(no subject)
well, I guess its time for me to finally make another post.
Lately I've been just posting random surveys and things, because honestly I dont know what to say about anything thats going on in my life. Life can be crazy sometimes, and my life seems to be crazy all of the time. It is funny to hear about peoples lives from their perspectives as you watch it from yours and see something completely different.... I guess I could start from a few weeks back. When once again, I started to feel that scary confusion, that makes me want to vommit, hyperventilate,and shoot myself in the head, all at once.
I was hanging out with my best friend Nina and her ex boyfriend Robert, who I think is kind of cute and I could so easily develop a major crush on in five seconds if I would allow myself, but I'm tired of hurting others and inevitably myself by influencing the lives of guys that arent on the same page as me from day one. Anyway, we went bowling that night. I suck at bowling, and every time I go, I think of my ex, and how he was just naturally way better than everyone else at it. Though, I think about him every day at least once or twice.... not just when I go bowling. anyway, my wrist really started to hurt after a while, and I told them I was done bowling, and was ready to go, so we drove around aimlessly for a really long time and finally ended up at coffee talk, which is sort of a place of refuge for me. It has always been a place i felt safe, and oddly at home. ecclectic, and cluttered, I feel comfortable amidst the turmoil. Anyway, so we drive up, and I step out of the truck, take two steps, and there, standing right in front of me, is my ex boyfriend Joel. audibly I immediately said, "Oh, my gosh" and before I even knew what had happened, I bolted. I race to the front door of coffee talk and its closed. by this point I am seriously hyperventilating.... I can hardly breathe and I dont know what to do... I dont know why I thought it would be possible to never cross his path, but I had made numerous efforts to keep it from happening. so i go and sit down at a table outside, and up walks my friend Jeremy and his new gf. they are like two peas in a pod... i have a cute pic of them by the way. id post it, but i still havent figured out how to put pictures on this blasted thing, except for my lj icons... yeas so maybe im not as computer savvy as I may seem... hahaha. anyway... so the funny part of seeing jeremy come walking towards me is that even though he was right where joel was, I hadnt seen anyone but joel... It might as well have been he and I the only ones inhabiting the earth for that moment... and the look in his eye was one i recognized. he looked just the same as I remembered him the last time I saw him, he was even wearing a communist shirt... which was just further evidence to me that he definitely has not tried to move on in his life. anyway, as we went to leave, my friend Robert held my hand as we walked to the car. He offered to pretend like he was my boyfriend so that Joel wouldnt try to come talk to me. I really just needed him to hold my hand so I didnt lose my composure. I didnt stop and have some fake superficial conversation with joel. I didnt say "hi" or wave or wink, or be some cogenial person. I just walked to the truck and got in. Then Joel comes and stands right in front of the truck, almost trying to force me to look at him, but what good was that going to do? what was that going to help? I am not the same as I used to be, and things are not going to go back to the way they were. even if I miss his touch, or sometimes have racy flashbacks, or miss the little things we used to do together. In the next life, we will be friends, and we will be rewarded, for living good, separate and independant lives, full of virtue, responsibility, and honor.
No, i was not forced to remove Joel from my life. I made that decision on my own. I could have moved out; I could have continued to see him behind their backs, but, really, because of our history together, as much as I tried to pretend it wasnt an issue, the fact that we had been so close, made it to where I got to the point where I didnt really want to be with him anymore, solely because I couldnt BE with him anymore. And honestly, If we hadnt stopped seeing each other, I probably would have tried to be with him again, and again... only leading him to sin, and ruin his clean slate. The only way I really make it through, is that I know that he is okay. I know that his life will be good without me, and most importantly I know he will keep his promise to stay in the church even though we didnt end up together. Because, as long as he stays firm in the church, God WILL bless him and keep him. I read, to know he's okay, and that is enough for me.
However, hearing about what is going on in his life as of late is not as reassuring as it was a month or so ago. Really, if he knows whats best for him he'll stay the hell away from shamady. and its pretty sad, that i had to hear about her losing her virginity from my ex boyfriends livejournal. And i cannot believe that she did it. actually, sadly i can believe it, but it makes me sick, because it wasnt love. at least i can say that my first time was with someone I truly loved. someone who would have spent the rest of his days, and his entire eternity with me had he the chance. someone who didnt force me into it, or do it with me, just cause he could. Someone who was always extremely sensitive to my wants, needs, desires, likes, dislikes, opinions, pet peeves; he knew everything about me, from my hate of water chestnuts, to my favorite places to eat dinner, and what i would order there. the one thing i want most for him now, is closure. If i knew what he needed, in order to move on with his life and let me go, I would probably do it. his happiness means more to me than i think he realizes.
anyway, last sunday I ran into my friend Bingham, and i was so happy to hear that shes been sober for six months. the next thing she told me though was that she had met joel; i was like gosh, everyone I know is meeting joel these days. but the first thing that came out of my mouth was, " good. be his friend. he needs good friends, who are members, who will keep him strong and firm in the gospel. " thats what I told her. She went on to talk about how he was so smart and knowledgeable about so many different things. I hope she didnt want me to be surprised, because I think I know him better than most people do. She said she'd been to his house, and that she had met his family and that they were nice. I mentioned his uncle and how cool he is, and she said she hadnt met him yet, so then i was like oh, she must mean his aunt... and i was like, "i dont think his aunt ever really liked me that much." and she asked why, and i responded that I didnt know... but it could have been anything really. I hope his uncle is doing okay... i really miss seeing him, and watching golden girls, and hearing the stories about how he used to beat everybody up :).
I was talking to my friend Kelsi the other day, and I was talking about how I think that I have done what I can to try to move on, but how can I say I'm over him, when I'm reading his livejournal all the time? And she said, that that doesnt mean that I'm not moving on... it just means that I still care. Thats right, and its definitely the way I am. When I love someone, I love them forever. I cant help it, its something I can never let go of, and a neverending feeling I carry with me from then on. And its natural for me to care and want to know how he is doing, but its even better that I care enough for his salvation and mine, that I keep us apart.
on a completely different note, my job is going okay. not all the people there are very friendly to me though... I kind of feel like they exclude me from their circle... I dont understand why though. I dont think ive given them any good reasons to dislike me... im agreeable, and I think I'm a fairly likeable person. but everybody else seems to hang out outside of work, but they dont invite me. They already have a Molly Shumway to be a part of their plans and the center of their social network. Oh well i guess.I should just stop feeling sorry for myself. things could definitely be worse i suppose.
I guess ill be going to bed now... since i work at 8... good night. and good morning.