In a Booming Movie Trailer Voice…
COMING SOON TO A THEATRE NEAR YOU!
In a quiet, sleepy, suburban cul-de-sac …he’s there. In the Parr family home outside Metroville…he’s there. In a high-rise penthouse with a secret room filled with bat-themed gadgets, he’s there. At 11:30pm, in a hand-made tree house with a cooler full of Capri Suns and candy bars; a couple of sleeping bags strewn about; and an antenna television, with an extension cord running back into the house…oh yeah, he’s there.
In every message board on the internet, he’s probably there. Google his name and you will see it proclaimed, in images, that there should be monuments built to him [i] . He has been touted as the cure for sadness by some of the saddest people around, like actors [ii] . He is in the myth of Chuck Norris. He is the reason James T. Kirk can't hear you [iii] . Every year, March 10th in fact, there is an international celebration, in his honor [iv] . He holds twenty-four separate definitions on urban dictionary.com [v] . He has his own category on Uncyclopedia. He has done all this without even getting a page on Wikipedia. He has his own table of elements, the first of which is Bacon [vi] . If the characters of the original Star Wars trilogy were to perform a rock concert, then everywhere it was seen, his name would be heard.
He has maintained his current form for at least four-hundred and eleven years, and can trace his childhood back to the 13th century, Anno Domini [vii] . Born from the lineage of the Old Norse warrior Agi, he immigrated to England on the cusp of the Late Middle Ages, and has been growing in usage ever since [viii] .
* * *
1:30pm, Scranton, Pennsylvania: with their idiotic boss occupied with a Rubik’s Cube in his office all day, the paper-selling business has been slow for Pam Beesly, Jim Halpert, and the rest of the cubicle dwellers. News just came in earlier today of a lower-than-expected sales volume in the coming months, since more businesses are going paperless, and nearly everyone fears the threat of layoffs is looming around the corner for the team, not to mention they ran out of coffee. With several people already asleep at their desks, and more eyelids drooping, that’s when he intervened.
* * *
Suddenly Dwight Schrute sensed danger! He jolted up from his slumped sleeping position when he heard the rush of rivers of water, and felt the warm sun on his back.
“Where am I?!” he shouted, “I have a purple belt in Karate!” The office did not have the sun, nor raging waters, and I was wearing a suit; I must have been kidnapped, he thought.
But as his eyes adjusted, his co-workers came into focus, and so did the surroundings he would expect to see out the window. It took some time for him to realize that he had been moved to the roof somehow; much longer than it took him to realize he was now wearing only his 1930s-style swimsuit, and longer still for him to realize the “rivers” he had heard were water slides running off the roof of the building, and into newly installed swimming pools in what used to be a part of the parking lot. He stood confused for quite some time before he ran back downstairs to alert Michael, who was no longer playing with his Rubik’s Cube.
In the meantime, Pam and Jim enjoyed themselves, sliding off the roof, racing each other down paired slides, and partaking in a free funnel cake bar that had appeared on the roof, along with the slides and coworkers. No one knew how this happened, or why, but that didn’t stop them from enjoying it. Even Angela, the strictest accountant, was having fun flying down the inner-tube slides, and floating in the circular lazy river.
Michael Scott was a simple man, and often an idiot, but that did not keep him from enjoying the news he received while Dwight was waiting outside his office. Despite his losing battle against Mr. Rubik, he had still managed to worry about the possibility that corporate might force him to lay someone off. Paper was having an off year, he thought, but now he didn’t care; not about paper, not about corporate, and certainly not about whatever Dwight was bothering him about. He excitedly swung his office door open…into an empty room.
“Where is everyone Dwight?” he asked, confused.
“They are all up on the roof and they-”
“Don’t care, I’ve got great news!”
He rushed up the stairs, not waiting for the elevator, and when he reached the roof, before the sight of the newly-sprung water park could enter his gray matter, he shouted “I HAVE GREAT NEWS!”
The office workers stopped what they were doing and listened to him, interested in what he had to say for once.
“You all know how we’ve been having a lot of trouble selling paper recently with digitalization…I just got off the phone from corporate, we’re now a beer distributing company, and our first sample truck is currently being unloaded!”
The workers were ecstatic! A party ensued, with everyone, even Dwight, enjoying themselves thoroughly…and he did that all without even being seen.
* * *
His name……is Awesomeness, and with his counterparts Extraordinary and Terrific, he fights the evil forces of Monotony and Lameness on their home turf. Often disguised as a mild-mannered animator, he always keeps an eye on his trusty Boredometer wrist-watch, and when the Doldrums invade, he delivers the heaping helping of awesome sauce that sends them flying out the window.
Of yet, there is no Awesomeness action figure, play set, or even a game for the Wii. You won’t see his face on the cover of a newspaper, or on a Wheaties box, and he’s not sponsored. No, he does it for you. As one of his followers, Barney Stinson once said, “When I get sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead. True story” [ix] .
[i] “Awesomeness - Google Image Search.” Google. 2/25/2009. Google Image Search. 2/25/2009. <http://images.google.com/images?q=awesomeness&oe=utf-8&rls=org.mozilla:en-US:official&client=firefox-a&um=1&ie=UTF-8&sa=N&hl=en&tab=wi>
[ii] Aaron. “The Awesomeness poster - all you’ll ever want to know. | be awesome instead” Be awesome instead.com. 11/7/2007. Be awesome instead. 2/25/2009. <http://www.beawesomeinstead.com>
[iii] Echosphere. “Star Trek Inspirational Posters.” Echosphere.net. 8/30/2006. Online. 2/25/2009. <http://echosphere.net/star_trek_insp/star_trek_insp.html>
[iv] Lawver, Kevin. “The International Day of Awesomeness! March 10, 2008.” dayofawesomeness.com. Online. 2/25/2009. < http://dayofawesomeness.com/>
[v] “Urban Dictionary: awesomeness.” Urban Dictionary.com. Online. 2/25/2009 <http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=awesomeness>
[vi] “Periodic Table of Awesoments.” Dapperstache.com. 2008. Online. 2/25/09 <http://www.dapperstache.com/index.php?title=ptoa1&contenttype=ptoa >
[vii] "awe." Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary. 2009. Merriam-Webster Online. 25 February 2009
<http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/awe>
[viii] "awe." Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary. 2009. Merriam-Webster Online. 25 February 2009
<http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/awe>
[ix] Aaron. “The Awesomeness poster - all you’ll ever want to know. | be awesome instead” Be awesome instead.com. 11/7/2007. Be awesome instead. 2/25/2009. <http://www.beawesomeinstead.com>
©2009 Adam May