long time....
{{{{{what i thought was going to be the best timing ever, is turning into a nightmare. Andrews date for arriving home has been set at June 21st for a long time. Until these past couple days and weeks... Now hes}}}}]
the previous was restored from the last time i attempted to update this old thing. and all the time that has passed since then has done wonders for my attitude, happiness, and life in general.
i can't begin to update on what has changed in about the last year, so bear with me.
1. since this whole thingy started out with andrew, i'll elaborate on my relationship, first. sometimes i forget about the deployment. that is, until andrew's drill weekend each month comes up, or he gets an update about some of the guys he was deployed with, or when i hear and see anything related to the military. though i was going through it this time last year, it feels like it was a different lifetime- and i'm thankful for that. i don't miss deployment at all. i dont miss the feeling of just waiting for a phone call, or a letter in the mail, or any sign at all to hear that all is well in afghanistan. i dont miss going to bed wondering what the next day will bring and wondering how i'll handle it. i dont miss the heartache and pain of wondering if today will be the day my life might change. and i dont miss the long wait for his arrival home. it used to feel surreal- walking through rw, thinking how no one there knew what i was going through, and no one there understood that my mind, my heart and my cares were half a world away. i didnt want anyone there to know what was going on. i wore my "proud army girlfriend" sweatshirt nearly every day, and that was enough. and then there were the days i'd walk into work with worry all over my face- only to break down in tears to my manager after buckling under the emotional stress. its no wonder that i ended up on anxiety meds after all of this. looking back, its obvious that my emotions were a thin wire ready to snap at any moment. thinking about that feeling is enough to get me shaky, right now. i've always considered myself a strong-minded person, and any bit of that that i could hold onto was the only thing that kept me treading water. and the days that i lost it were exhausting. the feeling of making care packages was a happy and hollow feeling all at the same time. it felt so good to be compiling a box of all the things that would help him and get him through another couple of weeks. but if i caught myself in a certain mood- i was reminded of how far away he was, without all the comforts of home. sending a package off to him was the closest i could get to wrapping my arms around him, and telling him i was waiting for him. i always thought that after he'd get home, i'd still continue to send care packages. but emotionally- i can't afford to. i need to let that part of my life stay in the past, as long as i'm allowed to. deployment was a time in my life where everything i knew about life, the world, and about myself was questioned and strongly challenged. it is part of who i am now, but its something that also is looming over me. until february of 2012, we could face it again. because of this, i dont spend too much time thinking about when he was gone- its not out of the question when we look to the future, so we only worry about what we have, today.
now that andrew's home, and we've survived the deployment, any argument we get into is like a reminder that we can be a normal couple now. its hard sometimes, like normal relationships are, but we are able to have that time together that every relationship needs to survive. a week after he got home, he cheated on me. and i had a really hard time getting over the bitterness of it. i couldnt understand how i'd just waited an entire year for him to come home without even a thought of another guy, and a week after getting on US soil, he nearly ruins it. for a couple of weeks, things were questionable. i'd always thought that if i'd ever get cheated on, that'd be the end of the relationship. but i knew that if i could survive that year and still wanted to be with him after all that time, thered be a part of me that would never be able to let him go. i told him i was going to back off for a while, after he told me the truth about it all. i left it up to him to figure out what the relationship was worth to him. almost immediately, i said i still wanted to make it work- but after spending a year waiting, only to have that happen- it was up to him to repair any damage. now, about 10 months later, we're strong. i still have weak times where i doubt his motives and i doubt my trust for him. and his response to this is understanding and patience. i've become oversensitive to how he talks to other girls, and for a while i began to separate myself emotionally from him- but he recognized that his actions caused it, and that he'd have to bear through it with me.
on another level, he's becoming a part of my family, and i, a part of his. we've spent tons of time around each others friends and family and we're confident we fit together well. we have similar quirks and enough differences in beliefs to have an almost perfect balance. when i want to be stubborn, he wants to work things out. and when he wants to stand his ground, i'm willing to consider his side of things. we're learning that more than just a relationship, we have a friendship as well. so now, after about two years of long distance, he's moving here. he's leaving the one place he's been able to call home, he's leaving the best friends he'll ever have- and he's moving here. next weekend. and its hard to know what to expect. its hard to know how to prepare. theres stories all over of long distance relationships finally moving, to be together, only to end up failing. but oddly, i'm 100% sure this is not how it will be for us. i know that this is only the next step in our relationship. and for someone who's never been in a serious relationship, this is daunting. but it is also enthralling. the one thing we've both talked about and considered a long time away is finally happening. finally.
2. my education is right where it should've been all along. i'm three months into my cosmetology education and as far as i'm concerned, i've found my home. just like deployment, my time on college campuses seems like a whole other life. i'm constantly forgetting that i'm a college graduate- that i've studied business and mortuary science, and that i made the jump to try something new. i have found my passion in life, and i've found the one thing i'm certain i want to do for the rest of my life. i remember being on main campus and loving life, thinking that i only wanted to be there. but now i know i never wouldve found my calling while at a university. i dont regret the time i spent there, but i do regret the money i spent there. i no longer question whether i'll be happy in life- because i've found what i love to do. this is not to say that everything has gone smoothly. i'm getting the best grades i've ever gotten, but for someone who considers themselves a very confident person, this has been a challenge. in the classroom, i've caught on quickly- as if everything i'm learning is second nature. then i get out on the salon floor; working with real clients is one of those things that will only feel right after time. you can study all night long, but when your first client walks in the door- everything you know disappears. after about a month on the floor, i'm gaining confidence back, VERY slowly. please believe me when i say doing hair is not nearly as easy as it looks. one wrong snip and someone could be in tears. there is thought behind every move you make. and i know some day, it really WILL be second nature, but for now, i'm checking over everything i'm going to do two or three times before i actually do it. with anything else, i wouldve been defeated by now. but with cosmetology- i love stepping up to the challenge, and i love proving to myself that i'm capable of doing this.
abrupt stop to this entry because i've lost my focus.
the previous was restored from the last time i attempted to update this old thing. and all the time that has passed since then has done wonders for my attitude, happiness, and life in general.
i can't begin to update on what has changed in about the last year, so bear with me.
1. since this whole thingy started out with andrew, i'll elaborate on my relationship, first. sometimes i forget about the deployment. that is, until andrew's drill weekend each month comes up, or he gets an update about some of the guys he was deployed with, or when i hear and see anything related to the military. though i was going through it this time last year, it feels like it was a different lifetime- and i'm thankful for that. i don't miss deployment at all. i dont miss the feeling of just waiting for a phone call, or a letter in the mail, or any sign at all to hear that all is well in afghanistan. i dont miss going to bed wondering what the next day will bring and wondering how i'll handle it. i dont miss the heartache and pain of wondering if today will be the day my life might change. and i dont miss the long wait for his arrival home. it used to feel surreal- walking through rw, thinking how no one there knew what i was going through, and no one there understood that my mind, my heart and my cares were half a world away. i didnt want anyone there to know what was going on. i wore my "proud army girlfriend" sweatshirt nearly every day, and that was enough. and then there were the days i'd walk into work with worry all over my face- only to break down in tears to my manager after buckling under the emotional stress. its no wonder that i ended up on anxiety meds after all of this. looking back, its obvious that my emotions were a thin wire ready to snap at any moment. thinking about that feeling is enough to get me shaky, right now. i've always considered myself a strong-minded person, and any bit of that that i could hold onto was the only thing that kept me treading water. and the days that i lost it were exhausting. the feeling of making care packages was a happy and hollow feeling all at the same time. it felt so good to be compiling a box of all the things that would help him and get him through another couple of weeks. but if i caught myself in a certain mood- i was reminded of how far away he was, without all the comforts of home. sending a package off to him was the closest i could get to wrapping my arms around him, and telling him i was waiting for him. i always thought that after he'd get home, i'd still continue to send care packages. but emotionally- i can't afford to. i need to let that part of my life stay in the past, as long as i'm allowed to. deployment was a time in my life where everything i knew about life, the world, and about myself was questioned and strongly challenged. it is part of who i am now, but its something that also is looming over me. until february of 2012, we could face it again. because of this, i dont spend too much time thinking about when he was gone- its not out of the question when we look to the future, so we only worry about what we have, today.
now that andrew's home, and we've survived the deployment, any argument we get into is like a reminder that we can be a normal couple now. its hard sometimes, like normal relationships are, but we are able to have that time together that every relationship needs to survive. a week after he got home, he cheated on me. and i had a really hard time getting over the bitterness of it. i couldnt understand how i'd just waited an entire year for him to come home without even a thought of another guy, and a week after getting on US soil, he nearly ruins it. for a couple of weeks, things were questionable. i'd always thought that if i'd ever get cheated on, that'd be the end of the relationship. but i knew that if i could survive that year and still wanted to be with him after all that time, thered be a part of me that would never be able to let him go. i told him i was going to back off for a while, after he told me the truth about it all. i left it up to him to figure out what the relationship was worth to him. almost immediately, i said i still wanted to make it work- but after spending a year waiting, only to have that happen- it was up to him to repair any damage. now, about 10 months later, we're strong. i still have weak times where i doubt his motives and i doubt my trust for him. and his response to this is understanding and patience. i've become oversensitive to how he talks to other girls, and for a while i began to separate myself emotionally from him- but he recognized that his actions caused it, and that he'd have to bear through it with me.
on another level, he's becoming a part of my family, and i, a part of his. we've spent tons of time around each others friends and family and we're confident we fit together well. we have similar quirks and enough differences in beliefs to have an almost perfect balance. when i want to be stubborn, he wants to work things out. and when he wants to stand his ground, i'm willing to consider his side of things. we're learning that more than just a relationship, we have a friendship as well. so now, after about two years of long distance, he's moving here. he's leaving the one place he's been able to call home, he's leaving the best friends he'll ever have- and he's moving here. next weekend. and its hard to know what to expect. its hard to know how to prepare. theres stories all over of long distance relationships finally moving, to be together, only to end up failing. but oddly, i'm 100% sure this is not how it will be for us. i know that this is only the next step in our relationship. and for someone who's never been in a serious relationship, this is daunting. but it is also enthralling. the one thing we've both talked about and considered a long time away is finally happening. finally.
2. my education is right where it should've been all along. i'm three months into my cosmetology education and as far as i'm concerned, i've found my home. just like deployment, my time on college campuses seems like a whole other life. i'm constantly forgetting that i'm a college graduate- that i've studied business and mortuary science, and that i made the jump to try something new. i have found my passion in life, and i've found the one thing i'm certain i want to do for the rest of my life. i remember being on main campus and loving life, thinking that i only wanted to be there. but now i know i never wouldve found my calling while at a university. i dont regret the time i spent there, but i do regret the money i spent there. i no longer question whether i'll be happy in life- because i've found what i love to do. this is not to say that everything has gone smoothly. i'm getting the best grades i've ever gotten, but for someone who considers themselves a very confident person, this has been a challenge. in the classroom, i've caught on quickly- as if everything i'm learning is second nature. then i get out on the salon floor; working with real clients is one of those things that will only feel right after time. you can study all night long, but when your first client walks in the door- everything you know disappears. after about a month on the floor, i'm gaining confidence back, VERY slowly. please believe me when i say doing hair is not nearly as easy as it looks. one wrong snip and someone could be in tears. there is thought behind every move you make. and i know some day, it really WILL be second nature, but for now, i'm checking over everything i'm going to do two or three times before i actually do it. with anything else, i wouldve been defeated by now. but with cosmetology- i love stepping up to the challenge, and i love proving to myself that i'm capable of doing this.
abrupt stop to this entry because i've lost my focus.