that thudding backbreaking heartbeat rhythm is coming around the bend.
christmas morning: 3:19am.
i love christmas. i do, i do!
i'm exhausted. i am compulsively staying up because i miss her so much, because kev emailed me from the philippines, where he spent christmas watching businessmen creepily stalking around with young prostitutes on their arms. i got email from hawksley workman today, not me personally but it felt like it.
this has all been about standing, staring forward, back at the black hole, but things are starting to feel more solid maybe? patty comes tomorrow, i could cry with joy. i will, probably.
it's amazing when you can see the way you've been and not like it one bit. so inspirational. so gut-wrenchingly painful and satisfying. thank god, thank whomever- something i can change, once and for all.
she's perfect and doesn't go to midnight mass. she makes beautiful desserts and can articulate where she's at, even with emotions that don't equate to words. she flows and breezes and dances and plots and choreographs her way to perfection every time. i can't get enough, i never will...i need the proximity, i need the knowledge of it, and 2 weeks together gives even a taste of that and i'm ready for anything, as long as it's with her. so many unanswered questions this christmas, and there's a numbness there that hasn't been towards much, but it's as though i'm unthawing, dripping all the carpet and being reabsorbed by some cheap mauve fibre.
i can't think, really. my head hurts, but it's good. everything is good right now. it's the knowledge that i'll feel full again so soon.
merry christmas. i'll write something pretty another time.
-ian
i love christmas. i do, i do!
i'm exhausted. i am compulsively staying up because i miss her so much, because kev emailed me from the philippines, where he spent christmas watching businessmen creepily stalking around with young prostitutes on their arms. i got email from hawksley workman today, not me personally but it felt like it.
this has all been about standing, staring forward, back at the black hole, but things are starting to feel more solid maybe? patty comes tomorrow, i could cry with joy. i will, probably.
it's amazing when you can see the way you've been and not like it one bit. so inspirational. so gut-wrenchingly painful and satisfying. thank god, thank whomever- something i can change, once and for all.
she's perfect and doesn't go to midnight mass. she makes beautiful desserts and can articulate where she's at, even with emotions that don't equate to words. she flows and breezes and dances and plots and choreographs her way to perfection every time. i can't get enough, i never will...i need the proximity, i need the knowledge of it, and 2 weeks together gives even a taste of that and i'm ready for anything, as long as it's with her. so many unanswered questions this christmas, and there's a numbness there that hasn't been towards much, but it's as though i'm unthawing, dripping all the carpet and being reabsorbed by some cheap mauve fibre.
i can't think, really. my head hurts, but it's good. everything is good right now. it's the knowledge that i'll feel full again so soon.
merry christmas. i'll write something pretty another time.
-ian