(no subject)
july. ugh. i don't like july. the beginning of july sucks for me, mostly because of the fourth. it's a huge deal for my dad's family, and i have very happy memories as a child spending time with them on the fourth. my grandma would spend a ton of money on loads of fireworks and we'd hang out all day blowing them up. great times. it sucks when i can't be wtih them, and year after year, i've told them i'll make it next year, for sure, i'll be there. but i always have to work. i'll be working this year, i can't afford to take off. it's a money weekend.
plus this july, two of my boys are leaving the country. two guys that I care about very very much, and they are fleeing. i'll miss them both immensley, and i find myself wondering what i'm going to do without them. i guess i'll have to make some new friends. ugh. july.
make new friends but keep the old, one is silver and the other gold. i hated that song, as a young kid. i never wanted to make new friends, and i had to constantly. i was at a new school every year until 6th grade. i'm jealous of people i know who have had the same friends since grade school and have maintained and built such a strong, lifelong frienships. all my life people have slipped in and out of my life and my circle constantly changes.
one of my friends that's moving away has been one of my longest friends in milwaukee since i've moved here. he's going to fight the war in iraq. i hate the war in iraq, too many people i know are there fighting for lies. i can only pray for his safe return. i almost married him this weekend, but not because we're in love, for insurance purposes and other "agreements" (nonsexual--- perverts). i can't belive i almost went through with it. and much to the disapproval of my roomates and friends. i'm sure i won't regret not doing it. it was exciting to be temprarily engaged. flying to texas to marry a soldier. it's exactly something i would do, impulsive, selfish and outrageous. i would have done it too, if will hadn't told his family, we'd be married right now. hah. it still makes me laugh. i'm sure it's for the better.
the other boy that's leaving is the one that's breaking my heart. such a new relationship, the pacific ocean is too much of a barrier, and i think he needs to do some growing up anyways. it's too bad, i fell hard for this kid. but maybe it's just a haitus. i guess right now i'm hoping it is, and that in december it will be a familiar face i greet with open arms. i'm not going to hold out for long though, i'm not going to be a fool this time. i guess i'm not one for goodbyes. it seems too permanent for me, i don't like the thought of not seeing a good friend for sometime. to me, it happens too often, and good intentions somehow fall through in the distance.
one more month and the one who i have loved will leave as well. to egypt. africa. i still have some time with him, and i hope to determine the real depth of our relationship, what it really means to me. if i really want to revisit the emotion and greatness of the past love we shared.ok wait, it wasn't that fantastic, it was just intense. something inside is making me wonder.
i am fourtunate to live with some guys who make me laugh, and their humour will help me through this, and realize the bullshit i sometimes confuse with truth. good rational people they are. just what i need, a reality check.
plus this july, two of my boys are leaving the country. two guys that I care about very very much, and they are fleeing. i'll miss them both immensley, and i find myself wondering what i'm going to do without them. i guess i'll have to make some new friends. ugh. july.
make new friends but keep the old, one is silver and the other gold. i hated that song, as a young kid. i never wanted to make new friends, and i had to constantly. i was at a new school every year until 6th grade. i'm jealous of people i know who have had the same friends since grade school and have maintained and built such a strong, lifelong frienships. all my life people have slipped in and out of my life and my circle constantly changes.
one of my friends that's moving away has been one of my longest friends in milwaukee since i've moved here. he's going to fight the war in iraq. i hate the war in iraq, too many people i know are there fighting for lies. i can only pray for his safe return. i almost married him this weekend, but not because we're in love, for insurance purposes and other "agreements" (nonsexual--- perverts). i can't belive i almost went through with it. and much to the disapproval of my roomates and friends. i'm sure i won't regret not doing it. it was exciting to be temprarily engaged. flying to texas to marry a soldier. it's exactly something i would do, impulsive, selfish and outrageous. i would have done it too, if will hadn't told his family, we'd be married right now. hah. it still makes me laugh. i'm sure it's for the better.
the other boy that's leaving is the one that's breaking my heart. such a new relationship, the pacific ocean is too much of a barrier, and i think he needs to do some growing up anyways. it's too bad, i fell hard for this kid. but maybe it's just a haitus. i guess right now i'm hoping it is, and that in december it will be a familiar face i greet with open arms. i'm not going to hold out for long though, i'm not going to be a fool this time. i guess i'm not one for goodbyes. it seems too permanent for me, i don't like the thought of not seeing a good friend for sometime. to me, it happens too often, and good intentions somehow fall through in the distance.
one more month and the one who i have loved will leave as well. to egypt. africa. i still have some time with him, and i hope to determine the real depth of our relationship, what it really means to me. if i really want to revisit the emotion and greatness of the past love we shared.ok wait, it wasn't that fantastic, it was just intense. something inside is making me wonder.
i am fourtunate to live with some guys who make me laugh, and their humour will help me through this, and realize the bullshit i sometimes confuse with truth. good rational people they are. just what i need, a reality check.