Valentine's Day (not an offense, just a thought)
Valentine's day is getting closer, and around this time of year I always reminisce about times of the past. Like the best Valentine's I ever had was when Deny asked me to be his Valentine. I thought he was joking, so I made him a silly card, along with the others i was making, and walked to school nervous, because I wasnt sure whether or not I was going to be a laughing stock. When I got to Whataburger Deny gave me a rose, Cadbury egg(cause they are my favorite) and a clippy(because he always stole mine)There was nothing more to this exchange, no relationship came out of it, and things did not change between myself and him, but that didnt matter, He made me soo happy. I spent the day with a bright smile on my face, and even now as I think back on that day it makes me smile. That memory always leads into this one. Deny came to class one afternoon with gum in his hair, some jock had thrown it at him in an earlier class. I spent then entire class picking the gum from his hair, instead of doing the assigned lab, which I failed. As I am picking through the bits of gum, trying not to rip out his hair he told me that I was special and that he could see why someone really liked me. (Although he made it clear that it wasnt him) A few days later Clayton and I were dating. Funny how that relationship was one of my shortest, yet it is the one that has stuck with me. Things are different now. Deny moved away before I became a Junior, and Clayton now has a child with a woman that he will probably marry. Rumor has it that Deny joined the KKK, and no one, not even Clayton has heard from him since. I still talk to Clayton but things arent the same. The beauty that I used to find in his eyes has faded. He is hard, and cold, and where I used to be invited in I am now pushed away. Everyone has changed so much. I think back on those times at Whataburger when we were so young, when life just hadnt gotten us yet. And while life was still around us, it wasnt breaking and hard like it is now. Now people have kids, and are dealing with their parents dying, Even I have grown up and realized how Real my family is. Things that seemed so far away, so unreal, are now saturating. We are growing up and growing apart. I think about that more and more and it kills me. Rosie is an adult now, going to cocktail parties and packing to move away to graduate school and a life far from here. Melody has got a bussiness that she runs, and a child that she is raising. She has bills, and responsibilities. Seth has grown disillusioned with the world, and now he is no longer the sarcastic of the group. He no longer cares. I have to wonder at what point everyone, everything changed. It seems like such a short time ago that we were happily hanging out on the patio of Whataburger, like a blink of an eye that we were posing for that big group picture around the main table in the corner. My breath catches here and the goosebumps rise when I think about that stuff. THen inevitable, I start thinking about all the people that now seem so far away. Rosie is packing up to go off to law school, she attends mixers(when she never used to drink before), and she has decided, maybe not even consciously, that I am not a friend to get her ahead, and thus not a friend at all. Aaron is so busy with Corrine, and he is happy. WHen things are good, friends are unneeded, that seems to be how it goes. I feel so much like I am standing still in the middle of a busy intersection while everyone passes me by at light speed. I laugh now at all those dreams that have passed me by, the road trip in a hippie van, living with David right after high school. :::sigh::: I get nostalgic and angry all at the same time. What happened to "best friends forever"? What happened to "I love you". I know that for the most part these are things that simply change and we have no control over them, But some things shouldnt be ok to change, something should remain out of those "I love yous", those "Best Friends Forever" should still be some small part. WHere is that part, howcome it is so far? And why does it have to be just a fraction of that passion, of that happiness of my memories?