(no subject)
as of late ive got alot on my mind. college. silence. school. future. car. money. jobs. overdoses. shakes. heart palpatations. people. moodswings. love/hate. lust. eh so much more. FRUSTRATIONS.
so ive got no idea what i want to do with my life. no idea where i should go to school. no idea why i'm even bothering. and no motivation to get my grades up to get off this island.
SURE. ive got this whole idea to go into communications and major in public relations type fields. who knows if it'll even work. i hate people, well people who i know mostly. i get pissed off by things that they say and just sometimes dont say. actions of the same nature and thinking "oh im so cool" while telling the stories make me sad. the whole vibe of the people who live here is just tragic. im generalizing in some forms now. theres not alot of open minded people here and those who are open minded, i dont know too well. that whole scene of kids who get off on fighting in groups, listening to the same jumpy club sounding songs and same sonic boom bass hip hip songs, and all wearing the newest and most expensive brands just doesnt excite me.
i know everyone is in some form fake. the field im pondering on working in deals with possibly the queens and kings of this race of egotistical, maniacal(sp?), and inconsierate people. i guess the whole looking at someone and being all nice to them while secretly thinking that i would love to jam a mallot down their throat kind of makes me happy. the amount of people that i geniuinely like can be counted on my two very small hands, and even then theres some left over. then theres this distancing i tend to do of myself, which makes no sense. i like to be alone alot and just sit thinking and such can make me happy. on the other end theres the whole fact of spending a weekend night alone that just upsets me. its not always fun to have a lonely cloud hanging over your head. i dont know where im trying to go with this.
i kind of have all topics going through my head at once right now. a self pity is exactly opposite of what im looking at right now but posting things in here makes me feel better. i dont even care if anyone reads this. i just am not in the mood to write in my book so im typing. sometimes i over think myself, if thats possible. i dont really get why its worth living. i mean dont get me wrong im not at all suicidal. i just dont like the whole theory of living. in the end it has no value- youre just going to die. many can argue oh but theres everything to live for. well bully to you if you feel that doing your best in life and trying you hardest to get places is something you enjoy. its just not my thing. the putting pressure on yourself to be the best doesnt appeal. id rather just wake up and do what i feel like when i want and if it kills me oh well, atleast i enjoyed doing what i wanted.
meg has sort of convinced me that once i get off staten island and go to college everything will be much better. i hope so. its hard to deal with what i deal with. i dont open express my feelings to others because some people dont agree with an orientation i am of and its not worth grief from other people in all honesty. many people are very opinionated on this topic, not to mention my parents. they have this whole theory of killing all these people and how its so wrong and not normal. fuck being normal, its not a choice. i guess im just so frustrated about everything. bottling things up doesnt help. i dont trust people to express my inner thoughts to. you know what fuck it, sure ive got insecurities and faults but everyone does. why do i try to analyze everyone else, doing that doenst take away problems, toniann. all it is doing is loading the powder to a gun keg. its all going to go kaput soon.
ugh. im not making sense to anyone really now. but you know what that is fine because this is for me and not for you. im going to do for me right now. i think i need to cut out this little drug indulgence ive got going on. all its providing for me is the shakes and extremely hard heart pounding. the initial highs are great but then i have that crash period. no, you know what this isnt worth it - im going to stop this part.
i dont get why everybody is so caught up on relationships of romance and saying i love you. theres a difference between loving someone and being in love with someone people. you can love someone but it doesnt have to be some big old commitment. ive made that mistake of mixing the two not once but twice. i dont regret anything except for the self denial parts. im with meg on this one. i like the fact of someone loving me. fuck that is what it is. i cant get this point across really. ive got a half thought and im stuck now. i need to stop writing here because im just creating more shit in my head to think about.
imsorryfuckyou.
so ive got no idea what i want to do with my life. no idea where i should go to school. no idea why i'm even bothering. and no motivation to get my grades up to get off this island.
SURE. ive got this whole idea to go into communications and major in public relations type fields. who knows if it'll even work. i hate people, well people who i know mostly. i get pissed off by things that they say and just sometimes dont say. actions of the same nature and thinking "oh im so cool" while telling the stories make me sad. the whole vibe of the people who live here is just tragic. im generalizing in some forms now. theres not alot of open minded people here and those who are open minded, i dont know too well. that whole scene of kids who get off on fighting in groups, listening to the same jumpy club sounding songs and same sonic boom bass hip hip songs, and all wearing the newest and most expensive brands just doesnt excite me.
i know everyone is in some form fake. the field im pondering on working in deals with possibly the queens and kings of this race of egotistical, maniacal(sp?), and inconsierate people. i guess the whole looking at someone and being all nice to them while secretly thinking that i would love to jam a mallot down their throat kind of makes me happy. the amount of people that i geniuinely like can be counted on my two very small hands, and even then theres some left over. then theres this distancing i tend to do of myself, which makes no sense. i like to be alone alot and just sit thinking and such can make me happy. on the other end theres the whole fact of spending a weekend night alone that just upsets me. its not always fun to have a lonely cloud hanging over your head. i dont know where im trying to go with this.
i kind of have all topics going through my head at once right now. a self pity is exactly opposite of what im looking at right now but posting things in here makes me feel better. i dont even care if anyone reads this. i just am not in the mood to write in my book so im typing. sometimes i over think myself, if thats possible. i dont really get why its worth living. i mean dont get me wrong im not at all suicidal. i just dont like the whole theory of living. in the end it has no value- youre just going to die. many can argue oh but theres everything to live for. well bully to you if you feel that doing your best in life and trying you hardest to get places is something you enjoy. its just not my thing. the putting pressure on yourself to be the best doesnt appeal. id rather just wake up and do what i feel like when i want and if it kills me oh well, atleast i enjoyed doing what i wanted.
meg has sort of convinced me that once i get off staten island and go to college everything will be much better. i hope so. its hard to deal with what i deal with. i dont open express my feelings to others because some people dont agree with an orientation i am of and its not worth grief from other people in all honesty. many people are very opinionated on this topic, not to mention my parents. they have this whole theory of killing all these people and how its so wrong and not normal. fuck being normal, its not a choice. i guess im just so frustrated about everything. bottling things up doesnt help. i dont trust people to express my inner thoughts to. you know what fuck it, sure ive got insecurities and faults but everyone does. why do i try to analyze everyone else, doing that doenst take away problems, toniann. all it is doing is loading the powder to a gun keg. its all going to go kaput soon.
ugh. im not making sense to anyone really now. but you know what that is fine because this is for me and not for you. im going to do for me right now. i think i need to cut out this little drug indulgence ive got going on. all its providing for me is the shakes and extremely hard heart pounding. the initial highs are great but then i have that crash period. no, you know what this isnt worth it - im going to stop this part.
i dont get why everybody is so caught up on relationships of romance and saying i love you. theres a difference between loving someone and being in love with someone people. you can love someone but it doesnt have to be some big old commitment. ive made that mistake of mixing the two not once but twice. i dont regret anything except for the self denial parts. im with meg on this one. i like the fact of someone loving me. fuck that is what it is. i cant get this point across really. ive got a half thought and im stuck now. i need to stop writing here because im just creating more shit in my head to think about.
imsorryfuckyou.