(no subject)
I know it's been a while since my last post and a shit ton of noteworthy events have unfolding in the interim: realization that I wouldn't miss really anybody in my med school class (but almost cried at my last rugby practice), I graduated from medical school, moved to a new city, visited my dad (the trip there was a drama-filled 15 hours with my dumb ass brother), started residency, made new friends, etc.
So what exciting new development made me exert the effort to make this post during my 3rd week of exhausting house staff in which I've only just recently started actually getting out of the hospital before 7pm (and getting there at 6:30 makes this a painful thing to endure for a couple of weeks)? I have a goddamn crush on the senior resident.
I KNEW this was going to happen. He came on to our service last week and I didn't really like him at the time, but I knew, even then, that I was going to develop a crush on him. It was only a matter of time. Then, something clicked. I have no idea what, but it did and I'm super annoyed. Because this happens every goddamn time. It's stupid. And, holy shit, I'm so stupid at my job. Taking 4th year off was the worst mistake I think I've ever made. Things I used to know well are completely forgotten and I'm often made a fool of by the med students.
So yeah. It's been over a year since I had a serious crush on someone and I though I was over ridiculous things like that, but clearly not. And tomorrow's my last day with him because we're getting the bitchiest person I've ever had the displeasure of meeting back. Ugh.
Anyway, I thought this was a normal one-sided crush and god knows I've had more than enough practice managing those. But today....and this is weird, but we're sitting at the table waiting for checkout and he's sitting next to me and he stretches his (very long) legs out diagonally kind of in front of me. I didn't think much of it because there was someone directly in front of him, so he would have kicked them. Then...he starts intermittently tapping my foot with his? I think I looked at him, but he didn't even react so...I'm not sure if he knew he was more or less playing footsie with me? I was way too terrified to nudge back because how embarrassing would it have been if he thought my feet were the table leg only to find that the ugly, awkward, spastic, stupid as hell intern was flirting with him? I've had my fill of people being repulsed by the idea of me having a crush on them, so I didn't want to risk that but still. Was it intentional? Was it just playful? Am I looking too much into it?
Because he's really hard to read. I can't tell what he thinks of me and his reactions vary greatly over the course of the day. So I'm finding it difficult to objectively think that he was, in essence, flirting with me. Or that he would ever like me. And I'm not sure I want to risk being rebuffed by trying find this out. Because every time in the past that this has happened and I DIDN'T act on it, I was MASSIVELY relieved a few weeks later after the crush had faded because once my objectivity returned, I was able to see just how TERRIBLE of an idea such actions would have been.
But, ugh, I admire the hell out of how intelligent he is and how compassionate he is with patients. And I've made him laugh several times. But the running joke I had with my fellow intern is that I feel like every time I have a question for him, it leads to him taking his glasses off and rubbing the bridge of his nose like he has a headache.
I know he dated one of his classmates and that she cheated on him (that class is SO full of drama, it's pretty funny and I now see why I'm the only single female chosen for the new intern class: the staff is probably tired of inter-class relationships), but there's essentially a power difference in that he's my senior resident, so that may not be professional?
But, dammit. Crushes are annoying.
So what exciting new development made me exert the effort to make this post during my 3rd week of exhausting house staff in which I've only just recently started actually getting out of the hospital before 7pm (and getting there at 6:30 makes this a painful thing to endure for a couple of weeks)? I have a goddamn crush on the senior resident.
I KNEW this was going to happen. He came on to our service last week and I didn't really like him at the time, but I knew, even then, that I was going to develop a crush on him. It was only a matter of time. Then, something clicked. I have no idea what, but it did and I'm super annoyed. Because this happens every goddamn time. It's stupid. And, holy shit, I'm so stupid at my job. Taking 4th year off was the worst mistake I think I've ever made. Things I used to know well are completely forgotten and I'm often made a fool of by the med students.
So yeah. It's been over a year since I had a serious crush on someone and I though I was over ridiculous things like that, but clearly not. And tomorrow's my last day with him because we're getting the bitchiest person I've ever had the displeasure of meeting back. Ugh.
Anyway, I thought this was a normal one-sided crush and god knows I've had more than enough practice managing those. But today....and this is weird, but we're sitting at the table waiting for checkout and he's sitting next to me and he stretches his (very long) legs out diagonally kind of in front of me. I didn't think much of it because there was someone directly in front of him, so he would have kicked them. Then...he starts intermittently tapping my foot with his? I think I looked at him, but he didn't even react so...I'm not sure if he knew he was more or less playing footsie with me? I was way too terrified to nudge back because how embarrassing would it have been if he thought my feet were the table leg only to find that the ugly, awkward, spastic, stupid as hell intern was flirting with him? I've had my fill of people being repulsed by the idea of me having a crush on them, so I didn't want to risk that but still. Was it intentional? Was it just playful? Am I looking too much into it?
Because he's really hard to read. I can't tell what he thinks of me and his reactions vary greatly over the course of the day. So I'm finding it difficult to objectively think that he was, in essence, flirting with me. Or that he would ever like me. And I'm not sure I want to risk being rebuffed by trying find this out. Because every time in the past that this has happened and I DIDN'T act on it, I was MASSIVELY relieved a few weeks later after the crush had faded because once my objectivity returned, I was able to see just how TERRIBLE of an idea such actions would have been.
But, ugh, I admire the hell out of how intelligent he is and how compassionate he is with patients. And I've made him laugh several times. But the running joke I had with my fellow intern is that I feel like every time I have a question for him, it leads to him taking his glasses off and rubbing the bridge of his nose like he has a headache.
I know he dated one of his classmates and that she cheated on him (that class is SO full of drama, it's pretty funny and I now see why I'm the only single female chosen for the new intern class: the staff is probably tired of inter-class relationships), but there's essentially a power difference in that he's my senior resident, so that may not be professional?
But, dammit. Crushes are annoying.