(no subject)
three years ago, i fell in love with the following quote from 1990's kevin costner, civil-war-era-frontier-epic, dances with wolves:
"i do not know the outcome or wisdom of this thinking, but i have become a target, and a target makes a poor impression. i am through waiting."
it's been a family favorite for as long as i can remember: my grandfather is a cowboy at heart and even owns a ranch in central kansas. we went there most when we were young, which happened to be just as dances was released. this line was written in john dunbar's journal when he realizes that he needs to visit the native americans before they get too comfortable visiting him.
something about that line really spoke to me a few years ago, and still does. i remember that summer so fondly now--i feel like i was reborn during that time. i really got ahold of myself physically, cut my hair, saw my brothers get married, held a job, thought more deeply, and swore off being silly about boys. every summer (or season of life) since has been trying to live up to that summer's standards and goodness. i was done waiting for things to happen to me, i was done basing my sense of self on someone outside of me (except, hopefully, maybe, God). i was through waiting.
and now i feel like i'm back again. waiting. waiting for something to happen, waiting for a job, waiting for myself, waiting for emails from a guy who can't figure out if he really wants to be with someone (but if he did, i know it would be me). waiting for some future to plop itself down in front of me like a piece of ikea furniture.
as a result, i'm not seeing anything with the eyes i once saw them with. while i never claimed to be deep, i do recall being more serious about serving God and others. i do recall being frustrated with myself and the way things were, i do recall the conscious effort of bending my actions to fit better with what i was thinking. i remember what that was like and i miss it.
something i learned when i was in alma's art classes (and has become more true since) is that i overthink a lot before i start. i want to know my destination and craft the plan around that. my parents think this way too, which makes it difficult when we start talking about "the future" and "the plans." they ask, "so what do you want to do?" and i say, "i don't know" and they say, "well what do you know?" and i say "i'm not sure." and this whole cycle of not knowing turns into alma's art projects: i want to see the end so i can craft the present most efficiently. but i can't do that right now... all i can see is the handful of tools in front of me (that look more like ikea's grab bag than a complete piece) and vague notions about the future.
slowly going broke while feeling like you're always wasting time (regardless of which direction you turn) is immensely frustrating. immensely. mind bogglingly. gnuuh. i miss feeling driven. i miss feeling led.
i hate the waiting.
"i do not know the outcome or wisdom of this thinking, but i have become a target, and a target makes a poor impression. i am through waiting."
it's been a family favorite for as long as i can remember: my grandfather is a cowboy at heart and even owns a ranch in central kansas. we went there most when we were young, which happened to be just as dances was released. this line was written in john dunbar's journal when he realizes that he needs to visit the native americans before they get too comfortable visiting him.
something about that line really spoke to me a few years ago, and still does. i remember that summer so fondly now--i feel like i was reborn during that time. i really got ahold of myself physically, cut my hair, saw my brothers get married, held a job, thought more deeply, and swore off being silly about boys. every summer (or season of life) since has been trying to live up to that summer's standards and goodness. i was done waiting for things to happen to me, i was done basing my sense of self on someone outside of me (except, hopefully, maybe, God). i was through waiting.
and now i feel like i'm back again. waiting. waiting for something to happen, waiting for a job, waiting for myself, waiting for emails from a guy who can't figure out if he really wants to be with someone (but if he did, i know it would be me). waiting for some future to plop itself down in front of me like a piece of ikea furniture.
as a result, i'm not seeing anything with the eyes i once saw them with. while i never claimed to be deep, i do recall being more serious about serving God and others. i do recall being frustrated with myself and the way things were, i do recall the conscious effort of bending my actions to fit better with what i was thinking. i remember what that was like and i miss it.
something i learned when i was in alma's art classes (and has become more true since) is that i overthink a lot before i start. i want to know my destination and craft the plan around that. my parents think this way too, which makes it difficult when we start talking about "the future" and "the plans." they ask, "so what do you want to do?" and i say, "i don't know" and they say, "well what do you know?" and i say "i'm not sure." and this whole cycle of not knowing turns into alma's art projects: i want to see the end so i can craft the present most efficiently. but i can't do that right now... all i can see is the handful of tools in front of me (that look more like ikea's grab bag than a complete piece) and vague notions about the future.
slowly going broke while feeling like you're always wasting time (regardless of which direction you turn) is immensely frustrating. immensely. mind bogglingly. gnuuh. i miss feeling driven. i miss feeling led.
i hate the waiting.