Dear one (ch 4/?)
Title: Dear one
Author: Me ^.^
Pairing: Masuda/Tegoshi
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Romance, fluff
Summary: After being separated for almost a year due to a fight, Masuda and Tegoshi meet up in order to solve everything again. But the feelings Masuda has for Tegoshi may cause trouble again, just like they did in the past.
Notes: English is not my native language
Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3
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Masuda wished that the moment would never end, that he never had to face Tegoshi, had to hear his answer. The boy was still in love with Ryo; that was pretty clear. So why did Masuda give in to his emotions and just blurt his feelings out like that? It was doomed on beforehand, Masuda was so well aware of it, but he hadn’t been able to stop himself.
Tegoshi was staring at him, expression shocked and confused, his lips still parted from the kiss and his eyes wide. “Massu, is this…are you…?”
Tegoshi didn’t succeed in forming a coherent sentence, he just started at Masuda. Masuda’s heart was beating like crazy in his chest, and he looked down at his knees, avoiding Tegoshi’s gaze. His eyes already stared to fill with tears, because he would hear it soon, that ‘I’m sorry, but I’m still in love with Ryo’ and ‘I thought you loved me only as a friend’. His heart broke just when thinking about it, shattered into million pieces. He had done it now; he had ruined everything between them. Things wouldn’t just go back to normal, they definitely wouldn’t.
“Massu, are you…are you in love with me?” Tegoshi seemed to have processed things now, and Masuda could feel a small hand cupping his cheek. “Massu, look at me.”
Masuda bit his lip and lifted his gaze, meeting with Tegoshi’s deep, big eyes. Tegoshi still looked confused, and his eyes expressed certain sadness, one that made Masuda’s heart ache. “I need to know.”
Masuda felt his bottom lip trembling slightly, but he tried to hold himself together. “I…am. I’ve loved your for a long time now.”
Tegoshi bit his lip, lowering his gaze. When he spoke again, his voice shivered slightly, like he was crying. “I must have hurt you so much. I’m so sorry, you must have been so sad when I started dating Ryo, and…”
Yes, he was definitely crying. Masuda looked at Tegoshi, tears falling down his cheeks, eyes full of sadness and pity. “Massu, I’m so sorry…”
Masuda shook his head, tried to blink the tears away. “It’s not like you’ve done anything wrong, you didn’t know after all.”
“So…that’s why you didn’t like Ryo?” Masuda nodded, barely noticeable. “I…I see. Well, that explains things.”
None of them said anything after that, and the atmosphere between them was really uncomfortable. Masuda tried to swallow the lump in his throat down, tried to at least act strong. He was scared that his voice would betray him, but he couldn’t just stay quiet. “I’m sorry…Maybe I shouldn’t have told you.”
Tegoshi shook his head, gazing at Masuda from the corner of his eye. “I am happy that you feel this way towards me, really. But…I’m afraid that I will hurt you. I already have, and you’re my closest friend, have always been. I don’t want to hurt you even further.”
Masuda took a deep, shivering breath. “So…that’s your answer?”
Tegoshi bit his lip. “I’m sorry, Massu. I really am.” He sighed quietly. “I’m still in love with Ryo, you know that. I love you a lot of course, but only…as a friend.”
“I know.” Masuda’s voice came out only as a whisper, and he tried to hold himself together even though his heart broke into pieces that very moment. “It’s okay; I already knew how you felt after all.”
Tegoshi looked at Masuda, eyes filled with tears. “I really wish that I could fall in love with you, Massu. I know you would take good care of me and love me a lot.”
Masuda almost wanted to as him why he couldn’t, but whatever the boy would answer it would break his heart even further, so he decided against it. “It’s okay. Don’t worry about me, I’ll be fine.”
Tegoshi eyed him sceptically when he rose, biting his lip. “I’ll go to sleep now.”
“Will you be alright?”
Masuda nodded, so obviously lying. “Don’t worry about me. Goodnight.”
Tegoshi looked like he would say something, but he just nodded. “Goodnight.”
First when Masuda had walked a bit, and knew that Tegoshi could no longer hear him, he let the tears fall freely. He was an idiot. Why did he have to do that when he knew that Tegoshi would surely not return his feelings? They had been apart for an entire year due to Masuda’s feelings, and again, his emotions would maybe destroy everything between them. But this time they maybe wouldn’t be able to fix it again.
****
The next morning turned out to be exactly what Masuda had predicted. A nightmare. It was heartbreaking to see Tegoshi gaze at him when he entered the kitchen, but quickly turning his eyes away, looking tense. It was uncomfortable, and Masuda immediately lost all his appetite, not that he had had much to begin with.
Koyama and Shige didn’t seem to notice the tension between the other two, not that they seemed to notice anything that was outside their little bubble. It made Masuda jealous, he had to admit that. The two of them always seemed so comfortable in each other’s company, like they really belonged together. Maybe he and Tegoshi didn’t belong together, maybe they just weren’t meant to be. But that thought didn’t comfort Masuda the slightest, it just made him even sadder.
“Massu!” Masuda woke from his thoughts and turned his head. Shige smiled when meeting his gaze. “Did you have a bad night?”
Masuda gazed confusingly and him. “Why?”
Shige laughed shortly. “Because you look like a zombie.”
Masuda laughed, a pressed and faked one, and rubbed his eyes with the back of his hand. “Well, I guess I have.”
“We thought of going to the amusement park today, what do you think?”
Masuda nodded, but when he saw Tegoshi’s eyes, expressing sadness and guilt, he decided that he had destroyed enough for the boy. “I’m sure it’ll be great for you, but I think I’ll stay here.”
“Why?” Shige suddenly looked a bit worried. “Is something wrong?”
Masuda shook his head, laughing lightly. “I’m just tired. You’ll have a great day without me, I’m sure of it.”
Shige nodded, but looked a bit sceptical. “Are you sure you’ll be okay?”
“Yeah.” It was a lie, but it would be best like that. Tegoshi was probably feeling bad enough without having him around, looking all heartbroken and depressed.
“I guess we’ll be off then.” Shige gazed at Masuda, eyes still expressing something close to worry. Shige and Masuda had known each other long enough to be able to read the other well, and Masuda was aware of that he wasn’t a good actor at all. It was obvious that Shige would notice right away that something was wrong. “Massu, are you sure about this?”
Masuda just nodded. “I am. Off you go.”
Shige smiled slightly, walking out of the kitchen in company with Koyama. Tegoshi followed, gazing at Masuda with sad eyes. He looked like he would say something, but remained quiet and left the room. Masuda could only watch his back when he walked down the corridor, soon disappearing behind the front door, leaving Masuda all alone. But maybe it was best like that.
Drinking coffee alone in a cosy café seemed like a good idea; it would certainly cheer Masuda up. And it would have, if it wasn’t for all the happy couples that had thought up the same idea for the day. Masuda used to feel warm and happy inside while watching people being with the person they loved, but this time it made his heart break. Just because he seemed to be the only one who was all alone, and not together with the person he loved the most, like he wished he was.
Tegoshi felt guilty; it had been clearly shown in his eyes earlier that day, and that made Masuda feel guilty as well. Because he had promised himself that he wouldn’t make the boy feel sad, ever. He couldn’t even accomplish that. Maybe Tegoshi was best off without him after all, because he hadn’t even managed to be by the boy’s side without creating problems for him. Maybe he was cursed or something, who always managed to create problems wherever he went; even for his most beloved person. He sighed deeply and leaned his face in his hands, looking out the window, noticing how raindrops started to fall from the sky. He almost found it amusing that the weather seemed to adjust to his current mood, grey and gloomy.
What should he do? And what would he say to Tegoshi when they had to speak to each other again? Because they surely wouldn’t be able to avoid each other forever, even if they wanted to. If it was possible, Masuda wanted for them to continue as friends, because he didn’t want to lose Tegoshi completely. But maybe it wasn’t possible to just go back after everything that had happened, maybe Tegoshi wouldn’t be able to look at him the same way now. Probably not, Masuda’s sudden kiss and confession must have been rather shocking for the boy, there was no way he would be able to see Masuda the same way he always had done when he knew his true feelings. It broke Masuda’s heart even more to know that he had maybe destroyed everything between them now, permanently.
Masuda ended up staying at that café longer than he had intended, and he started to wonder if the other three had went back already, the really should since the weather surely wasn’t suited for a day at the amusement park. Masuda noticed that he felt hungry, but it wasn’t strange since his last meal had been breakfast. But even though he was hungry, he lacked the appetite, a rare thing for him, but that made it an indicator of his current mood. He sighed deeply, emptying his fifth cup of coffee and putting it down with a thump. It was worthless to just sit here and be miserable, but Masuda preferred it before having to see face Tegoshi. He just wasn’t ready for that yet.
The goddess of fate really must have loved to see him suffer, because he could hear that very familiar voice in that very moment, the voice that this time sent shivers down his spine.
“So here you are, Massu!” Masuda swallowed before lifting his gaze, Tegoshi’s pretty face entering his vision. “We wondered where you had gone.”
“Ahh…” Masuda lowered his gaze again, not wanting to risk meeting Tegoshi’s eyes. His heart started beating a lot faster when Tegoshi sat down beside him, and Masuda tried to discreetly move away from the boy, if only a little bit.
“Massu…” Tegoshi’s voice expressed slight nervousness, but he continued to speak. “About yesterday…I’m sorry.”
Masuda shook his head and pressed a smile. “I told you its okay, didn’t I?” He turned his head a little bit, just to be able to see Tegoshi’s expression.
“But…You don’t look okay.” Tegoshi was certainly right about that one, Masuda couldn’t argue. “And I’ve thought about it. A lot.”
“About what?”
Tegoshi bit his lip. “About you.” Masuda stared at him, trying to figure out what he intended. “About…us. About what you said.”
Tegoshi looked straight into Masuda’s eyes, expressing no doubt whatsoever. “We could actually be something. We could love each other.”
Masuda shook his head and turned his gaze away. “No. You told me clearly that you’re still in love with Ryo, didn’t you? I…it would hurt to be with someone who doesn’t even love me.”
“I can’t make a fuss over that forever. I want to get over him. I know that I can’t force my feelings, and that I can’t force myself to fall in love with you, but still…Massu has always been special. We don’t have to sleep together, not even kiss, or do anything we haven’t done this far. I just…” He sighed deeply, as if a huge, thick cloud was covering his heart. ”I just don’t want to lose you.”
Masuda didn’t know what to think, or even feel. One part of him thought that Tegoshi was a selfish brat, who only needed him for comfort, nothing more. But he had known Tegoshi long enough to know that he wouldn’t do that. He was selfish, yes, but on a harmless level. If he was doing this for someone’s sake, it was for Masuda’s, to make him feel better.
“I don’t know…It’s as you say, you can’t force your feelings. That’s why I’m sceptical towards all this.”
Tegoshi looked down, a sad and disappointed look on his face. “I understand. I just…I don’t want you to be sad. I hate to see your sad face. And at those times, I wish I could do something to make you smile again, if only for a moment.” His voice was shaking so much that Masuda almost thought that he had started to cry. “You’ve been in my life for such a long time now, and I don’t think that I could stand it if you disappeared.”
Masuda touched Tegoshi’s shoulder lightly. “Yuya…”
Tegoshi sobbed softly, and wiped away some tears from his cheek with the back of his hand. Some of the other customers sent them suspicious glares, but Masuda just patted Tegoshi’s head lightly.
“I don’t want to lose you…”
“I’m right here, and I will always be. Even if you don’t fall in love with me, ever, I want to always be your friend.”
Tegoshi looked up at him, biting his lip. “Massu…”
Masuda laughed lightly, punching Tegoshi lightly on the arm. “So don’t cry.”
Tegoshi nodded, wiping his tears away. Then he lifted his gaze, smiling. “But…If I’m going to fall for someone, it most likely is you. One way or another, I’ve always been in love with you.” He laughed, making Masuda’s heart beat faster. “Ever since I was a kid.”
Masuda couldn’t help but smile back, his heart racing in his chest, and a certain warmth spreading through his body.
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Once again, this chap took reeeeally long time to write. I can’t seem to get the right flow in my writing at all, so I don’t like this chapter all that much. I’m seriously considering taking a break from writing, just because I worry too much about everything else to be able to write something that won’t end up as a total disaster.
Aw, well, I haven’t decided on anything yet.
I hope the chapter was better than I think it was ^.^ Thanks for reading, comments very are loved ^.^<33333