the whole world is moving... and I'm standing still
Well it looks as if it has been about 8 months or more since I have logged onto here... so it's about time. I'm just feeling pretty lonely tonight. Ever since moving out here (to Denver), I feel like I haven't had time to breathe... and now that the time has come, I don't know what to do with myself. It's kind of a turning point in my life. I graduated, moved out here, studied my butt off for a month, passed my boards (huge hurdle), and now I end up in this mood. Problem is, I don't know what exactly my mood is. I would like to just sum it up and say that I'm scared, excited, nervous, relieved, and anxious about my new job. I'm at the point where I just don't quite know what to expect. I know that I will soon find out if I have chosen the right career path, but in the mean time I can't really sleep. I don't know what made me think to write in here. Probably because I want someone to talk to, but it is so late I can't really bug anyone. As I recall from past years, this usually helps to do the trick. Eventually I ramble on long enough to bore myself to sleep.
Okay... so here's what's on my mind. I'm kind of in a pickle.. My relationship with Ryan is wonderful and I am completely happy and excited about everything.. but I'm just not so sure about the whole 'him moving in' thing. Reason is... I'm doing it for the wrong reasons. The only reason I agreed to it in the first place is for financial reasons, and according to all of my know-it-all-judgmental-friends I am just setting our relationship up for failure. What bugs me is that they don't know. There's no way anyone could know what is going to happen. I'm just sick of everyone else knowing what is right/wrong/good/bad/etc. Perhaps this move will sabotage everything, but I sure hope not. That's the last thing I want right now. I eventually need to learn to stand up for myself. In the mean time (since that won't be any time soon), I need to find a way to stop dwelling over things that are not even certain.. and things that aren't even actually a problem. When it all comes down to it; yes, I would have rather had a year to actually 'date' in the same town before making a huge commitment such as an apt lease. However, it's done, so now all I have to do is wait it out and see how it works out. I can't keep letting everyone else tell me how it is going to be. ...now that sounded like a bunch of ramble. AnyWAys.. I guess what is hitting me the hardest is this whole "growing-up" thing. I mean, sure for the past few years I have been independent, lived on my own, supported myself (more or less)... but this year is going to be different. I know it. My job is more important (it's a real job), I'm already paying off my student loans, rent/living expenses are tremendous out here, and most of all.. I'm going to be living with a boy (eww). I guess I'm just afraid of the uncertain. That's what scares me the most in life. I never know what is going to happen in the future (in my relationships/friendships/career/where I live/anything and everything..). It really is an awful feeling, but hey that's life right. I suppose if I knew that everything was going to be okay, I wouldn't have anything to worry about. Life is all about taking chances; sometimes I wonder how things will come back to me... and if the chances I am taking now are just a bit too big. I need to have more faith.. I guess there is nothing that I can do about it now, so I'll just wait it out and see (hope for the best).
I can complain for a whole page about how scary it all is, but then again, I'm so lonely out here that I think I'm just ready now for the drama/excitement/mess/and anything else that is going to come with this. I suppose it will be a lot better than sitting around thinking about things that haven't even happened yet. Gosh I'm getting tired. I don't know if this accomplished anything... I'm sure it has (like I said, I bored myself to sleep). :P Whatever works... Well, perhaps I will log on again some time. Maybe make some sense next time I vent... nite.
Okay... so here's what's on my mind. I'm kind of in a pickle.. My relationship with Ryan is wonderful and I am completely happy and excited about everything.. but I'm just not so sure about the whole 'him moving in' thing. Reason is... I'm doing it for the wrong reasons. The only reason I agreed to it in the first place is for financial reasons, and according to all of my know-it-all-judgmental-friends I am just setting our relationship up for failure. What bugs me is that they don't know. There's no way anyone could know what is going to happen. I'm just sick of everyone else knowing what is right/wrong/good/bad/etc. Perhaps this move will sabotage everything, but I sure hope not. That's the last thing I want right now. I eventually need to learn to stand up for myself. In the mean time (since that won't be any time soon), I need to find a way to stop dwelling over things that are not even certain.. and things that aren't even actually a problem. When it all comes down to it; yes, I would have rather had a year to actually 'date' in the same town before making a huge commitment such as an apt lease. However, it's done, so now all I have to do is wait it out and see how it works out. I can't keep letting everyone else tell me how it is going to be. ...now that sounded like a bunch of ramble. AnyWAys.. I guess what is hitting me the hardest is this whole "growing-up" thing. I mean, sure for the past few years I have been independent, lived on my own, supported myself (more or less)... but this year is going to be different. I know it. My job is more important (it's a real job), I'm already paying off my student loans, rent/living expenses are tremendous out here, and most of all.. I'm going to be living with a boy (eww). I guess I'm just afraid of the uncertain. That's what scares me the most in life. I never know what is going to happen in the future (in my relationships/friendships/career/where I live/anything and everything..). It really is an awful feeling, but hey that's life right. I suppose if I knew that everything was going to be okay, I wouldn't have anything to worry about. Life is all about taking chances; sometimes I wonder how things will come back to me... and if the chances I am taking now are just a bit too big. I need to have more faith.. I guess there is nothing that I can do about it now, so I'll just wait it out and see (hope for the best).
I can complain for a whole page about how scary it all is, but then again, I'm so lonely out here that I think I'm just ready now for the drama/excitement/mess/and anything else that is going to come with this. I suppose it will be a lot better than sitting around thinking about things that haven't even happened yet. Gosh I'm getting tired. I don't know if this accomplished anything... I'm sure it has (like I said, I bored myself to sleep). :P Whatever works... Well, perhaps I will log on again some time. Maybe make some sense next time I vent... nite.