2008 wrap-up
in 2008, i made eight posts. ouch, livejournal. i didn't know i was showing so little love.
i desperately want to say something of substance. instead, i'll just write.
i've discovered that i often will make declarative value statements in conversation (ie. "that's good/great" "that's (too) bad" "it could be worse" "that makes (or doesn't) sense"), and it's driving me nuts. i say them at moments when i feel i have nothing else to say and the space needs to be filled. it's right after the moment when someone turns to me and confides some fact about his/her life and may or may not be looking for sympathy; i simply parrot his emotions back to him. i catch my eyes glazing over occasionally while someone is talking to me, thinking about something completely different and unimportant, and listen for tone of voice and body gestures to tell me how to best respond.
i'm not saying i'm a vegetable. at least, not yet. and i don't really mean to be that melodramatic about the whole thing, because it's not like that. i'm still here the vast majority of the time. all i mean to say is that i feel as though i'm losing some depth, some insight, some little fire in me that made me me before. now i cling to the quirkiness like an echo-- i recall what it's like to be like me but have forgotten why i'm like that. i say the same things to people who ask the same questions and i've even started calling the script a "schpiel," hoping to get it all out of the way first and then on to meatier topics. that only happens sometimes .
i guess you could say i'm suffering the death of my mind. i'm not saying i'm losing it, i've been losing my mind for years and no real harm has befallen me. but that spark, that kick, that insight, is fading from me somehow. i hardly know what its name is, much less how to get it back or try to retain it. i might go on a screen-fast (staying away from computers and televisions as much as possible) and hopefully stick my nose into some worthy books and start writing with pens and papers again... i don't know if i have the fortitude or followthrough for it.
i wrote this in january, 2008:
what will 2008 bring? i have no great plans of going to other continents (except perhaps perhaps back to london to visit a friend studying abroad), but great hopes of learning about how to be an adult Christian female American friend girlfriend student. in 2008, i vote in a presidential election. in 2008, i graduate. in 2008, i turn 21. by the end of this year, i'll be facing completely new giants with nothing much to my name but the things i know and the armor of God.
i never visited mary kate in london, but i did try to see if it would work. i voted for obama (a fact i have not spoken to my family, but they undoubtedly know and disapprove of). i did graduate, and am pleased with myself that i don't have another paper to write. i did turn 21, and drank no alcohol on my birthday, although it was offered me by my grandmotherly dinner date and i walked through a convenience store on my way home to see if there was anything i wanted. i even tried to order a drink at a restaurant once i was off covenant, but they denied my id. this is the beginning of a new year, and i am facing new giants that seem familiar but smell different.
i've discovered that owning a planner (which i, at this moment do not) is probably what will separate college from graduate life, and somehow take me step closer to adulthood. i'm probably the same Christian i was a year ago, living in the dusk of God's light and longing for some kind of shake (careful when i say that, i know). i can't comment on being female and American, as they seem as common as air. i think and hope i've become a better friend, but as everyone who reads this knows, i stopped being a girlfriend sometime between february and march last year. this brings the tally of consecutive years with boy drama up to seven (starting and counting 2002), a number i would not have believed eight years ago. by the by, the boy who started that lovely little streak was severely told off via facebook messages in the fall. it's time for that to be over.
this year. what will become of me? i'm in wheaton through the spring and maybe summer. someone i know might be getting married in the fall, so there's that n'such, and for all i know i could be anywhere after that. i my plans are unclear, and i'm becoming okay with that.
i desperately want to say something of substance. instead, i'll just write.
i've discovered that i often will make declarative value statements in conversation (ie. "that's good/great" "that's (too) bad" "it could be worse" "that makes (or doesn't) sense"), and it's driving me nuts. i say them at moments when i feel i have nothing else to say and the space needs to be filled. it's right after the moment when someone turns to me and confides some fact about his/her life and may or may not be looking for sympathy; i simply parrot his emotions back to him. i catch my eyes glazing over occasionally while someone is talking to me, thinking about something completely different and unimportant, and listen for tone of voice and body gestures to tell me how to best respond.
i'm not saying i'm a vegetable. at least, not yet. and i don't really mean to be that melodramatic about the whole thing, because it's not like that. i'm still here the vast majority of the time. all i mean to say is that i feel as though i'm losing some depth, some insight, some little fire in me that made me me before. now i cling to the quirkiness like an echo-- i recall what it's like to be like me but have forgotten why i'm like that. i say the same things to people who ask the same questions and i've even started calling the script a "schpiel," hoping to get it all out of the way first and then on to meatier topics. that only happens sometimes .
i guess you could say i'm suffering the death of my mind. i'm not saying i'm losing it, i've been losing my mind for years and no real harm has befallen me. but that spark, that kick, that insight, is fading from me somehow. i hardly know what its name is, much less how to get it back or try to retain it. i might go on a screen-fast (staying away from computers and televisions as much as possible) and hopefully stick my nose into some worthy books and start writing with pens and papers again... i don't know if i have the fortitude or followthrough for it.
i wrote this in january, 2008:
what will 2008 bring? i have no great plans of going to other continents (except perhaps perhaps back to london to visit a friend studying abroad), but great hopes of learning about how to be an adult Christian female American friend girlfriend student. in 2008, i vote in a presidential election. in 2008, i graduate. in 2008, i turn 21. by the end of this year, i'll be facing completely new giants with nothing much to my name but the things i know and the armor of God.
i never visited mary kate in london, but i did try to see if it would work. i voted for obama (a fact i have not spoken to my family, but they undoubtedly know and disapprove of). i did graduate, and am pleased with myself that i don't have another paper to write. i did turn 21, and drank no alcohol on my birthday, although it was offered me by my grandmotherly dinner date and i walked through a convenience store on my way home to see if there was anything i wanted. i even tried to order a drink at a restaurant once i was off covenant, but they denied my id. this is the beginning of a new year, and i am facing new giants that seem familiar but smell different.
i've discovered that owning a planner (which i, at this moment do not) is probably what will separate college from graduate life, and somehow take me step closer to adulthood. i'm probably the same Christian i was a year ago, living in the dusk of God's light and longing for some kind of shake (careful when i say that, i know). i can't comment on being female and American, as they seem as common as air. i think and hope i've become a better friend, but as everyone who reads this knows, i stopped being a girlfriend sometime between february and march last year. this brings the tally of consecutive years with boy drama up to seven (starting and counting 2002), a number i would not have believed eight years ago. by the by, the boy who started that lovely little streak was severely told off via facebook messages in the fall. it's time for that to be over.
this year. what will become of me? i'm in wheaton through the spring and maybe summer. someone i know might be getting married in the fall, so there's that n'such, and for all i know i could be anywhere after that. i my plans are unclear, and i'm becoming okay with that.