monday, day one of the 1st week
Thank you God for everything, in spite, of what is happening. This situation has become bigger than me - something I cannot even begin to understand or handle; But You know. you know my heart, and that is comforting. There is nothing anyone can say -the only comfort I will know will come from You. It's hard, and I get so overwhelmed. At the least expected moments. I am so unhappy.... and that word - unhappiness - is such an understatement. I never thought I would or could feel this way. I never in a millon years thought - Mike would just leave like this. Well, it just goes to show you : a lot. At my age - this is so ridiculous. Your heart shouldn't be broken past 19 years of age. Okay - maybe 24. Because then you have so many years to heal, get through it, and find happiness that is drawn from maturity, and knowing what is right for you. Hearing God's voice, and what He sends your way. It is so much more than you canever imagine. And you know when it has arrived. The spirit whispers it to you in your sleep, and it becomes a part of your being. You feel your destiny has finally been revealed.
About 4 o'clock today, I panicked - my heart hurt so bad. I was going into a sales meeting to talk about our 2006 strategy and new commission plan. I thought I was going to die. It was monday, the timing - about the time when we call each other about dinner. All was wrong with the world. Last week i would have called Mike to tell him that this was going to be a long meeting - and then I realized, that it wouldn't matter to him. Wouldn't matter what time I would be home. My heart constricted; I lost my breathe. I could barely talk. I can't tell you... But I did pull myself together (after prayer)and I don't think anyone knew any different. Also - there is that innate ability I gracefully accept and give thanks for - buck up, hold your head high, and join the meeting with your heart tucked so deep inside (noone would ever know), and participate as all is well with the world. Thankfully. Thank God - because I prayed for courage, and the ability to conduct myself professionally. God works miraculously.
This sucks so bad.
Natalie and Jason came over tonight. I wish they could come over every night. That's unrealistic and selfish. What the hell am I suppose to do??? Nothing. God is calling me to be still. So that I can hear Him - and do what He is asking of me.
All of his things are here. Our pictures. Pictures of Isaac. His daughter's wedding portrait next to my daughters; a wedding photo I found of Christopher and Zoe. A picture of Kevin and Kirsten next to a picture of Natalie and Jason. Anthony. Savannah - a beautiful picture Mike took our her. And of course - the twins. His Mom. A framed message Christopher wrote when his grandfather passed away. Our life... the good, the bad, the indifferent. But a blessed life, none the same, I thought. My failed attempt to create a blended family of all our incredibly remarkable children... As if I was trying to create some good karma - that might draw us all together. Not the best of friends - but an attempt of being civil and polite for Mike's sake.
Mike, think - what brought us together? He won't. You left me a long time ago. Someone said that to me recently. I stared at her blankley. I guess you did. I thought you really did love me. Maybe once you didn- but that was before I prooven to be imperfect...
And I have to stop this because my kids are going to think I'm loosing it. Which I am (not)- but your kids aren't suppose to know these things. Kids - I am fine. You know your mom.
I don't want to be alone. But that isn't what this is about. At my age - there won't be anyone else... it would be naive to think any differently. Thank God I have my loving children, and a sweet grandbaby on the way.
I live among the dead now. The downtrowdend. God lift me back up to you. I suppose I don't even have to know why Mike doesn't love me anymore - OR - why he won't say why. Regardless of the reason - he says I cannot change it. That it is him - and not me. The oldest cliche in the book. I am the one rejected. If it isn't me than who the hell is it? I am the person who took him for what and who he is - regardless of anyone else's approval - and he lost interest in me when I couldn't be what other people in his life wanted for him. Miss Perfect? Maybe she is out there. I told him from the beginning, I was far from perfect. Who is? At least, I didn't pretend to be something I was not. Because other's opinion's of me(approval?)are more important to him than what he knows in his heart - he has decided that I am not worthy. Because of lies, other's romance with chaos and not looking at the big picture. Eternity. With that said - who really is the worthy one? I took him - with all his charm, compassion, generousity, and ... whatever I mistakenly took for loyalty . But life isn't perfect - and when I wanted to discuss health issues, the future, being happy and thankful for what we have right now (this very moment, and all that we have been blessed with in this life ... it was not enough for him. His poor mom - that he has to carry most of the burden. Emotionally. Noone will ever know the dejection and the rejection he has had to carry single handedly - his cross to carry. The horrible things she says to him, and in spite, of her stroke, her illness - he buys into it. But not once would he ask for help or encouragement from another Rios. Just came home ... numb, sad, bitter - angry. Anger towards Kenneth who has to "work so hard". God, no one knows! i told him to remember her when she was his mommy - the good times, the over protectiveness, her pride in her boys. When she was a happy, pretty woman, how she smelled, and how she smiled. How she loved his father. Who she is now - is not that woman. What the hell can I know? All I know - is everyone gets to keep their lives in tact - and my life is shattered, my husband is gone. Becuase he can't handle all of this - and something had to go - and I was chosen. While he suffers and watches his mother suffer. Maybe if this woman is not the real Elia Rios - then maybe this isn't the real Michael Rios. Where is he? Where did he go and will he ever come back? God will take her soon - to her husband, to a place where she will be happy and comfortable. In the meantime, he is leaving me - because he can't be married, - it isn't me, it's him. I would rather him tell me he is having affair than some bullshit line. I won't and never will accept that. I know differently.
So - what will I do? For now, nothing. Becuase he has made it adament that he wants nothing from me. And I have begged. I have pleaded. Sounds pitiful, but, not to do so, is prideful. He knows where I stand. Not very good at mincing words. He doesn't want to hear from me. I suppose at this point I should comply. I've said all I can say. I love you and I want you to come home.
Prayer. It's all I have. And I will continue to pray for him, for our marriage - for a change of heart. And if I can't have that - if this isn't in God's plan for us - or if it is in Satan's plan for him -then I will be patient. Pray for reconciliation and God's plan for the both of us; that there will be reconciliation. I hope that he can once again believe in the sacredness of marriage.... the vows we said. (Did he ever? - I thought he did). But I want you to know - that this marriage was not coincidental and not a mistake. He lost heart - and many times I did too. But I never lost hope, and the trouble we had -I prayed for it to be resolved. And with God's grace, and unbending faith knew that it would be. Some of those prayers were answered - and some have not been. But who am I to question God's timing? I have prayed for forgiveness in my heart to those that have deeply hurt me - and that I would be forgiven as well. Because looking back - nothing was ever done that can't be fixed or overcome. Life is so short. God calls us to love one another. And besides, I was never one to hold a grudge. But my Mike does - hold a grudge, his inability to forgive - is a chronic disease. Eventually it will kill you. He can act perfectly charming to an individual, walk away and say something terrible. What is that? Oh well, none of us are perfect. I have said things myself that were so unfair.
Enough Enough Enough. I want to go back in time. To New York or Napa Valley or perhaps - to my little living room on Happy Hollow, dancing to George Straight and being happy.
Maybe being in love on this earth isn't always attaintable - it's something we conjur up when we need for it to fit in our lives ; like getting on
a fitness kick; the statistics of success of fitness programs isn't all really that high. We try and put a band-aid on a weight problem ... when weight really isn't the problem - just a sypmtom of bigger things. Maybe love is like that for some as well ... just a quick fix when we are having a fleeting moment of lonliness, and the need to connect with someone; But like all addictions - when all of the high's have left us with dispair, guilt, incompleteness... we have no other alternative but to abandon the drug of choice that didn't work - and pursue another one. But Jesus teaches us to be a community of believers - so I do not accept quick fixes. Love Conquers All.
I need a vacation.
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About 4 o'clock today, I panicked - my heart hurt so bad. I was going into a sales meeting to talk about our 2006 strategy and new commission plan. I thought I was going to die. It was monday, the timing - about the time when we call each other about dinner. All was wrong with the world. Last week i would have called Mike to tell him that this was going to be a long meeting - and then I realized, that it wouldn't matter to him. Wouldn't matter what time I would be home. My heart constricted; I lost my breathe. I could barely talk. I can't tell you... But I did pull myself together (after prayer)and I don't think anyone knew any different. Also - there is that innate ability I gracefully accept and give thanks for - buck up, hold your head high, and join the meeting with your heart tucked so deep inside (noone would ever know), and participate as all is well with the world. Thankfully. Thank God - because I prayed for courage, and the ability to conduct myself professionally. God works miraculously.
This sucks so bad.
Natalie and Jason came over tonight. I wish they could come over every night. That's unrealistic and selfish. What the hell am I suppose to do??? Nothing. God is calling me to be still. So that I can hear Him - and do what He is asking of me.
All of his things are here. Our pictures. Pictures of Isaac. His daughter's wedding portrait next to my daughters; a wedding photo I found of Christopher and Zoe. A picture of Kevin and Kirsten next to a picture of Natalie and Jason. Anthony. Savannah - a beautiful picture Mike took our her. And of course - the twins. His Mom. A framed message Christopher wrote when his grandfather passed away. Our life... the good, the bad, the indifferent. But a blessed life, none the same, I thought. My failed attempt to create a blended family of all our incredibly remarkable children... As if I was trying to create some good karma - that might draw us all together. Not the best of friends - but an attempt of being civil and polite for Mike's sake.
Mike, think - what brought us together? He won't. You left me a long time ago. Someone said that to me recently. I stared at her blankley. I guess you did. I thought you really did love me. Maybe once you didn- but that was before I prooven to be imperfect...
And I have to stop this because my kids are going to think I'm loosing it. Which I am (not)- but your kids aren't suppose to know these things. Kids - I am fine. You know your mom.
I don't want to be alone. But that isn't what this is about. At my age - there won't be anyone else... it would be naive to think any differently. Thank God I have my loving children, and a sweet grandbaby on the way.
I live among the dead now. The downtrowdend. God lift me back up to you. I suppose I don't even have to know why Mike doesn't love me anymore - OR - why he won't say why. Regardless of the reason - he says I cannot change it. That it is him - and not me. The oldest cliche in the book. I am the one rejected. If it isn't me than who the hell is it? I am the person who took him for what and who he is - regardless of anyone else's approval - and he lost interest in me when I couldn't be what other people in his life wanted for him. Miss Perfect? Maybe she is out there. I told him from the beginning, I was far from perfect. Who is? At least, I didn't pretend to be something I was not. Because other's opinion's of me(approval?)are more important to him than what he knows in his heart - he has decided that I am not worthy. Because of lies, other's romance with chaos and not looking at the big picture. Eternity. With that said - who really is the worthy one? I took him - with all his charm, compassion, generousity, and ... whatever I mistakenly took for loyalty . But life isn't perfect - and when I wanted to discuss health issues, the future, being happy and thankful for what we have right now (this very moment, and all that we have been blessed with in this life ... it was not enough for him. His poor mom - that he has to carry most of the burden. Emotionally. Noone will ever know the dejection and the rejection he has had to carry single handedly - his cross to carry. The horrible things she says to him, and in spite, of her stroke, her illness - he buys into it. But not once would he ask for help or encouragement from another Rios. Just came home ... numb, sad, bitter - angry. Anger towards Kenneth who has to "work so hard". God, no one knows! i told him to remember her when she was his mommy - the good times, the over protectiveness, her pride in her boys. When she was a happy, pretty woman, how she smelled, and how she smiled. How she loved his father. Who she is now - is not that woman. What the hell can I know? All I know - is everyone gets to keep their lives in tact - and my life is shattered, my husband is gone. Becuase he can't handle all of this - and something had to go - and I was chosen. While he suffers and watches his mother suffer. Maybe if this woman is not the real Elia Rios - then maybe this isn't the real Michael Rios. Where is he? Where did he go and will he ever come back? God will take her soon - to her husband, to a place where she will be happy and comfortable. In the meantime, he is leaving me - because he can't be married, - it isn't me, it's him. I would rather him tell me he is having affair than some bullshit line. I won't and never will accept that. I know differently.
So - what will I do? For now, nothing. Becuase he has made it adament that he wants nothing from me. And I have begged. I have pleaded. Sounds pitiful, but, not to do so, is prideful. He knows where I stand. Not very good at mincing words. He doesn't want to hear from me. I suppose at this point I should comply. I've said all I can say. I love you and I want you to come home.
Prayer. It's all I have. And I will continue to pray for him, for our marriage - for a change of heart. And if I can't have that - if this isn't in God's plan for us - or if it is in Satan's plan for him -then I will be patient. Pray for reconciliation and God's plan for the both of us; that there will be reconciliation. I hope that he can once again believe in the sacredness of marriage.... the vows we said. (Did he ever? - I thought he did). But I want you to know - that this marriage was not coincidental and not a mistake. He lost heart - and many times I did too. But I never lost hope, and the trouble we had -I prayed for it to be resolved. And with God's grace, and unbending faith knew that it would be. Some of those prayers were answered - and some have not been. But who am I to question God's timing? I have prayed for forgiveness in my heart to those that have deeply hurt me - and that I would be forgiven as well. Because looking back - nothing was ever done that can't be fixed or overcome. Life is so short. God calls us to love one another. And besides, I was never one to hold a grudge. But my Mike does - hold a grudge, his inability to forgive - is a chronic disease. Eventually it will kill you. He can act perfectly charming to an individual, walk away and say something terrible. What is that? Oh well, none of us are perfect. I have said things myself that were so unfair.
Enough Enough Enough. I want to go back in time. To New York or Napa Valley or perhaps - to my little living room on Happy Hollow, dancing to George Straight and being happy.
Maybe being in love on this earth isn't always attaintable - it's something we conjur up when we need for it to fit in our lives ; like getting on
a fitness kick; the statistics of success of fitness programs isn't all really that high. We try and put a band-aid on a weight problem ... when weight really isn't the problem - just a sypmtom of bigger things. Maybe love is like that for some as well ... just a quick fix when we are having a fleeting moment of lonliness, and the need to connect with someone; But like all addictions - when all of the high's have left us with dispair, guilt, incompleteness... we have no other alternative but to abandon the drug of choice that didn't work - and pursue another one. But Jesus teaches us to be a community of believers - so I do not accept quick fixes. Love Conquers All.
I need a vacation.