(no subject)
So I'm losing my little charge to a live in nanny by the New Year and it is breaking my heart and causing a major "what the heck do I do now" crises for me. I watched her full time for a year and am attached as all get out and love her to death and was really hoping she'd stay until preschool and on top of that MONEY. Panic. So, choices. I could find an evening and weekend job that would mean getting Grandparents and aunts to pitch in dragging kids around to activities. It would also mean missing soccer games and gymnastics and swim meet and shows and probably church. I could take up Usborne again and try to make a thing out of it. It would mean very much becoming someone I am not as sales turned out to be brutal for me. Wasn't that I couldn't sell the product. I believe in it so much I felt it sold itself. Getting my foot in the door in the first place was so hard for me and in the beginning at least would involve begging friends to have parties which is so humiliating for me. I don't really have any friends so that's a slight problem. And again some problems with scheduling. Or I could try to find another infant or two to watch. I would need to become certified as this could no longer be construed as a family member and that would involve some serious work on the house. I have a possibility already, twins not even born yet so...not a sure thing at all. It would be very stressful for the girls in some ways, especially Zoe (would take too much to explain why this is so hard on Zoe), but I'm pretty sure my working nights and weekends would be hard on them too. However, I could see that home day care thing growing and becoming something I could continue and be good at when the girls are "gone".
Or I could throw in the towel, put them all in school and go to work full time outside my home. A possibility that makes me so sad I have a hard time contemplating it, but there was a time when other things made me feel that way and I'm surviving them right now. Life has a way of taking away all the stuff you think you can't live without and saying "Ha. You look pretty alive to me.".
But the joy and peace...How much does one sacrifice to survival without fighting as hard as you can for the joy and peace? I want to find the option with the most joy and peace for the most people and try it at least. I just don't know what that is. And since I know many people will tell me these things come from God and not from circumstances, let me just add that I know that. Circumstances do effect us though and there is no reason to choose a path that I dread and think is sad if there are other options that look healthier, right?
Or am I just kicking against the goads again like I always do. Fighting the inevitable, swept along by the steam. Should I just go quietly or should I go screaming? I tend to always go screaming and...well I have to ask myself "How's that workin' for ya?"
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