman, worrying about anything and everything. But on the other hand, I think that I have grown to handle things a lot better. For instance, one thing that just shocked me when skimming the posts, was my incredible amount of swearing. I honestly can't tell you the last time I swore... and it just seems really strange to sit and read what I was thinking. I don't ever remember being like that (bad memory?). Perhaps that was my way of venting my anger and now instead I just cry and get over it. But I hate reading that. I sounded like a filthy sailor. Just strange.. that's all. On the other hand, I also picked up that I must have been a lot more lonely back then. For instance, I posted a lot... and I mean A LOT. I can see one thing to posting a lot if you want to keep your good-happy-time memories jotted down, but mine was more or less a blog of incessant complaining. It makes me sad to think about it. I want to say that I wish I was more happy... but I don't remember being all that sad. I'm probably just a complainer. Anyways... back to reflecting. On top of being lonely from time to time, I am also going through these spells of being-ok with everything. Which, don't get me wrong... is wonderful. Today I am just feeling so peaceful... so much that I haven't felt like getting up out of bed since I woke up. Not sad, or depressed... just present (I think that's the best word that I can use to describe it). Strange feeling really. Why worry right... that's what everyone has been telling me for my entire life. Maybe I'm beginning to reach that point? It might be nice if that were true. I've been missing Ryan a lot lately. It has been over a month and a half since I have seen him.. and at least another month on top of that to go. I just wonder how much longer I'll be able to stand it. And I wonder every day if he actually misses me as well. Guys tolerate things a lot differently (such as separation). While I get sad and lonely, he says, "there is nothing we can do about it." It's comments like those that make me worried, but I understand that he does not think the same way as I do, so it'll be okay. As for today, I'm strangely happy being alone. In fact I really do enjoy my alone time. Can be one of the best times. Don't get me wrong... everyone needs to hang out with friends sometimes, but on the other hand, after living in an apartment by myself for the last two years, I'm just not sure how well I'll do with a roommate again. It's part of life. I knew eventually I'd have to do it again (either that or be single for the rest of my life). It will be a drastic change but I'm trying to think positively about it. I think I'll be fine. If I need "alone time" I can always lock myself in the bathroom or something. And like I said, I suppose it will be another month or so before I even need to face it.. Anyways, this has turned into yet another ramble-session. I can't believe I abandoned my journal for so long. It just feels so comforting to jot down my thoughts. Really helps to put me at peace... which is something I have been missing for a while. I'm glad I thought of it. Perhaps now with more of my thoughts off of my chest, I will try to find something productive to do (I already made a list of chores). In the mean time, adios!