flirting with disaster.
So... another month has gone by, and ooooh the drama I have created for myself. A little tumble off the wagon and I landed with a thud. Fourtunately I was able to pick myself up right away, brush off the initial scrapes, and hop back on, but not without a few lasting internal injuries. All along I was aware of the consequenses should I fall, or slip up, and yet somehow one day I fell without reguard to what might happen. How did this happen? How could I not care? Just for that one minute, that one split second decison and a whirlwind of chaos followed. With the help of a dear, old friend with similar experiences, I was able to reason with myself and came to the conculsion that that life is not for me. I have grown so much as a person in the last year and a half, become such a strong individual and I have realized so many things about myself that I love, that aren't worth throwing away, down the bottle. How could I have lost sight of those things that I cherish so much? Is it worth it for me to beat myself up over it? Or is it okay for me to come to terms with it and realize it was just a simple mistake, a little slip up, and vow to never let it happen again? Do I have the strength inside to trust myself again? More importantly, I may have damaged some friendships that were becomming very important to me, or had the potential to become so. Interestingly enough, as soon as word got out, a few friends encouraged me to continue, so that we might share the experience. I don't ever want anyone to see me that way ever again. It's not attractive, appealing or exciting at all. And it's especially not worth the self hatred that follows. Conclusion..... I don't know if I have one yet... there's too many peices to put back together.