I don't know what to do now? Its so hard to face the day.
Well I was listening to Thursday for the past two days the albums Waiting, Full Collapse, and War All The Time.
They were the first "emo" band that I ever liked. I used to lisen to their music over and over and dream of what it would be like to be out of the closet loving someone, sharing moments with someone... I used to think that would all come easily after I came out of the closet...
So I have been listening to Thursday and I just finished listening to the song Where The Circle Ends... and its just the guy talking with some subtle background music. I had no idea what he was saying... actually I still have no idea what Thursday is about to this very moment except for the song Where The Circle Ends... I have never listened to their lyrics... and if I did read them before and I could remember reading some songs, only to sing along with them. I wouldn't be able to tell you what they are about or atleast my interpretation on what their music is about. So I heard him talking and I knew he was probably saying something important or something that has significance to my broken heart issues.
(shut up what that guy did to me yesterday sucked, so if my words are too powerful for what I am talking about, then don't read... <>)
So I was listening to the song, and I thought I would write something down in my journal that would make some sort of reaction of out you, because I LOVE 'reaction', good or bad. I love it. I think its the attention, or the connection I feel when I get a reaction out of you. So I thought I would listen to the lyrics to see what Thursday really has to say in the song Where The Circle Ends, for some insight or inspiration on what I should write about myself.
Where the Circle Ends
- >
Mountain ranges
Morning red bathed ridges stab up at the trembling blue horizon
Grey slides lazily off rooftops
Lands on the incandescent ground and dies.
A flock of little men touch down on the this surface of porchlight
Dawn’s footsoldiers return to march twilight across our faces
Skylites ignite and explode
Scattering shards of april around the room
But no one even lives here.
We’re too busy crashing our cars every morning in the same house.
Paving the same roads
Unwilling to walk them.
And even when we extend ourselves it’s only to be included in a moment that stands still.
And so often we don’t struggle to improve conditions,
We struggle for the right to say “We improve conditionsâ€.
And so often we form communities
Only the use them as exclusionary devices.
We forget that somewhere man is beside himself with grief.
Somewhere people are calling for teachers
And no one is answering.
Somewhere a man stands, walks across the room, and breaks his nose against the door,
And somewhere these people are keeping records
Writing a book
For now we can call it “The Book About the Basic Flaw,†or “The Book About the Letter A,â€
or, “Any Title That a Book About a Man That No One Cares About Might Have,â€
And as we turn the pages, we call out the sounds of a vanishing alphabet,
Standing here waiting.
Then I was like, hey he's actually right...
So someone tell me if you would actually care?
Like real sincere care? You probably don't know me enough to even care, or is that even a factor when you "care"? Or am I just ugly and your superficial and you base everything on good looks, meaning if I am not attractive then I am not important, I shouldn't matter, and what I have to say is inferior?
I have no idea... but what I have to say is that my emotions are so tight and confused from my situation yesterday (read past posts if you don't understand this, or should I say "care", or whatever the word may be to you?)
I am glad that happened to me, because not many people get to go through that, well atleast not in the high hopes that I had, it was pure gold. A naive boy falling for a heartless inconsiderate boy. Oh yeah he was blading, fat, and unnattractive. I was totally lowering my standards for him. Yes I know thats bad, what can I say I was desperate for any sort of "love" or romance... I just want to share moments and love someone. I know I have Hilda.
Hilda I don't know what I would do without you, and I love our cuddling/ sleeping together. I just want someone special to share the moments we share but on a higher level and at a more intimate state.
So I was saying how I lowered my standards for this guy, and how I was glad he shunned me. He made me realize that there are cruel people in this world and I should be more cautious next time. I guess I gave him my heart because I was hoping it would be mutual... :(
And please save me the bullshit that I am a great person and that I deserve better. I'm not completely dumb. I just want to know how people get into a 'relationship'? God I try my hardest and I get kicked in the face. I blame it on who I am. I think it's because I am native, and most people think natives are bad people. I blame it on my body, it's not quite nice... but I am trying to make it better; I go to the gym. I blame it on my face; it's not quite pretty. Theres nothing I can do about that and I don't want plastic surgery. I just want a genuine guy to think I am the world to him, I see beauty in almost everything so I don't think it would be hard for me to see the world in him... I would probably even date a girl I am so desperate. But I would need an attraction for her or him. I feel like all the problems are not flowing through like they usually do. I feel like this situation clogged up my pipe, and every little issue is building up, slowly this clog is drowning piece by piece away. I will be fine in a bit, but those little pieces of his clog will probably stay there until I get a good pipe cleaner. Where do I get a one?
(dont respond saying a grocery store... I was speaking metaphorically asshole.)
I feel like my life is a piano playing in all silence and all darkness right now. Someone bring me some light, and maybe a guitar :)
They were the first "emo" band that I ever liked. I used to lisen to their music over and over and dream of what it would be like to be out of the closet loving someone, sharing moments with someone... I used to think that would all come easily after I came out of the closet...
So I have been listening to Thursday and I just finished listening to the song Where The Circle Ends... and its just the guy talking with some subtle background music. I had no idea what he was saying... actually I still have no idea what Thursday is about to this very moment except for the song Where The Circle Ends... I have never listened to their lyrics... and if I did read them before and I could remember reading some songs, only to sing along with them. I wouldn't be able to tell you what they are about or atleast my interpretation on what their music is about. So I heard him talking and I knew he was probably saying something important or something that has significance to my broken heart issues.
(shut up what that guy did to me yesterday sucked, so if my words are too powerful for what I am talking about, then don't read... <>)
So I was listening to the song, and I thought I would write something down in my journal that would make some sort of reaction of out you, because I LOVE 'reaction', good or bad. I love it. I think its the attention, or the connection I feel when I get a reaction out of you. So I thought I would listen to the lyrics to see what Thursday really has to say in the song Where The Circle Ends, for some insight or inspiration on what I should write about myself.
Where the Circle Ends
- >
Mountain ranges
Morning red bathed ridges stab up at the trembling blue horizon
Grey slides lazily off rooftops
Lands on the incandescent ground and dies.
A flock of little men touch down on the this surface of porchlight
Dawn’s footsoldiers return to march twilight across our faces
Skylites ignite and explode
Scattering shards of april around the room
But no one even lives here.
We’re too busy crashing our cars every morning in the same house.
Paving the same roads
Unwilling to walk them.
And even when we extend ourselves it’s only to be included in a moment that stands still.
And so often we don’t struggle to improve conditions,
We struggle for the right to say “We improve conditionsâ€.
And so often we form communities
Only the use them as exclusionary devices.
We forget that somewhere man is beside himself with grief.
Somewhere people are calling for teachers
And no one is answering.
Somewhere a man stands, walks across the room, and breaks his nose against the door,
And somewhere these people are keeping records
Writing a book
For now we can call it “The Book About the Basic Flaw,†or “The Book About the Letter A,â€
or, “Any Title That a Book About a Man That No One Cares About Might Have,â€
And as we turn the pages, we call out the sounds of a vanishing alphabet,
Standing here waiting.
Then I was like, hey he's actually right...
So someone tell me if you would actually care?
Like real sincere care? You probably don't know me enough to even care, or is that even a factor when you "care"? Or am I just ugly and your superficial and you base everything on good looks, meaning if I am not attractive then I am not important, I shouldn't matter, and what I have to say is inferior?
I have no idea... but what I have to say is that my emotions are so tight and confused from my situation yesterday (read past posts if you don't understand this, or should I say "care", or whatever the word may be to you?)
I am glad that happened to me, because not many people get to go through that, well atleast not in the high hopes that I had, it was pure gold. A naive boy falling for a heartless inconsiderate boy. Oh yeah he was blading, fat, and unnattractive. I was totally lowering my standards for him. Yes I know thats bad, what can I say I was desperate for any sort of "love" or romance... I just want to share moments and love someone. I know I have Hilda.
Hilda I don't know what I would do without you, and I love our cuddling/ sleeping together. I just want someone special to share the moments we share but on a higher level and at a more intimate state.
So I was saying how I lowered my standards for this guy, and how I was glad he shunned me. He made me realize that there are cruel people in this world and I should be more cautious next time. I guess I gave him my heart because I was hoping it would be mutual... :(
And please save me the bullshit that I am a great person and that I deserve better. I'm not completely dumb. I just want to know how people get into a 'relationship'? God I try my hardest and I get kicked in the face. I blame it on who I am. I think it's because I am native, and most people think natives are bad people. I blame it on my body, it's not quite nice... but I am trying to make it better; I go to the gym. I blame it on my face; it's not quite pretty. Theres nothing I can do about that and I don't want plastic surgery. I just want a genuine guy to think I am the world to him, I see beauty in almost everything so I don't think it would be hard for me to see the world in him... I would probably even date a girl I am so desperate. But I would need an attraction for her or him. I feel like all the problems are not flowing through like they usually do. I feel like this situation clogged up my pipe, and every little issue is building up, slowly this clog is drowning piece by piece away. I will be fine in a bit, but those little pieces of his clog will probably stay there until I get a good pipe cleaner. Where do I get a one?
(dont respond saying a grocery store... I was speaking metaphorically asshole.)
I feel like my life is a piano playing in all silence and all darkness right now. Someone bring me some light, and maybe a guitar :)