ian is in a straightforward mood.
sometimes i think it would be easier if i felt totally alienated all the time.
it's like i've tied myself to things and people and images and ideas that make it so much more difficult to make a huge change in my life.
i think i need to leave theatre school. there are so many reasons behind this, and this holiday is going to be all about seeing what's possible. because my mom and dad are so pragmatic, they are incredibly supportive of no matter what i do, as long as it's well thought out. this doesn't always work the best with my spontaneous and reactive nature. i'm home now, and it's hard to talk about it with them. it's hard even to deal with it in my own head.
i need to be with patty. that is the first thing. we have to be together for real, and it has to happen soon, because neither of us are handling being apart well. i peel away from myself when i'm not with her, and yet we're so real that i can't afford to do that...she relies on that discarded skin. being from such different places and not having that mutual time of us-ness that we are striving to REgain is frustrating...we are living on faith and hope and so much trust and it's difficult to do when we're both trying to be immersed in our immediate environments. to top it off, my theatre school experience seems to be putting artistic blinders on me, so that the immersion it requires means i'm also actively shutting out other ideas, which puts patty in a really awkward spot. if i think about the reasons i'm at ryerson right now, i keep coming back to the fact that i'm with patty...so it doesn't seem to make sense that i'm not really 'showing up' in either of these most-important parts of life. i'm not sure if this will make sense to everyone who reads this...but really i'm just trying to organize thoughts here.
this doesn't mean that i don't want to be an actor. on the contrary, i've never wanted to act more in my life...i'm just taking into consideration that there are so many other things i want to do, including living with my love to the fullest of it's potential. i can't volunteer or get involved in the way i want to while at school...at least in this program...i can't work to make money to make travelling easier, i can't satisfy my restless soul. in my faculty interview they told me that this experience was about 'bathing in exploration'...which to me is all well and good when you're working on a production, but when it's just for the sake of exploration, day in and day out, it's selfish.
options are difficult. i could move to new york, which would mean getting a green-card in order to work, which is a tough process, or studying down there (another type of green card that doesn't allow me to work) which costs way too much for me. i could go travelling with patty, which requires her taking a semester off or something. if i'm in new york with her, i'd be living under a roof that her parents are funding, which causes awkwardness. i could stay in toronto and transfer schools, which i don't know if i can even do at this point in my program. i could take a year off and return to ryerson. i could change my major and try to do an exchange or something. i could drop out and get a job in toronto, and just go for extended visits to new york. i could stay in banff for awhile and figure shit out. i could go travelling without patty. i could stay at ryerson theatre school and suck it up and keep doing what i'm doing.
so...
that leaves...3 options that satisfy the first need of being with patty.
i have reached a slight catch-22. sort of.
that's okay, because who am i to dare to disturb the universe? or something. i've vowed to no longer coast. i've vowed to let my hair grow long and enjoy life again. i've vowed a lot of things. i'm such a vower lately.
so if you have any thoughts or suggestions, lemme know. i know that things will work out, and that i'm a lucky motherfucker who will be happy wherever i end up. i know these things. i have beautiful people in my life who care about me very much, i have art and music and mountains and snow and love and a sound body and a reliably insane countenance. as mom says, the waters are muddy right now. but i'm wadin' in them and there's no point in looking to the horizon to see why my feet are stuck in the sand beneath. you dig?
i should sleep, knowing me that's really key. i'll update with other happy things later.
i love you. and you, and you, and you. and...well...i like you a lot, but love's a strong word.
goodnight lovelies.
it's like i've tied myself to things and people and images and ideas that make it so much more difficult to make a huge change in my life.
i think i need to leave theatre school. there are so many reasons behind this, and this holiday is going to be all about seeing what's possible. because my mom and dad are so pragmatic, they are incredibly supportive of no matter what i do, as long as it's well thought out. this doesn't always work the best with my spontaneous and reactive nature. i'm home now, and it's hard to talk about it with them. it's hard even to deal with it in my own head.
i need to be with patty. that is the first thing. we have to be together for real, and it has to happen soon, because neither of us are handling being apart well. i peel away from myself when i'm not with her, and yet we're so real that i can't afford to do that...she relies on that discarded skin. being from such different places and not having that mutual time of us-ness that we are striving to REgain is frustrating...we are living on faith and hope and so much trust and it's difficult to do when we're both trying to be immersed in our immediate environments. to top it off, my theatre school experience seems to be putting artistic blinders on me, so that the immersion it requires means i'm also actively shutting out other ideas, which puts patty in a really awkward spot. if i think about the reasons i'm at ryerson right now, i keep coming back to the fact that i'm with patty...so it doesn't seem to make sense that i'm not really 'showing up' in either of these most-important parts of life. i'm not sure if this will make sense to everyone who reads this...but really i'm just trying to organize thoughts here.
this doesn't mean that i don't want to be an actor. on the contrary, i've never wanted to act more in my life...i'm just taking into consideration that there are so many other things i want to do, including living with my love to the fullest of it's potential. i can't volunteer or get involved in the way i want to while at school...at least in this program...i can't work to make money to make travelling easier, i can't satisfy my restless soul. in my faculty interview they told me that this experience was about 'bathing in exploration'...which to me is all well and good when you're working on a production, but when it's just for the sake of exploration, day in and day out, it's selfish.
options are difficult. i could move to new york, which would mean getting a green-card in order to work, which is a tough process, or studying down there (another type of green card that doesn't allow me to work) which costs way too much for me. i could go travelling with patty, which requires her taking a semester off or something. if i'm in new york with her, i'd be living under a roof that her parents are funding, which causes awkwardness. i could stay in toronto and transfer schools, which i don't know if i can even do at this point in my program. i could take a year off and return to ryerson. i could change my major and try to do an exchange or something. i could drop out and get a job in toronto, and just go for extended visits to new york. i could stay in banff for awhile and figure shit out. i could go travelling without patty. i could stay at ryerson theatre school and suck it up and keep doing what i'm doing.
so...
that leaves...3 options that satisfy the first need of being with patty.
i have reached a slight catch-22. sort of.
that's okay, because who am i to dare to disturb the universe? or something. i've vowed to no longer coast. i've vowed to let my hair grow long and enjoy life again. i've vowed a lot of things. i'm such a vower lately.
so if you have any thoughts or suggestions, lemme know. i know that things will work out, and that i'm a lucky motherfucker who will be happy wherever i end up. i know these things. i have beautiful people in my life who care about me very much, i have art and music and mountains and snow and love and a sound body and a reliably insane countenance. as mom says, the waters are muddy right now. but i'm wadin' in them and there's no point in looking to the horizon to see why my feet are stuck in the sand beneath. you dig?
i should sleep, knowing me that's really key. i'll update with other happy things later.
i love you. and you, and you, and you. and...well...i like you a lot, but love's a strong word.
goodnight lovelies.