(no subject)
Title: Technicolour Battlecry
Author:
molly_coddles
Format & Word Count: Bloated drabble, 300
Rating: PG
Warnings: Crack. Smells bad. Beware.
Summary: Hagrid’s performance in an AU Battle of Hogwarts gives heart-if not stomach-to our Order warriors.
Disclaimer: No disrespect intended to JKR or L. Frank Baum
Author's Notes: Now I realize it’s not proper Brit, because they say ‘sick up’ rather than ‘throw up,’ but American readers might still get a chuckle out of it. Or perhaps just an eye-roll. Thanks to
gijane7702 for making me grin and giving me this truly sick plot bunny.
Happy Belated Birthday,
kerrymdb! I hope you didn’t give Hagrid any competition at your birthday bash. ;)
Technicolour Battlecry
"Hagrid! Throw up a shield!"
"Erm, okay, yeah.... HURRGHhhhh, HURRGHHHhh, KAAAK!” and there was a splattering noise followed by a thump and some coughing.
Neville looked over and saw Hagrid wiping his mouth and hoisting a shield that looked like a giant hairball.
"Oh, er, sorry there, Miz LeStrange!” He clapped the dripping woman on the shoulder, sending her stumbling sideways into a wall. “Gotcha a bit mucky wi’ th’ splatter…"
Bella looked down at her robes in disgust before she gasped and screamed.
"I’M MELTING!!" she howled, sizzling down to a puddle of bubbling ooze in the corner.
Behind her, Dolohov and Remus paused their duel to watch in morbid fascination. Hagrid hawked again and coughed; sending a lump of dislodged sludge across the room to splat against Dolohov. The Death Eater shrieked and spun, apparently trying to Disapparate or tear off his robes, but only managing to twist himself neatly into a cocoon. One of Aragog’s youngsters would have an easy meal later.
“Merlin, Hagrid,” Tonks said as she approached from a dim corner, her lip curling at the smell in the demolished classroom. “We have to teach you 'Protego.'”
Remus joined her. “While unconventional, you must admit his method was certainly effective.”
Tonks grinned at Neville. “You’re a handy wizard to have around in a crisis.”
He grinned back. “Thanks. Do you and Professor Lupin want to help me get some Devil’s Snare and Mandrakes from the greenhouses? I thought we could drop them on Death Eaters from the windows.”
Remus smiled, a Marauderly glint in his eye. “And perhaps on the way we can drop a few Death Eaters in the lake for the giant squid and merpeople.”
Hagrid jumped to join them, producing a lumpy bag of rock cakes from a pocket. "An' when we're done wi' that, we can go up to the tower and toss our cookies!"
Author:
molly_coddles
Format & Word Count: Bloated drabble, 300
Rating: PG
Warnings: Crack. Smells bad. Beware.
Summary: Hagrid’s performance in an AU Battle of Hogwarts gives heart-if not stomach-to our Order warriors.
Disclaimer: No disrespect intended to JKR or L. Frank Baum
Author's Notes: Now I realize it’s not proper Brit, because they say ‘sick up’ rather than ‘throw up,’ but American readers might still get a chuckle out of it. Or perhaps just an eye-roll. Thanks to
gijane7702 for making me grin and giving me this truly sick plot bunny.
Happy Belated Birthday,
kerrymdb! I hope you didn’t give Hagrid any competition at your birthday bash. ;)
Technicolour Battlecry
"Hagrid! Throw up a shield!"
"Erm, okay, yeah.... HURRGHhhhh, HURRGHHHhh, KAAAK!” and there was a splattering noise followed by a thump and some coughing.
Neville looked over and saw Hagrid wiping his mouth and hoisting a shield that looked like a giant hairball.
"Oh, er, sorry there, Miz LeStrange!” He clapped the dripping woman on the shoulder, sending her stumbling sideways into a wall. “Gotcha a bit mucky wi’ th’ splatter…"
Bella looked down at her robes in disgust before she gasped and screamed.
"I’M MELTING!!" she howled, sizzling down to a puddle of bubbling ooze in the corner.
Behind her, Dolohov and Remus paused their duel to watch in morbid fascination. Hagrid hawked again and coughed; sending a lump of dislodged sludge across the room to splat against Dolohov. The Death Eater shrieked and spun, apparently trying to Disapparate or tear off his robes, but only managing to twist himself neatly into a cocoon. One of Aragog’s youngsters would have an easy meal later.
“Merlin, Hagrid,” Tonks said as she approached from a dim corner, her lip curling at the smell in the demolished classroom. “We have to teach you 'Protego.'”
Remus joined her. “While unconventional, you must admit his method was certainly effective.”
Tonks grinned at Neville. “You’re a handy wizard to have around in a crisis.”
He grinned back. “Thanks. Do you and Professor Lupin want to help me get some Devil’s Snare and Mandrakes from the greenhouses? I thought we could drop them on Death Eaters from the windows.”
Remus smiled, a Marauderly glint in his eye. “And perhaps on the way we can drop a few Death Eaters in the lake for the giant squid and merpeople.”
Hagrid jumped to join them, producing a lumpy bag of rock cakes from a pocket. "An' when we're done wi' that, we can go up to the tower and toss our cookies!"