Plunge the sword, cut me in two halves, that is how the government sees me anyway.
I know i should be thankful for everything i have, and that i have no right to complain, that God knows exactly what He is doing in my life, and that i am very fortunate for every blessing i have recieved, God knows i dont deserve them.
Yet, i still feel like a little rant, just a little one i promise, but please grant me this moment of anger, and bitterness at those who have been granted a different fate than i.
I was thinking today as we passed Utep about how much this semester is going to be costing me. About how i am terrified that i will not be able to come up with the money, and angry that this is how it works every semester. Then i started thinking about Denisse's mom, and i wondered how she was able to spend the entire summer with out a job, simply going to school full time. Then i remembered, she is a single mother, going to school as an adult, thus she gets copious amounts of financial aide. Not that this isnt a great thing mind you, going to school to pursue a degree that you had to put on hold when you had a family is brave, and commendable, still...there is a bitterness inside me. Or how Clayton not only gets money from the VA becuase his dad is a vet, but he also gets financial aide, tons of it, because he has a child, never has to work, and gets to drink away any money left over, which is always quite abit. Melody same thing, thousands from FA, and thousands that she doenst have to pay in taxes, that she in fact gets "refunded" back to her every April, agian, because she got pregnant young. James spent his years in college screwing around, failing out, and now the government awards him with a pell grant as well,becuase you see, him being a stupid kid allows him, after the age of 24, to be rewarded.
Now let me stop here just a minute, and remind you that i am not angry becuase they have this oppertunity that otherwise would not be granted to them, going to school...wanting to accomplish something of that degree is very commendable and respectable,especially with a family.
But...
Here is the rub. I have always followed the rules. Never drinking, never doing drugs, keeping myself safe from pregnancy, making wise decisions "for my future" and where has it led me? Here. Stuggling to pay off school, with a very small part time job, trying to juggle the two, and finding my self truely damned if i do, and equally damned if i dont. Let my school fail, and it will take that much longer to get out, thus being more expensive for me. And with out school, what do i really have to look forward to? What is there to spend my measly little paycheck on? And then is the other edge, just as sharp, waiting to split my skin deep. Let my job slip and there will be now money to save up, and therefore no school. This angry little struggle that goes on daily. I look at my nothing little paychecks knowing that the money contained in theory within those little typed numbers, doesnt really belong to me, it belongs to Utep, or Epcc, or an over priced bookseller. And then my heart sinks even more when i go to the counter at the school and hear how much my little education from a little school will be this semester. I feel the knots just go taut in my back and neck, i look at my calendar, and with my calculator try to figure out how in the hell i am going to be able to do this agian this year. It is this stress, these knots in my back, these tears that make me bitter. How come i have done everything the "right way", the "smart way" and yet in a way i am being punished for this. Sorry kid you didnt get knocked up or get married too young, you didnt screw around for 7 years, you havent divorced your parents, so you get no help from us. You get to claw your way through, wondering each semester(rather, praying)each semester if the money will be there for the next. Your home isnt quite broken enough so you get no reward, no help, fight little girl, just as your parents have done, and if you fail this time around come back to us in a few years,or better yet, if tragedy strikes, maybe we can help you then. I want to know who determines need in this country. You give Mel and James and Clayton way over what they need, and with Mel and Clayton having a kid seems to pay for itself (in spades) sometimes, Yet you cant spare a few hundred for us working class morons? I used to joke about marrying Mikey so that we could get some help, because we both new how it felt to be gipped lower middle class, but now it seems like a really good idea.
And agian, I am thankful, I know i had a good childhood unlike clayton, who continuously throws that in my face (as some kind of excuse for his behavior), as though the world owes him because his father was a sadistic prick, I have both my parents who love me very much, unlike Mel, whose father tried to fake his death to get out of child support payments, or Denisse whose father has decided that poor Luis is a slave to him, punishment for her mom getting custody of the three kids, But do these things automatically mean that we have any money?
I keep waiting for my parents to tell me that they cant spare even the little bit that they help me with now, because the must focus all there attention, monitarily and otherwise, on my "up the creek" brother, who they pulled from high school after his charge and are enrolling in Epcc this semester. Maybe the government will decide that he has had a hard life and will throw money at him as well, that would infact be the perfect end to this little rant(which i know has turned into a rather lengthy outpouring).
Life is unfair, I know this, my blessings are far greater than any amount of money could be, I am thankful, but every once in a while i get angry, and depressed, and horribly horribly distraught over these trivial things. And i know i can get through this, i have for six semseters now, and my dad did it when he was too proud to ask for aid, but please allow me my moments of weakness, allow me my bitterness when Clayton takes his new found FA check and spends it becoming blindingly drunk, and providing his friends with the same luxury. Allow me to rant when i see people who are getting almost twice what i make per hour and almost twice the hours receiving massive amounts of money for school, and spending it frivously. Allow me these tears and anger, just for a moment.
Yet, i still feel like a little rant, just a little one i promise, but please grant me this moment of anger, and bitterness at those who have been granted a different fate than i.
I was thinking today as we passed Utep about how much this semester is going to be costing me. About how i am terrified that i will not be able to come up with the money, and angry that this is how it works every semester. Then i started thinking about Denisse's mom, and i wondered how she was able to spend the entire summer with out a job, simply going to school full time. Then i remembered, she is a single mother, going to school as an adult, thus she gets copious amounts of financial aide. Not that this isnt a great thing mind you, going to school to pursue a degree that you had to put on hold when you had a family is brave, and commendable, still...there is a bitterness inside me. Or how Clayton not only gets money from the VA becuase his dad is a vet, but he also gets financial aide, tons of it, because he has a child, never has to work, and gets to drink away any money left over, which is always quite abit. Melody same thing, thousands from FA, and thousands that she doenst have to pay in taxes, that she in fact gets "refunded" back to her every April, agian, because she got pregnant young. James spent his years in college screwing around, failing out, and now the government awards him with a pell grant as well,becuase you see, him being a stupid kid allows him, after the age of 24, to be rewarded.
Now let me stop here just a minute, and remind you that i am not angry becuase they have this oppertunity that otherwise would not be granted to them, going to school...wanting to accomplish something of that degree is very commendable and respectable,especially with a family.
But...
Here is the rub. I have always followed the rules. Never drinking, never doing drugs, keeping myself safe from pregnancy, making wise decisions "for my future" and where has it led me? Here. Stuggling to pay off school, with a very small part time job, trying to juggle the two, and finding my self truely damned if i do, and equally damned if i dont. Let my school fail, and it will take that much longer to get out, thus being more expensive for me. And with out school, what do i really have to look forward to? What is there to spend my measly little paycheck on? And then is the other edge, just as sharp, waiting to split my skin deep. Let my job slip and there will be now money to save up, and therefore no school. This angry little struggle that goes on daily. I look at my nothing little paychecks knowing that the money contained in theory within those little typed numbers, doesnt really belong to me, it belongs to Utep, or Epcc, or an over priced bookseller. And then my heart sinks even more when i go to the counter at the school and hear how much my little education from a little school will be this semester. I feel the knots just go taut in my back and neck, i look at my calendar, and with my calculator try to figure out how in the hell i am going to be able to do this agian this year. It is this stress, these knots in my back, these tears that make me bitter. How come i have done everything the "right way", the "smart way" and yet in a way i am being punished for this. Sorry kid you didnt get knocked up or get married too young, you didnt screw around for 7 years, you havent divorced your parents, so you get no help from us. You get to claw your way through, wondering each semester(rather, praying)each semester if the money will be there for the next. Your home isnt quite broken enough so you get no reward, no help, fight little girl, just as your parents have done, and if you fail this time around come back to us in a few years,or better yet, if tragedy strikes, maybe we can help you then. I want to know who determines need in this country. You give Mel and James and Clayton way over what they need, and with Mel and Clayton having a kid seems to pay for itself (in spades) sometimes, Yet you cant spare a few hundred for us working class morons? I used to joke about marrying Mikey so that we could get some help, because we both new how it felt to be gipped lower middle class, but now it seems like a really good idea.
And agian, I am thankful, I know i had a good childhood unlike clayton, who continuously throws that in my face (as some kind of excuse for his behavior), as though the world owes him because his father was a sadistic prick, I have both my parents who love me very much, unlike Mel, whose father tried to fake his death to get out of child support payments, or Denisse whose father has decided that poor Luis is a slave to him, punishment for her mom getting custody of the three kids, But do these things automatically mean that we have any money?
I keep waiting for my parents to tell me that they cant spare even the little bit that they help me with now, because the must focus all there attention, monitarily and otherwise, on my "up the creek" brother, who they pulled from high school after his charge and are enrolling in Epcc this semester. Maybe the government will decide that he has had a hard life and will throw money at him as well, that would infact be the perfect end to this little rant(which i know has turned into a rather lengthy outpouring).
Life is unfair, I know this, my blessings are far greater than any amount of money could be, I am thankful, but every once in a while i get angry, and depressed, and horribly horribly distraught over these trivial things. And i know i can get through this, i have for six semseters now, and my dad did it when he was too proud to ask for aid, but please allow me my moments of weakness, allow me my bitterness when Clayton takes his new found FA check and spends it becoming blindingly drunk, and providing his friends with the same luxury. Allow me to rant when i see people who are getting almost twice what i make per hour and almost twice the hours receiving massive amounts of money for school, and spending it frivously. Allow me these tears and anger, just for a moment.