where to begin!
i don't really remember when the last time i wrote was so i'll try and back track a bit. welll yeah so on friday when i went up to the field house at clemens to drop off my bro's registration form and i saw ROGER! DAMN i have some horrible luck. haha not ONE student was in the freaking parking lot and when i walk out of the fieldhouse he is pulling in! haha! i think that he saw me cuz he drove by really fast and i didn't look at him i just pretended to look at a receipt! haha! but i fucked that one up cuz i was trying SO hard not to look at him that i forgot about my car alarm and it went off! haha! i'm a bright one right! DAMN!
well.... firday night what did i do? oh... i went and visited pookie, then cruised with ashley shelley (chance)and julie brown. then i went over and chilled with blaine for a bit. i should've gone to the movies with birdwell and some of his friends but i had promised james i would go to a party at audreys. but they moved the party to jason maples and i didn't fell like goin out there. so i just went to be kinda early.
yeah so i talked to ashley chance-shelley and she is doing good. she said she talks to daniel a lot and that when he gets back they want to start having kids! wow! it's so crazy to me that everyone is starting to have kids and start families... and i'm supposed to have one =( well, it doesn't necessarily make me sad persay...i just always wonder how things would be. i mean, i know that it's good because i would be all on my own doing it but now that i look back i really think i could've done it. i mean, i probably wouldn't have ended up at A&M Corpus, but i would be going to UTSA and this lady i work with, Gabrina, is like the head of a public relations organization and i would be set!and i know that this sounds weird... haha i'm crazy what can i say... but i really see myself being like a single mom, bustin ass, and makin is work. haha! but it's too late for that now, unfortunately. it's okay, it's just weird to hear everyone talk about starting families!
so i went to graduation on saturday and it wasn't bad. freddy's speech was alright and desire's intro ROCKED! so did the valedictorian's speech... you can DEFINITELY tell that they both had mr. pusateri as a teacher, you can always point out which students he had, he was a bad ass teacher. the spurs coyote spoke too and he had a lot of good things to say. i pulled a few inspirational things for myself from the speeches so it was good. one thing was that if you've had your heartbroken not to let that stop you from moving on and finding someone else... which is good because when i AM ready to date someone else, i'm pretty sure that i'm going to have MAJOR trust issues, so i will need to keep that advice in mind. it was so crazy to watch them walk the stage! like wow! i never even expected to see my own graduation, let alone '04 's graduation! haha. so it was good except for when roger walked across the stage.... i knew that i couldn't like yell for him, cuz that's not my job anymore, but it really sucked because heather was the one who got to yell for him, and after all these years that was supposed to be me. like damn... i know that it sounds dumb but it really did hit me pretty hard. like damn that was supposed to be me, i was the one who has been there for him through all his high school drama and chaos and i didn't even get to be a part of that., the most important day of his high school life i didn't even get to be a part of... that really sucks for me because he is in all my high school memories ( well not all but the BIGGEST ones). but ANYWAY.
so yeah, heather and michelle were sitting directly across from me but above me and i guess they had seen me already and i didn't notice them untill roger walked across but then i notice that they keepy looking at me, pointing, laughing. like DAMN! it really sucked. just like i mean it hurt enough that i'm not that girl anymore but it really felt like salt on wounds when they did that. but i'm bigger than that and i'm not going to say anything, it would just make everything worse. so i went and met with everyone afterwards and i saw everyone i wanted to see but freddy. i saw jake and ashley inside and then me and desi and candace and matt took some pictures. i saw roger, we made eye contact, and he looked TERRIFIED! haha! i guess i have that effect of people! haha. so i start thinking...should i say congrats or let him be. well i decided that if i didn't say anything i would regret it for the rest of my life so i sucked it up, tried to stop my nervousness, and walked right up to him and grabbed his arm. when he turned around he looked surprised and sad at the same time. i was just like "hey i just wanted to say congrats" and he gave me a hug. and it was a REALLY big, good hug. so good it almost made me cry. he was just like "thanks babe" and i told him to have fun that night and he was like "you're going to corpus right" and i said yeah... then candace grabbed my hand and i walked away. and that was that.
i didn't expect that response. when he hugged me it was like nothing had ever happened, like nothing was wrong, like we were still together and nothing could touch us.... but i let go first... cuz i know it isn't like that anymore and if i go blindly like that he will just try and get back with me and do it all over again. i didn't want him to call me babe because it broke my heart. i don' twant him to call me that because i''m not that girl to him anymore. that's what he calls his girlfriend... and i DON'T want him to talk to me the same way he talks to her cuz it breaks my heart. me and megan talked about this awhile back, cuz i guess tim calls her something that he use to call his ex and for some reason it's just really bothersome. but whatever. he looked so sad and i just paid no attention. i wonder how he knew i was going to corpus? who knows? i did come to the realization that this is probably pretty hard for him to... .i mean EVERYONE asks me about it all the time and i can only IMAGINE how he feels when they bring it up to him. haha cuz he just has to be like no, i don't talk to sam anymore cuz i'm an ass and cheated on her and i dont' have the balls to set things right! haha!
but anyway. i was happy that i sucked it up and was the bigger person because it made me feel a LOT better about the situation. Like now, if he never calls me... atleast it's not my fault, and i'm happier knowing that the last time we spoke was civil and somewhat meaningful. and he will always remember that i had the guts to be nice on his big day. so if we don't talk again, i mean it'll still hurt but atleast it's okay. i'm so happy that graduation is over because maybe now all my drama will cease. like when they walked across the stage i just felt like a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders, no one can understand. i mean, sure i'll still hear shit here and there, but no one will feel the obligation to break my heart with new rumors and news.
this is off topic but you know what really has been bothering me? the last time that me and roger saw eachother and we were still together things were SO perfect. like we just laid in my room wrapped in eachothers arms for hours... most of the time we didnt' even say anything, were were just there, just being, just being in love and being happy in the moment. you know, when you're with some one and things just seem to get fuzzy and you're filled with this warmth, and you're just happy, you're in love. haha me and rog use to call it "getting the fuzzies". like at first i had thought about it and i was like oh well tha'ts good because atleast the last time we spent together was perfect and meant something... but then i think about it and he was probably cheating on me already at that point, or atleast knew he was about too... and that makes that moment so insginificant. it's so strange how one moment can mean so much to one person and so little to another.
don't know what to think about it... but it hurts. but anyway
so after graduation i drove down to corpus for the weekend. it really, all in all, was not fun and things are going to be really different next year, it's already starting to change. i got there around 9 or so and we just chilled. lanna's friends from new mexico were in town : Devlin, Reese, Logan, Landon, and maybe one other person so she was like super stressed out and they all ended up going to the Joker's Wild.
lanna hardly said 10 words to me and she was really emotional. At first i thought it was kind of weird and then I realized that she has been doing X lately and that she is probably dealing with the aftermath of depression from it. or it could be the fact that she hasn't been sober since we got out of school.... it makes me really nervous because i don't wanta roomate who is doing X. i use to be SO addicted to it and i don't want to have the oppotunity to get it that easily. like me and megan and tim were talking about snorting X and i was like no guys i don't want to do that anymore, if i think about it you should tell me not too... then lo and behold lanna shows up like 10 minutes later and is like let's snort some X! mea nd megan just laughed! i didn't do it because she didnt' have ti on her but i honestly have no idea if i would've or not... .i mean sure it's like"one last time" but i don't want to do it and then start doing it again. x ruined my life for a very long time and i know that i will get hooked again. i just don't even want be around it cuz it makes me nervous. i know that everyone prolly thinks i'm overreacting or something but no one has any idea how fucked up i was from that. clinically it makes holes in your brain and after like 6 times you are supposed to be like legally insane or something! i don't know... i definitely surpassed the limit on nearly all psychadelics! and i am finally recovered from it... well for the most part... i'm sure that some synapses are still fried but it's been like almost 4 years since i've done it. i just know that i will get back on it hard core...and i don't want to do that again, i don't even want to be around it... so what do i do about lanna?
well we hung out at megan's all ngith and devlin, me, meg, and tim just stayed behind and chilled. gerrick came back over and me him adn devlin watched Ice Age... well i only watched like 10 minutes and passed out! haha!so when i woek up i went and laid out by the pool and once everyone got up we (me, meg, court, tim, and casey) went to the beach and cody and all them were out there so we just chilled with them. then we went home and got ready for the Perfect Circle concert! it was a bad ass concert! haha! there were like 20 of us just mobbin on the hill. it was a good concert and they are now one of my FAVORITE bands. it was so weird though cuz they have these spot lights that they flash into the crowd and at one point it flashed on me at the part in one song were he says " save you from yourself"! i was trippin! haha! how appropriate right! damn! the music was great. so when we came back we just chilled and went to bed. it was fun though, i had a good time at the concert.. a very memorable night. casey, Justin, and justin's girlfriend and her friends got back stage passes and got to go hang out with them! haha! tha'ts awesome! and we all thought casey wasn't even going to get to go! so let's see.
i came back on monday and went up to northcliff pool cuz brandon was up there and it was the first time i've seen hollie since i've been back. it's not her fault cuz i know she's busy but it's so weird that i haven't hung out with hardly anyone i consider close friends and i've just been chillin with people i barely know... strange. she was gonna come hang out at night but she was sad cuz i guess kyle left for school in oklahoma today so she wasn't really up for it.
well after that i went to brad wahl's cuz clayton called me and told me to come swimming over there and that they were bar b quing. so i show up and i'm chillin and chad says something about michelle and heather coming over! i was just like are you serious and i told clayton and he was like well i'll tell them not to come i dont 'even know heather and i know you and hse just won't come. so i could've been like yeah tell her not to come, but i didnt' want to be like that cuz i was the only girl and the guys need to be around girls so i was just like no it's cool, i don't want to cause drama and nothing is gonna go down so it's cool. so they walk in the back yard and michelle looks at heather and is like sams here!talk about uncomfortable! haha. swimming in a relatively small pool and eating dinner at a table WITHOUT making eye contact OR talking! it was the most awkward situation EVER!but they were both polite, even though heather only asked me where the trash was and that's about it. haha! but they both called me sam, unlike ROGER! damn him. but whatever. so i told them i would go hang out with them at night once they went over to chad's... and of course heather and michelle were going to be there too. uhg! so i went home and got ready and everything and went to chad's. but i left cuz i had to meet sherman and then i came back. michelle and heather showed up but i was on the phone tyring to find something for erica johnson or wahtever.... which i didn't want to do but james called so it was okay.
so i left again and went and picked up erica johnson and sarah cortez from andy's house. there were a some people over there like andy, ken, corbin, martin, lindsay?, lori klug....a few others. i know that no one likes lori but out of all those disrespectful ass girls she has ALWAYS been nice to me. everytime i see her she has always been cool... so i dont' have a prob with the girl, i kinda feel bad for her in a way. so erica and sarah go to travis reynold's with me and him, shane, nick, ashley shelley, julie, and courtney were there. so me, sarah, and erica, went for a cruise and they were really nice, we talked a lot and i guess i don't dislike them anymore.
we talked about the roger situation and they pretty much knew what was up. but they were talkin shit about him sayin he's snobby and shit and that it doesn't even seem like he likes heather because at school they would make eye contact and he would just walk right by her. that's really weird. like i guess i can see how they think he's snobby, i mean he's not but i see why they would think that, but i don't know why he would ignore his new girlfriend. maybe they were just saying that to make me feel better or soemthing.... i would actually feel bad if they were serious, cuz heather is going to get played, she just doestn' know it yet... sucks for her.
so i dropped them off and went back to chad's and we played drunken jenga! haha it wasn't too bad... got to kiss clayton=) haha! just a lil peck but hey... i had wanted to do that all through high school and i finally got it out of my system! haha, i dont' like him or anything, just part of the game, but his lips ARE nice haha! he's cool though, i'm glad we have started hanging out again. heather wasn't there when i got back, but michelle was. i find it a little easier to be okay with michelle when heather is not there. we didnt' talk much, cuz i still have a grudge i guess! but she wsa nice and all so it wasn't bad. i hadn't seen a lot of those people in a while, matt daniels, jodi garner, a lot of really random people. it was cool though, i had a good time and i actually got pretty drunk! haha! for once.
well we smoked and then ashley came and we chilled for awhile and then me and ashley left to go back to andy's. hah, we had fun over there even though we just ended up playing SCRABBLE! haha! very difficult game wehn you're drunk.. haha! but me and james were on a team and let me tell you do we know how to play some fuckin drunk scrabble! haha! we came up with all the good words like sex, and drugs, and things of that nature! haha leave it to me and james! i felt bad for ashley cuz she was the only sober one playing scrabble! haha her and andy were on a team! i don't know who won even cuz me and ashley had to go home around 2. haha!
but all in all it was a good night, aside from having to see heather. ya know, it's not even like i'm MAD at her. it's so weird. like in my heart i know it's not her fault, it's his. for all i know he lied and told her we were already broken up. it's more like, everytime i look at her, my heart breaks all over again. it's just like another reminder when i'm out trying to keep my mind off of him. i mean, i try so hard to stay busy and then i have to see her and then all the roger memories flood back to me and i'm just like DAMN, this girl is fucking roger! i think she knows, i dont' know if she knows that i'm hurt or if she thinks i'm pissed, but nonetheless, she has avoided contact so that is probably for the best ya know. it's not her fault, but it still fuckin hurts.... but anyway!
so bryan leaves for oklahoma in 2 1/2 weeks =( i can't BELIEVE that! what am i gonna do! i mean i guess it's not a big deal because he already lives in DEL RIO... but i just know that he's growing up and moving on with his life, which is a good thing. oklahoma is just REALLY far! haha. but i will make a roadtrip fo sho so i'm not too worried. just sad that i'll see him even less than i do now! haha
well dman i had a lot more to write, but it was prolly all about roger so i'll pass... but i did realize today that i havne't cried in a while over him, so i guess it's good! gotta go i love you!
well.... firday night what did i do? oh... i went and visited pookie, then cruised with ashley shelley (chance)and julie brown. then i went over and chilled with blaine for a bit. i should've gone to the movies with birdwell and some of his friends but i had promised james i would go to a party at audreys. but they moved the party to jason maples and i didn't fell like goin out there. so i just went to be kinda early.
yeah so i talked to ashley chance-shelley and she is doing good. she said she talks to daniel a lot and that when he gets back they want to start having kids! wow! it's so crazy to me that everyone is starting to have kids and start families... and i'm supposed to have one =( well, it doesn't necessarily make me sad persay...i just always wonder how things would be. i mean, i know that it's good because i would be all on my own doing it but now that i look back i really think i could've done it. i mean, i probably wouldn't have ended up at A&M Corpus, but i would be going to UTSA and this lady i work with, Gabrina, is like the head of a public relations organization and i would be set!and i know that this sounds weird... haha i'm crazy what can i say... but i really see myself being like a single mom, bustin ass, and makin is work. haha! but it's too late for that now, unfortunately. it's okay, it's just weird to hear everyone talk about starting families!
so i went to graduation on saturday and it wasn't bad. freddy's speech was alright and desire's intro ROCKED! so did the valedictorian's speech... you can DEFINITELY tell that they both had mr. pusateri as a teacher, you can always point out which students he had, he was a bad ass teacher. the spurs coyote spoke too and he had a lot of good things to say. i pulled a few inspirational things for myself from the speeches so it was good. one thing was that if you've had your heartbroken not to let that stop you from moving on and finding someone else... which is good because when i AM ready to date someone else, i'm pretty sure that i'm going to have MAJOR trust issues, so i will need to keep that advice in mind. it was so crazy to watch them walk the stage! like wow! i never even expected to see my own graduation, let alone '04 's graduation! haha. so it was good except for when roger walked across the stage.... i knew that i couldn't like yell for him, cuz that's not my job anymore, but it really sucked because heather was the one who got to yell for him, and after all these years that was supposed to be me. like damn... i know that it sounds dumb but it really did hit me pretty hard. like damn that was supposed to be me, i was the one who has been there for him through all his high school drama and chaos and i didn't even get to be a part of that., the most important day of his high school life i didn't even get to be a part of... that really sucks for me because he is in all my high school memories ( well not all but the BIGGEST ones). but ANYWAY.
so yeah, heather and michelle were sitting directly across from me but above me and i guess they had seen me already and i didn't notice them untill roger walked across but then i notice that they keepy looking at me, pointing, laughing. like DAMN! it really sucked. just like i mean it hurt enough that i'm not that girl anymore but it really felt like salt on wounds when they did that. but i'm bigger than that and i'm not going to say anything, it would just make everything worse. so i went and met with everyone afterwards and i saw everyone i wanted to see but freddy. i saw jake and ashley inside and then me and desi and candace and matt took some pictures. i saw roger, we made eye contact, and he looked TERRIFIED! haha! i guess i have that effect of people! haha. so i start thinking...should i say congrats or let him be. well i decided that if i didn't say anything i would regret it for the rest of my life so i sucked it up, tried to stop my nervousness, and walked right up to him and grabbed his arm. when he turned around he looked surprised and sad at the same time. i was just like "hey i just wanted to say congrats" and he gave me a hug. and it was a REALLY big, good hug. so good it almost made me cry. he was just like "thanks babe" and i told him to have fun that night and he was like "you're going to corpus right" and i said yeah... then candace grabbed my hand and i walked away. and that was that.
i didn't expect that response. when he hugged me it was like nothing had ever happened, like nothing was wrong, like we were still together and nothing could touch us.... but i let go first... cuz i know it isn't like that anymore and if i go blindly like that he will just try and get back with me and do it all over again. i didn't want him to call me babe because it broke my heart. i don' twant him to call me that because i''m not that girl to him anymore. that's what he calls his girlfriend... and i DON'T want him to talk to me the same way he talks to her cuz it breaks my heart. me and megan talked about this awhile back, cuz i guess tim calls her something that he use to call his ex and for some reason it's just really bothersome. but whatever. he looked so sad and i just paid no attention. i wonder how he knew i was going to corpus? who knows? i did come to the realization that this is probably pretty hard for him to... .i mean EVERYONE asks me about it all the time and i can only IMAGINE how he feels when they bring it up to him. haha cuz he just has to be like no, i don't talk to sam anymore cuz i'm an ass and cheated on her and i dont' have the balls to set things right! haha!
but anyway. i was happy that i sucked it up and was the bigger person because it made me feel a LOT better about the situation. Like now, if he never calls me... atleast it's not my fault, and i'm happier knowing that the last time we spoke was civil and somewhat meaningful. and he will always remember that i had the guts to be nice on his big day. so if we don't talk again, i mean it'll still hurt but atleast it's okay. i'm so happy that graduation is over because maybe now all my drama will cease. like when they walked across the stage i just felt like a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders, no one can understand. i mean, sure i'll still hear shit here and there, but no one will feel the obligation to break my heart with new rumors and news.
this is off topic but you know what really has been bothering me? the last time that me and roger saw eachother and we were still together things were SO perfect. like we just laid in my room wrapped in eachothers arms for hours... most of the time we didnt' even say anything, were were just there, just being, just being in love and being happy in the moment. you know, when you're with some one and things just seem to get fuzzy and you're filled with this warmth, and you're just happy, you're in love. haha me and rog use to call it "getting the fuzzies". like at first i had thought about it and i was like oh well tha'ts good because atleast the last time we spent together was perfect and meant something... but then i think about it and he was probably cheating on me already at that point, or atleast knew he was about too... and that makes that moment so insginificant. it's so strange how one moment can mean so much to one person and so little to another.
don't know what to think about it... but it hurts. but anyway
so after graduation i drove down to corpus for the weekend. it really, all in all, was not fun and things are going to be really different next year, it's already starting to change. i got there around 9 or so and we just chilled. lanna's friends from new mexico were in town : Devlin, Reese, Logan, Landon, and maybe one other person so she was like super stressed out and they all ended up going to the Joker's Wild.
lanna hardly said 10 words to me and she was really emotional. At first i thought it was kind of weird and then I realized that she has been doing X lately and that she is probably dealing with the aftermath of depression from it. or it could be the fact that she hasn't been sober since we got out of school.... it makes me really nervous because i don't wanta roomate who is doing X. i use to be SO addicted to it and i don't want to have the oppotunity to get it that easily. like me and megan and tim were talking about snorting X and i was like no guys i don't want to do that anymore, if i think about it you should tell me not too... then lo and behold lanna shows up like 10 minutes later and is like let's snort some X! mea nd megan just laughed! i didn't do it because she didnt' have ti on her but i honestly have no idea if i would've or not... .i mean sure it's like"one last time" but i don't want to do it and then start doing it again. x ruined my life for a very long time and i know that i will get hooked again. i just don't even want be around it cuz it makes me nervous. i know that everyone prolly thinks i'm overreacting or something but no one has any idea how fucked up i was from that. clinically it makes holes in your brain and after like 6 times you are supposed to be like legally insane or something! i don't know... i definitely surpassed the limit on nearly all psychadelics! and i am finally recovered from it... well for the most part... i'm sure that some synapses are still fried but it's been like almost 4 years since i've done it. i just know that i will get back on it hard core...and i don't want to do that again, i don't even want to be around it... so what do i do about lanna?
well we hung out at megan's all ngith and devlin, me, meg, and tim just stayed behind and chilled. gerrick came back over and me him adn devlin watched Ice Age... well i only watched like 10 minutes and passed out! haha!so when i woek up i went and laid out by the pool and once everyone got up we (me, meg, court, tim, and casey) went to the beach and cody and all them were out there so we just chilled with them. then we went home and got ready for the Perfect Circle concert! it was a bad ass concert! haha! there were like 20 of us just mobbin on the hill. it was a good concert and they are now one of my FAVORITE bands. it was so weird though cuz they have these spot lights that they flash into the crowd and at one point it flashed on me at the part in one song were he says " save you from yourself"! i was trippin! haha! how appropriate right! damn! the music was great. so when we came back we just chilled and went to bed. it was fun though, i had a good time at the concert.. a very memorable night. casey, Justin, and justin's girlfriend and her friends got back stage passes and got to go hang out with them! haha! tha'ts awesome! and we all thought casey wasn't even going to get to go! so let's see.
i came back on monday and went up to northcliff pool cuz brandon was up there and it was the first time i've seen hollie since i've been back. it's not her fault cuz i know she's busy but it's so weird that i haven't hung out with hardly anyone i consider close friends and i've just been chillin with people i barely know... strange. she was gonna come hang out at night but she was sad cuz i guess kyle left for school in oklahoma today so she wasn't really up for it.
well after that i went to brad wahl's cuz clayton called me and told me to come swimming over there and that they were bar b quing. so i show up and i'm chillin and chad says something about michelle and heather coming over! i was just like are you serious and i told clayton and he was like well i'll tell them not to come i dont 'even know heather and i know you and hse just won't come. so i could've been like yeah tell her not to come, but i didnt' want to be like that cuz i was the only girl and the guys need to be around girls so i was just like no it's cool, i don't want to cause drama and nothing is gonna go down so it's cool. so they walk in the back yard and michelle looks at heather and is like sams here!talk about uncomfortable! haha. swimming in a relatively small pool and eating dinner at a table WITHOUT making eye contact OR talking! it was the most awkward situation EVER!but they were both polite, even though heather only asked me where the trash was and that's about it. haha! but they both called me sam, unlike ROGER! damn him. but whatever. so i told them i would go hang out with them at night once they went over to chad's... and of course heather and michelle were going to be there too. uhg! so i went home and got ready and everything and went to chad's. but i left cuz i had to meet sherman and then i came back. michelle and heather showed up but i was on the phone tyring to find something for erica johnson or wahtever.... which i didn't want to do but james called so it was okay.
so i left again and went and picked up erica johnson and sarah cortez from andy's house. there were a some people over there like andy, ken, corbin, martin, lindsay?, lori klug....a few others. i know that no one likes lori but out of all those disrespectful ass girls she has ALWAYS been nice to me. everytime i see her she has always been cool... so i dont' have a prob with the girl, i kinda feel bad for her in a way. so erica and sarah go to travis reynold's with me and him, shane, nick, ashley shelley, julie, and courtney were there. so me, sarah, and erica, went for a cruise and they were really nice, we talked a lot and i guess i don't dislike them anymore.
we talked about the roger situation and they pretty much knew what was up. but they were talkin shit about him sayin he's snobby and shit and that it doesn't even seem like he likes heather because at school they would make eye contact and he would just walk right by her. that's really weird. like i guess i can see how they think he's snobby, i mean he's not but i see why they would think that, but i don't know why he would ignore his new girlfriend. maybe they were just saying that to make me feel better or soemthing.... i would actually feel bad if they were serious, cuz heather is going to get played, she just doestn' know it yet... sucks for her.
so i dropped them off and went back to chad's and we played drunken jenga! haha it wasn't too bad... got to kiss clayton=) haha! just a lil peck but hey... i had wanted to do that all through high school and i finally got it out of my system! haha, i dont' like him or anything, just part of the game, but his lips ARE nice haha! he's cool though, i'm glad we have started hanging out again. heather wasn't there when i got back, but michelle was. i find it a little easier to be okay with michelle when heather is not there. we didnt' talk much, cuz i still have a grudge i guess! but she wsa nice and all so it wasn't bad. i hadn't seen a lot of those people in a while, matt daniels, jodi garner, a lot of really random people. it was cool though, i had a good time and i actually got pretty drunk! haha! for once.
well we smoked and then ashley came and we chilled for awhile and then me and ashley left to go back to andy's. hah, we had fun over there even though we just ended up playing SCRABBLE! haha! very difficult game wehn you're drunk.. haha! but me and james were on a team and let me tell you do we know how to play some fuckin drunk scrabble! haha! we came up with all the good words like sex, and drugs, and things of that nature! haha leave it to me and james! i felt bad for ashley cuz she was the only sober one playing scrabble! haha her and andy were on a team! i don't know who won even cuz me and ashley had to go home around 2. haha!
but all in all it was a good night, aside from having to see heather. ya know, it's not even like i'm MAD at her. it's so weird. like in my heart i know it's not her fault, it's his. for all i know he lied and told her we were already broken up. it's more like, everytime i look at her, my heart breaks all over again. it's just like another reminder when i'm out trying to keep my mind off of him. i mean, i try so hard to stay busy and then i have to see her and then all the roger memories flood back to me and i'm just like DAMN, this girl is fucking roger! i think she knows, i dont' know if she knows that i'm hurt or if she thinks i'm pissed, but nonetheless, she has avoided contact so that is probably for the best ya know. it's not her fault, but it still fuckin hurts.... but anyway!
so bryan leaves for oklahoma in 2 1/2 weeks =( i can't BELIEVE that! what am i gonna do! i mean i guess it's not a big deal because he already lives in DEL RIO... but i just know that he's growing up and moving on with his life, which is a good thing. oklahoma is just REALLY far! haha. but i will make a roadtrip fo sho so i'm not too worried. just sad that i'll see him even less than i do now! haha
well dman i had a lot more to write, but it was prolly all about roger so i'll pass... but i did realize today that i havne't cried in a while over him, so i guess it's good! gotta go i love you!