(no subject)
It's so easy to say I'm done again, after a night like last. It doesn't seem like that big of a feat to quit, and still go out and be social after a night like last. It's just not that easy when it comes down to it. I don't know what made me slip, but I wish I did. This is not just a little slip up anymore. It's come around full circle to where I used to be. I hate it. I hate who I become and the things I do. It's just not me at all. The strange thing is, I still don't have money. I didn't when I was sober too. I probably spend it in different ways and I just don't realize it. I want to quit so badly. I hate who I am now, and I can see how my actions effect other people and I don't like it. I don' know what to do, I'm struggling with this and it's so difficult to maintain this sherade. I know that once I stop and get over that hump everything will be fine and I'll get back into the place I was before, but that hump is more like a mountain of temptation. Now that I've gone back, the consequences haven't been as severe as I imagined, but the loss of dignity and self respect is tremendous. I just can't do it anymore. I know it's better for me to quit, but how then, can I go out and drink like I did last night. I'm soo disgusted with myself right now. I hope I can find the strength inside to do what I know is the right thing to do. Just a little support would be nice.