(no subject)
lately i have this creeping feeling that i do not have the full right to be happy. like, when i am, a big part of my head tells me i am a fool for even smiling, because in about three hours it'll count for shit. something tells me that people are just being sympathetic and going along with the fact that i opened my mouth, waiting for me to shut it. what business do i have being happy? i write the sad songs. i guess sometimes i want to pretend i'm like you guys. i'm one of you. yeah... right.
i did have a nice time tonight, and hope to have a few more this summer. everywhere i went, i was pretty famous. people took pictures of me at the resturaunt and then when the waitress brought my dinner she totally stuttered on it. later, i gave a huge X to a girl in a car and she gave me a big smile. that was quite funny.
maybe things will stop feeling like such a joke to me and maybe i won't be so high strung about it all. when i want something, i want it and i guess that's something i don't show everyone all of the time. all you get to see is my frustration because i'm just not ready to tell everyone everything in my head. i'm being as honest and straightfoward as i can, but it's really hard. i want to be happy and i want to make shit happen, but i see myself the same way i have for a long, long time.
boring and without future.
i did have a nice time tonight, and hope to have a few more this summer. everywhere i went, i was pretty famous. people took pictures of me at the resturaunt and then when the waitress brought my dinner she totally stuttered on it. later, i gave a huge X to a girl in a car and she gave me a big smile. that was quite funny.
maybe things will stop feeling like such a joke to me and maybe i won't be so high strung about it all. when i want something, i want it and i guess that's something i don't show everyone all of the time. all you get to see is my frustration because i'm just not ready to tell everyone everything in my head. i'm being as honest and straightfoward as i can, but it's really hard. i want to be happy and i want to make shit happen, but i see myself the same way i have for a long, long time.
boring and without future.