(no subject)
Last day of the year. My energy level has taken a massive nose dive since about 2 days ago, and it's affecting my mood. I know it's my iron again. I had a blood test 4 weeks ago and it was already low. If you've ever been anemic, it really feels exactly like the definition:
lacking vitality, vigor or energy. All I want to do is succumb to the fog in my head, lie down and sleep.
I am fighting it big time today, not to be positive, but to just stay out of negativity. Just stay relatively neutral. Everyone is making my angry & frustrated, and every few minutes I have to just BREATHE. All I need to do is get through the next few hours here at work.
No should haves, I can't do that anymore. No "need to", only "I will". All I can address is right now, present and near future. Here is what I am going to do to take care of myself:
I have an appointment for an infusion next Tuesday. Usually how it goes is I feel nauseated and achy for a day or two and then BAM, I feel better.
Meanwhile, the long weekend is here and I know my old pattern. I will acknowledge it with compassion and find out why and how it starts.
The pattern: Start a pity party around 5:05pm, get home & nap until 7pm, make the kids dinner, let the voice in my head rail on about what a loser I am to be spending the weekend alone, wallow in loneliness, refuse to eat out of crushing depression, then around 10pm get so hungry I eat myself sick, then feel guilty and vomit, then take pills and cry myself to sleep. Next day sleep in and be rendered horizontally immobile by crushing depression and the mantra "what's the point", then on Sunday panic about undone chores and work until I can't move anymore.
I don't want to do that again. I don't want to be in that place of desperation anymore. I don't want to stay cloistered inside my own head.
An old friend from choir has invited me to her house for a New Year's Eve gathering. I think it's important I go. I think it's a sign, that I am supposed to be there, that she invited me for a reason. I haven't seen her in over a year, this is out of the blue. I will go.
I will stay actively outside myself. I will take care of myself. You know I recently went to visit my dear friend Julianne, and I felt fantastic every day. I ate balanced, healthy meals. I slept so well.
I will treat myself better in this new decade.
lacking vitality, vigor or energy. All I want to do is succumb to the fog in my head, lie down and sleep.
I am fighting it big time today, not to be positive, but to just stay out of negativity. Just stay relatively neutral. Everyone is making my angry & frustrated, and every few minutes I have to just BREATHE. All I need to do is get through the next few hours here at work.
No should haves, I can't do that anymore. No "need to", only "I will". All I can address is right now, present and near future. Here is what I am going to do to take care of myself:
I have an appointment for an infusion next Tuesday. Usually how it goes is I feel nauseated and achy for a day or two and then BAM, I feel better.
Meanwhile, the long weekend is here and I know my old pattern. I will acknowledge it with compassion and find out why and how it starts.
The pattern: Start a pity party around 5:05pm, get home & nap until 7pm, make the kids dinner, let the voice in my head rail on about what a loser I am to be spending the weekend alone, wallow in loneliness, refuse to eat out of crushing depression, then around 10pm get so hungry I eat myself sick, then feel guilty and vomit, then take pills and cry myself to sleep. Next day sleep in and be rendered horizontally immobile by crushing depression and the mantra "what's the point", then on Sunday panic about undone chores and work until I can't move anymore.
I don't want to do that again. I don't want to be in that place of desperation anymore. I don't want to stay cloistered inside my own head.
An old friend from choir has invited me to her house for a New Year's Eve gathering. I think it's important I go. I think it's a sign, that I am supposed to be there, that she invited me for a reason. I haven't seen her in over a year, this is out of the blue. I will go.
I will stay actively outside myself. I will take care of myself. You know I recently went to visit my dear friend Julianne, and I felt fantastic every day. I ate balanced, healthy meals. I slept so well.
I will treat myself better in this new decade.