The one where I finally mention 3 of the elephants in the room.
I just went through a month’s worth of email, cutting and pasting bits of interest for a big Entertainments entry. The last paste crashed Word and I lost it all. I could reconstruct it of course. I have Google mail so ‘move to trash’ does not mean delete. I’m just not sure I want to do the work again.
Today has been strange and dissatisfying. R- took the day off work. The weather was stunning for late October. I finally feel physically fine. No one bugged me. And yet… I can’t say it was a bad day.
1
Not long ago someone here in lj warned me that television can worsen depression. I know that to be true. Especially these days. Most of the lost hours I referenced yesterday were sucked up by the boob tube.
It’s just that knowing something to be true and using the knowledge of a truth are two very different things. I almost always know what I’m doing wrong and what I should be doing to correct problems. I simply lack the will or energy to take all the right steps to effect an improvement. Maybe because there are so many damn steps. Successfully tending to some of my needs doesn’t work. In order to feel good -firmly and reliably good anyway- I must have the house, finances, animals and schedules properly tended. I must be well groomed and nourished. I must have the “right” balance of social and personal time. Worse than all that though is my need to have all the members of my family and, to a lesser extent, all of my friends, functioning at top level.
2
I hate that my husband drains me. I’ve known for a long time that we don’t work well together. I’ve suspected for a long time that he distracts me from whatever work I’m supposed to be doing. I am starting to believe that it goes deeper than that. Or that the concept of teamwork and mutual support is far more important to me than I realized. I love him so much. I like him too. I’m absolutely confident that he adores me. He’s a good man. I respect his innate intelligence and I appreciate his sense of humor. I’m just having trouble actually living with him.
I am at my best when I’m not with him. I feel more energetic and confident. I get more done. I feel more capable. And I don’t know what to do about it. I actually fantasize about living apart and having a torrid affair … with him. I don’t want anyone else.
I suppose it comes down to wanting to be alone. I’m a pretty good amateur shrink. (Especially when it comes to what makes me tick.) I know this probably stems from my history. I’ve never been alone. I got pregnant while I still lived in my mother’s house. I “moved” into a lovely basement apartment in her house to have my baby. I continued to share various sections of that house with her, and with a parade of room mates … and a husband(!) until my daughter was three or four. (It still freaks me out that I had a husband other than R-. I forget for months at a time that there was anything before R- .) By the time I finally moved out, into an efficiency apartment two blocks away, I was already exclusive with my real husband. Within a year we married.
It’s all so trite. I haven’t been writing here, or anywhere, because I got tired of my own voice again. I’m thirty-eight(?) and I’m still dealing with the same old shit.
3
Here’s a good one for you: An ex-lover sold her first book. She will publish in the new year. I’m genuinely happy for her but I feel paralyzed. The relationship ended because of me. I don’t mean to say that I broke up with her … there was never an official breakup, just a gradual loss of communication. I feel a great deal of guilt about it all. Only the strongest people can maintain a relationship with me. I’m too erratic, careless and self-obsessed to be good at friendship. (That’s a nod out to Mz D-, Mz K- and my R-.)
Anyway. (See the self-obsession?) C- deserves something from me … I just can’t seem to figure out what. And I can’t shake the feeling that I should leave it alone so as to avoid causing any damage. To anyone. It's just too late to salvage a real relationship. She keeps so much of herself to herself. She’s self-possessed and self-effacing. ‘Self-protective I guess--which is probably very smart in light of my inconsistent tendencies but not so great for her. I don’t know if anyone, including her adoring husband, really knows her. Clearly I have some unresolved issues and that complicates this fantastic happening. I must acknowledge her success but I fear that I’ll seem to be taking an interest only because of the book. Or that I’m using the book as an excuse to stir up that which shouldn’t be stirred. If I don’t make some kind of effort, she may think me uncaring or jealous. The truth, of course, is that I care a great deal and I am envious but not jealous. Mostly, I am very, very impressed.
I don’t know what to do with myself now. Good Lord it’s 3:30. I can’t have another day like today. First, I will sleep. (Not tired.) Then I will wake and engage with my life. Please.
Today has been strange and dissatisfying. R- took the day off work. The weather was stunning for late October. I finally feel physically fine. No one bugged me. And yet… I can’t say it was a bad day.
1
Not long ago someone here in lj warned me that television can worsen depression. I know that to be true. Especially these days. Most of the lost hours I referenced yesterday were sucked up by the boob tube.
It’s just that knowing something to be true and using the knowledge of a truth are two very different things. I almost always know what I’m doing wrong and what I should be doing to correct problems. I simply lack the will or energy to take all the right steps to effect an improvement. Maybe because there are so many damn steps. Successfully tending to some of my needs doesn’t work. In order to feel good -firmly and reliably good anyway- I must have the house, finances, animals and schedules properly tended. I must be well groomed and nourished. I must have the “right” balance of social and personal time. Worse than all that though is my need to have all the members of my family and, to a lesser extent, all of my friends, functioning at top level.
2
I hate that my husband drains me. I’ve known for a long time that we don’t work well together. I’ve suspected for a long time that he distracts me from whatever work I’m supposed to be doing. I am starting to believe that it goes deeper than that. Or that the concept of teamwork and mutual support is far more important to me than I realized. I love him so much. I like him too. I’m absolutely confident that he adores me. He’s a good man. I respect his innate intelligence and I appreciate his sense of humor. I’m just having trouble actually living with him.
I am at my best when I’m not with him. I feel more energetic and confident. I get more done. I feel more capable. And I don’t know what to do about it. I actually fantasize about living apart and having a torrid affair … with him. I don’t want anyone else.
I suppose it comes down to wanting to be alone. I’m a pretty good amateur shrink. (Especially when it comes to what makes me tick.) I know this probably stems from my history. I’ve never been alone. I got pregnant while I still lived in my mother’s house. I “moved” into a lovely basement apartment in her house to have my baby. I continued to share various sections of that house with her, and with a parade of room mates … and a husband(!) until my daughter was three or four. (It still freaks me out that I had a husband other than R-. I forget for months at a time that there was anything before R- .) By the time I finally moved out, into an efficiency apartment two blocks away, I was already exclusive with my real husband. Within a year we married.
It’s all so trite. I haven’t been writing here, or anywhere, because I got tired of my own voice again. I’m thirty-eight(?) and I’m still dealing with the same old shit.
3
Here’s a good one for you: An ex-lover sold her first book. She will publish in the new year. I’m genuinely happy for her but I feel paralyzed. The relationship ended because of me. I don’t mean to say that I broke up with her … there was never an official breakup, just a gradual loss of communication. I feel a great deal of guilt about it all. Only the strongest people can maintain a relationship with me. I’m too erratic, careless and self-obsessed to be good at friendship. (That’s a nod out to Mz D-, Mz K- and my R-.)
Anyway. (See the self-obsession?) C- deserves something from me … I just can’t seem to figure out what. And I can’t shake the feeling that I should leave it alone so as to avoid causing any damage. To anyone. It's just too late to salvage a real relationship. She keeps so much of herself to herself. She’s self-possessed and self-effacing. ‘Self-protective I guess--which is probably very smart in light of my inconsistent tendencies but not so great for her. I don’t know if anyone, including her adoring husband, really knows her. Clearly I have some unresolved issues and that complicates this fantastic happening. I must acknowledge her success but I fear that I’ll seem to be taking an interest only because of the book. Or that I’m using the book as an excuse to stir up that which shouldn’t be stirred. If I don’t make some kind of effort, she may think me uncaring or jealous. The truth, of course, is that I care a great deal and I am envious but not jealous. Mostly, I am very, very impressed.
I don’t know what to do with myself now. Good Lord it’s 3:30. I can’t have another day like today. First, I will sleep. (Not tired.) Then I will wake and engage with my life. Please.