Day 6 in hell ( i think anyway).
well i will write about last night but right now i can't get roger off of my mind. =( he keeps giving ashley and candace shit about being friends with me and i don't see why it even matters now that we are done. by pestering them he is preventing our relationship from fading into the past. now, maybe it's already faded to him, but by the way that he keeps talking down to some people, i don' tthink that it has. But he has a girlfriend now and he can't do that. he can't talk shit to candace about where she chooses to go to school. she applied to A&M before we ever even met or became friends. i haven't cried in days over this and i was being strong and i have had a lot of fun on my own and all.... but it still breaks my heart that it had to end like this... it couldn't even end civillay. deep in my heart, i know that atleast at one point in time roger did love me very much and i know that i broke his heart into pieces for a brief period of time, and i'm not using what had happened as an excuse, but i did have a reason behind my freaking out. i mean who wouldn't freak out after ________ __ _________. i know that in his heart he knows that i was the best girlfriend and that he knows i was the best for him... but it was just time for him to move on i guess. but why couldn't he just tell me. i know that he will always remember me, he lost his virginity to me, and i know that that will stay with him... but it still hurts that he doens't have the decency to be a man and come at me with a mature approach. i mean he could've said anything... he couldn've blamed it on the distance, or school, or famiyl, or being too busy, or for Christ sake he could've jsut said he wanted to date other people, i'm a fuckin adult, and i could've handled that. what i cna't handle are these childish games. i won't call him because it's my pride and i know that people always say that pride is bad but damn i can't get down on my knees and beg, i won't do that, and calling him first is doing that. i can't stop the tears from filling up my eyes. i really did love him, how could he do this? how could he just walk away with nothing, not even a goodbye. i know that he realizes he fucked up, i know he realizes this whole situation is his own fault, but he doesn't want to take responsibility for it. my heart is so broken. "all i wanted is a lousy letter or a call" .... it jsut, it ended so abruptly. and the thing is is that he doesn't care enough to talk to me. he cares enough to berate candace but not enough to suck it up and say goodbye for real... not just end in silence.it makes my head hurt. why can't he just call, just once to say goodbye. i don't want it to end with that fight. i want it to end somewhat peacefully so i won't torture myself everynight. in my heart, i know that i am better than heather, i knwo that she is cool and all, but i know that i am better and i know that there isnt' anything wrong with me and that htis time, it's not my fualt that we are done. and in years he is going to look back and be like " damn, samantha really loved me" and he is going to feel horrible, atleast i hope that is what happens. wish i could just give him a little piece of my pain and then i know he wouldn't do this to me.. not like this anyway. at my party i told a few old friends the situation and they were in disbelief. i'm not beng cocky or stuch up or whatever, but everyone know that i am a fuckin cool chick and that i was SO faithful to Roger after we got back together after the first fight, and no one can understand how he did me so wrong. my guys friends were all contemplating whoopin his ass, which i would love to see but i'm not going to instigate that, though if i saw him personally i would hit him right in the fuckin face, like i am torn in half. one part of me keeps thinking of all these witty remarks and shit talking dialogues that i would like to say to him, but part of me just wants to break down and cry at the mention of talking to him. okay i'm done rantng about roger for now... he is being a dick to candace and somewhat to ashley and i don't appreciat eit, and it also disturbs me that he will talk to them and not to me. well i was going to tell you about my party but i've only had 4 hours of sleep and i'm tired. goodnight!