an outline of my situation
1) i'm sick again
2) i went to cvs to get some medicine and some chap stick and i hit/was hit? whatever some kind of car to car interaction occurred and i'm probably going to have to pay for it.
3) i found out this kid Hong that i was friendly with in hs killed himself by jumping off the george washington bridge. i remember when i first realized he was disturbed. grace and i noticed that his arms were all slashed up during physics and it looked obviously self inflicted
4) we went to see a house that was amazing but probably too expensive. still it was so cute and perfect in every way. except $wise and also one of the rooms is sorta really dramatically smaller than the other two, meaning SOMEbody would have to be shit out of luck in that respect... but we'll see who that is later if at all
5) i miss my friends and i want to go back to ny
6) the dryer is broken because of the flood that happened a few weeks back and i have no clean clothes. we got a new dryer but it didn't fit in our basement so the people just put it in our upstairs kitchen, which is useless cause there's no connector thing or whatever. i dunno
7) i can't find my unactivated credit cards. i need to activate them...ummm
8) i need a fucking job and am considering prostitution, by which i mean going back to cheeburger
9) i wish chris lived closer to me so i could hang out with him i'm mad bored here
10) i wrote another verse and a bridge for my new song
11) i sort of want to become a totally different person in a totally new place and forget my life here. for no real reason. it's not that i'm not happy with my life, i just get upset that it isn't like a book.. i can't have more than one story. that's always bothered me really and i think it may be the reason why i read so obsessively in hs. i always knew i read to escape real life, but i didn't realize that it was because i'm so afraid of decisions. each decision limits the amount of possibilities and narrows your life to one thing. and i'm so scared of making the wrong one. with books you can live so many stories, each one is like a whole life and the best thing is you can live it over and over if you want, or choose another. but with real life, it's so exclusive.. so frustratingly crucial. if i wasn't so upset about the fact that i only have one chance maybe i wouldn't fuck myself over so many times. matt and i noticed this once, how i'm so conscious of this being my only chance and how you only get one life and so you should make the best of it, but that instead of doing the best i can, i do nothing. which is, in effect, actually DOING something, because by doing nothing you really are deciding to take no action, and even that has a consequence because time will continue pushing shit forward and there's no escaping decisions and so my suspended animation is actually realizing my greatest fears about my life being meaningless and my wasting all my talents and being just another person with potential, the very saddest thing i could ever be i think...
2) i went to cvs to get some medicine and some chap stick and i hit/was hit? whatever some kind of car to car interaction occurred and i'm probably going to have to pay for it.
3) i found out this kid Hong that i was friendly with in hs killed himself by jumping off the george washington bridge. i remember when i first realized he was disturbed. grace and i noticed that his arms were all slashed up during physics and it looked obviously self inflicted
4) we went to see a house that was amazing but probably too expensive. still it was so cute and perfect in every way. except $wise and also one of the rooms is sorta really dramatically smaller than the other two, meaning SOMEbody would have to be shit out of luck in that respect... but we'll see who that is later if at all
5) i miss my friends and i want to go back to ny
6) the dryer is broken because of the flood that happened a few weeks back and i have no clean clothes. we got a new dryer but it didn't fit in our basement so the people just put it in our upstairs kitchen, which is useless cause there's no connector thing or whatever. i dunno
7) i can't find my unactivated credit cards. i need to activate them...ummm
8) i need a fucking job and am considering prostitution, by which i mean going back to cheeburger
9) i wish chris lived closer to me so i could hang out with him i'm mad bored here
10) i wrote another verse and a bridge for my new song
11) i sort of want to become a totally different person in a totally new place and forget my life here. for no real reason. it's not that i'm not happy with my life, i just get upset that it isn't like a book.. i can't have more than one story. that's always bothered me really and i think it may be the reason why i read so obsessively in hs. i always knew i read to escape real life, but i didn't realize that it was because i'm so afraid of decisions. each decision limits the amount of possibilities and narrows your life to one thing. and i'm so scared of making the wrong one. with books you can live so many stories, each one is like a whole life and the best thing is you can live it over and over if you want, or choose another. but with real life, it's so exclusive.. so frustratingly crucial. if i wasn't so upset about the fact that i only have one chance maybe i wouldn't fuck myself over so many times. matt and i noticed this once, how i'm so conscious of this being my only chance and how you only get one life and so you should make the best of it, but that instead of doing the best i can, i do nothing. which is, in effect, actually DOING something, because by doing nothing you really are deciding to take no action, and even that has a consequence because time will continue pushing shit forward and there's no escaping decisions and so my suspended animation is actually realizing my greatest fears about my life being meaningless and my wasting all my talents and being just another person with potential, the very saddest thing i could ever be i think...