Fuck UFC and TUF
Not only are these two shows incredibly mislabeled and poorly named, but I'm getting tired of hearing my coworkers talk about them during lunch. They talk about this shit as if it's the greatest thing since sliced bread or "the sport of the future" as if I haven't heard that enough from the X-Games (which I dearly love but come on, there is never going to be a day in history when more people tune in to watch the skate vert competition than the Super Bowl) and all those other zany sports out there like extreme ironing. And if you dare mention any sort of homo erotic undertones, prepare yourself to be on the receiving end of a temper tantrum that would rival that of any 2 year-old who dropped his lollipop in the sand. Also, don't mention how this is just the newest form of boxing, because the parallels will be completely lost on them. But these shows are like boxing in that two guys get together and try to convince the audience that somehow this fight means something, not only to them or to UFC/TUF or their fans, but to the world at large; that by fighting some sort of change might occur somewhere other than their bank accounts and whom they'll be fighting next. Except instead of having the pleasure of seeing wacked out promoters like Don King, we know have to sit through hours of bullshit melodrama. Yes, I really give a fuck about how hard it was training for this day or how much it sucked losing. Really? It sucked to lose to this guy and you don't want that to happen again? I bet you're the only person in all of sports who thinks that. Oh shit! I totally forgot about those things called rivalries, like the Yanks versus the Red Sox (or as I call them, the forces of righteousness versus the forces of bitter resentment and hatred) or how Macho Man Randy Savage hates Hulk Hogan. Which is what UFC/TUF are, a cross between boxing and wrestling (the fake kind, not the Greek kind), except they feature the worst parts of both. We get none of the true flair, charisma, or Hollywood style entertainment of wrestling and none of these fighters even have half the character of George Foreman or Muhammad Ali. They might have more "skills", but they could never command the "presence" of a great fighter. Why? Because what these things really are is a grown up version of backyard wrestling. They are the "more extreme" version of boxing and fake wrestling with the air of the exotic because one or two of these guys actually know a few martial arts moves; they are the "anything goes" of fighting, but a jack of none. In other words, if you put two angsty teens in a room and said "fight", the result would be UFC/TUF because they would just go at it, there'd be no true boxing, wrestling, or martial arts - just two people trying to beat the living fuck out of one another. And if you gave them a month to train and followed them around with a camera, you'd have everything that UFC/TUF have minus the pomp and hubris.
That's not entirely true because there are some kick ass moves in UFC/TUF and occasionally you get to see them, but those are rare and fleeting moments. A roundhouse kick to the head that knocks someone out is cool, unless you've seen or been in a bar fight where that shit happens all the time. I've seen fights in high school where kids used to grab someone behind the head and knee them in the face so seeing some guy do it who is supposed to be an "ultimate fighter" really just diminishes my respect for him and his "training". Good job buddy, you were able to perfect a move that a 16 year-old did who never had any real fight training in his life. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying anyone and everyone can do this; it takes a special kind of mutant to have the will and desire to have his face pummeled in on a regular basis. Also, if you've seen any true Asian martial arts fights, then you've probably seen way cooler moves in the first few minutes than in all of UFC/TUF history. Furthermore, the vast majority of fights are finished by tap outs, when one person is unable to continue fighting. That's like a boxing match being decided by points, which is the worst match ever. No one wants to see two boxers fight for 15 rounds and then have the judges call it; we want to see some guy get pummeled to the point where the only way he can get out of the ring is by a stretcher. A tap out is not even remotely the same thing and it's not even interesting to watch; you just see some guy with his arms and legs or some combination thereof wrapped around another guy for a minute or so. It's like someone put the match on freeze frame. And the whole time the announcers are trying to make this remotely interesting with their constant chatter of, "He looks like he's all wrapped up, but he might be able to break free. But I don't know since the other guy is pretty strong and he's got him all wrapped up but he could break free..." At that point in the match it's like the bottom of the ninth in a baseball game where there's no one on base, two outs, their down by 12 and the guy coming up to bat is the pitcher. Just leave right then and there because only a miracle is going to change this scene to something other than inevitable tedium.
However, there is always the fun of when they do this stuff internationally, which is when you see how utterly absurd these names really are. You very quickly realize that terms like "Ultimate Fighter" need some sort of qualifier. Every time they do these things the Americans, who do this shit year round, pumping each other up, and stroking each other off, get their collective asses handed to them by numerous Asian competitors from the far tougher Asian leagues in less than a week. "I am the Ultimate Fighter, as long as no one from China questions that and if they do, well, then I'll just tell them that Ultimate is a term meaning 'best in the Western Hemisphere'." But what's a week of utter humiliation matter when you have the other 358 days of the year to remind yourself that you are the best in at least one country on one circuit of martial arts and this shit is the best out there...until your career ends 3 years later because the average is now down to less than 5 years for an American professional fighter.
That's not entirely true because there are some kick ass moves in UFC/TUF and occasionally you get to see them, but those are rare and fleeting moments. A roundhouse kick to the head that knocks someone out is cool, unless you've seen or been in a bar fight where that shit happens all the time. I've seen fights in high school where kids used to grab someone behind the head and knee them in the face so seeing some guy do it who is supposed to be an "ultimate fighter" really just diminishes my respect for him and his "training". Good job buddy, you were able to perfect a move that a 16 year-old did who never had any real fight training in his life. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying anyone and everyone can do this; it takes a special kind of mutant to have the will and desire to have his face pummeled in on a regular basis. Also, if you've seen any true Asian martial arts fights, then you've probably seen way cooler moves in the first few minutes than in all of UFC/TUF history. Furthermore, the vast majority of fights are finished by tap outs, when one person is unable to continue fighting. That's like a boxing match being decided by points, which is the worst match ever. No one wants to see two boxers fight for 15 rounds and then have the judges call it; we want to see some guy get pummeled to the point where the only way he can get out of the ring is by a stretcher. A tap out is not even remotely the same thing and it's not even interesting to watch; you just see some guy with his arms and legs or some combination thereof wrapped around another guy for a minute or so. It's like someone put the match on freeze frame. And the whole time the announcers are trying to make this remotely interesting with their constant chatter of, "He looks like he's all wrapped up, but he might be able to break free. But I don't know since the other guy is pretty strong and he's got him all wrapped up but he could break free..." At that point in the match it's like the bottom of the ninth in a baseball game where there's no one on base, two outs, their down by 12 and the guy coming up to bat is the pitcher. Just leave right then and there because only a miracle is going to change this scene to something other than inevitable tedium.
However, there is always the fun of when they do this stuff internationally, which is when you see how utterly absurd these names really are. You very quickly realize that terms like "Ultimate Fighter" need some sort of qualifier. Every time they do these things the Americans, who do this shit year round, pumping each other up, and stroking each other off, get their collective asses handed to them by numerous Asian competitors from the far tougher Asian leagues in less than a week. "I am the Ultimate Fighter, as long as no one from China questions that and if they do, well, then I'll just tell them that Ultimate is a term meaning 'best in the Western Hemisphere'." But what's a week of utter humiliation matter when you have the other 358 days of the year to remind yourself that you are the best in at least one country on one circuit of martial arts and this shit is the best out there...until your career ends 3 years later because the average is now down to less than 5 years for an American professional fighter.