Oneshot, KyoxGara
Title: Numb
Bands: Dir en grey, Merry, MUCC & Daisuke to Kuro no Injatachi
Pairing: KyoxGara, hints of TatsurouxDaisuke
Theme: #05. Anger (For 50stories)
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: ~2,020
Disclaimer: They don’t belong to me, I’m making no money out of this, nor do I claim any of it to be true.
Warning: This story deals with Daisuke's death. If you're not sure you can handle this, or if you feel offended by me writing a story about it, then you'd better not read this.
Summary: He can’t help the frustration flowing through him as waves that cover up the pain he’s feeling inside.
XXX
If I kiss you where it’s sore
If I kiss you where it’s sore
Will you feel better, better, better…
Will you feel anything at all?
(Regina Spektor - Better)
XXX
Numb
XXX
Kyo brushes his lips against Gara’s forehead and rests his face against the other’s. It’s no less than that, but it’s no more, either. Gara tenses up, Kyo sees the way his fingers fold into a fist for a brief second before they’re stretched out against those thin pair of thighs again.
He takes a deep breath, tries to think of something, but everything sounds stupid and useless in his mind. This is not the moment to talk - that’s no news coming from him, but this is, really, not the moment to talk. He knows that, and he believes Gara does so, too.
However… Why does Gara look so angry? They’re all stressed, they’re all frustrated and sad and somewhat angry at what happened, Kyo recognizes his own rage burning inside, because this is so unfair and fucked up and Daisuke was such and idiot, really. What bothers him, though, is that Gara’s anger seems to be directed at him. He’s had that impression for the last few days, ever since they found out that one of their best friends...
Kyo closes his eyes and refrains himself from thinking beyond that. He doesn’t want to deal with reality as raw and cruel as it is right now, and maybe that’s why he’s still so angry at Daisuke for leaving them all like that. He knows that it’s not as if the other vocalist had wanted it, but he can’t help the frustration flowing through him as waves that cover up the pain he’s feeling inside.
Now, this kind of anger he can understand. He actually expects it from Gara, just as he wasn’t surprised when Tatsurou almost punched some guy for hinting that maybe Daisuke had really wanted to end things this way. It’s a possibility, another thought Kyo holds at bay and tries not to muse on for too long. If it’s true or not, it’s unlikely they’ll ever know-although Kyo has some theories as to why Daisuke would have the guts to do that, he still understands Tatsurou’s anger. They’ve all lost a dear one, a long time friend, but Tatsurou’s loss is the same as much as it is different from theirs. Kyo wonders if he would react the same way if he were to lose Gara, but this is definitely the kind of thought he hates himself for having.
He sighs, looks at Gara and tries to read beyond the anger. This should be easy, they are used to communicating without words-but this time around, Kyo has some difficulty figuring the other out. For one, Gara is not looking at him-it seems there’s something very interesting about their pairs of slippers on the floor, or the couch where they’re sitting, or the coffee table in front of them. Secondly, Kyo knows the other usually pulls his knees to his chest as a way to better hide his expression when he’s upset. It’s his way of silently telling other people to fuck off and leave him alone; because he won’t talk about whatever it is that stirred the crab inside of him-and he's not doing that now. Third, he’s not wearing a permanent scowl, most of the time he’s had a blank look on his face that also worries Kyo. It doesn’t add up-if Gara was angry at him for real, he would have given better signs, albeit unconsciously.
“What is it?”
Gara moves his head to look at him so suddenly that Kyo is surprised, though no more than the other, judging by the look on his face. The temporary confusion makes Kyo frown, and once again it’s no more than Gara, who draws his eyebrows together as if wanting to form one sole line across his own face. Then Kyo realizes he’s actually spoken those three words aloud instead of just quietly wondering to himself, and he has a hard time weighing what to say next as fast as he can.
He finally settles down on being honest. This is Gara, after all.
“Do you want me to go away?”
The words ring between them and Kyo hears his own voice like an alarm going off-this is not what he wanted to say, but it’s what he needed to and almost wouldn’t dare. Gara stiffens whenever he tries to touch him; they’ve been mostly silent around each other for half a fucking week and-they’re supposed to be supporting one another, to be helping each other heal... Instead, there’s this hurt that Kyo notices on the corner of the other’s eyes, the desperate way with which he tries to hide the beginning of a breakdown, teeth biting into the lower lip to hold his chin still…
Kyo wants to hit himself so hard he might as well break the coffee table with his head jamming into it. That’s not the right question. Perhaps a necessary one, but far from being what Gara needs to hear. At least he knows he hasn’t kept the other company in vain or, even worse, against Gara’s own will.
But what is it?
“Gara…” he breathes his name, frustration unavoidably revealed through the air leaving his lungs, but then-maybe there’s something else to the way he said the younger one’s name, he doesn’t know, but what matters is Gara swallowing everything down and looking into his eyes. Really looking into them.
“You know I haven’t…” his voice breaks and he breathes almost viciously, as if blaming the air for the burn in his eyes. He shakes his head in a particular way Kyo’s seen him doing when Gara is angry for disagreeing with his own thoughts, but it doesn’t make sense-Gara’s angry at himself? Kyo doesn’t have time to question that, though, for the following statement cuts into him first. “I need to… I need to cry because of him, Kyo… but I can’t.”
But you-you look like you’re about to, and you’re not letting yourself do it-
Gara rubs at his eyes and covers his face. He remains still like that for a few seconds, or a lot, an eternity, and Kyo tries to read him once more. He needs to understand Gara, he needs to know what to do or what to say; he needs to help him.
Kyo moves his head almost imperceptively, arguing with himself, until he decides to just reach out and try to ged hold of Gara’s hands-
And Gara yanks his hands free as if struck by his touch. Kyo’s eyes widen-this has never happened before and he feels betrayed by Gara’s reaction. He doesn’t acknowledge the pain building in his chest, though; he’s still more preoccupied with Gara than anything else.
Gara has stood up from the couch and his fingers are now yanking at his hair. Kyo is reminded of Daisuke’s antics and how the brunette used to do exactly that in so many occasions, be them extreme or random ones. It’s his turn to press his lips together and keep the walls as hard as they’ve always been.
“I’m so selfish…”
It’s a soft, sheepish mumble, and for a moment Kyo doubts that’s what Gara really said, but then the taller vocalist is moving his head from side to side as if reprimanding himself, and the words come out again, voice a little louder, the anger not so beneath the surface.
“Your hands are cold, Kyo…” he says, and it sounds as if he’s trying to explain himself. Kyo realizes that’s exactly what Gara's doing, though he doesn’t know if he should be offended or dumbstruck for that remark. However, when Gara turns around to face him again, he just waits, because that look is almost too much for him to take. “Your hands are cold…” he repeats as he sits beside Kyo. He takes one cold hand between his even colder ones, and Kyo tries to conceal just how much the desperation in those eyes are affecting him. “Your lips are cold, too… I’m so cold…”
And then it hits him-
“Gara…”
-but Gara is not listening. He’s looking at their entwined hands as if those held the answer to everything, which in fact would be nice because that’s what Kyo’s thinking right now.
Kyo moves his free hand up, cold fingers coming to slide along the lines of Gara’s left cheek. Gara squeezes his other hand, and for once Kyo doesn’t care if that’s asking him to stop or if it’s a sign that he’s doing the right thing-he used to be sure about this kind of stuff, but he has to somehow make Gara feel warm, thus now is not the time to concentrate on having rational thoughts.
His thumb draws an invisible curve under one eye and then his fingers move further, through Gara’s hair and slowly pulling the dark strands. It’s almost as if he’s moving in slow motion, and Gara shivers ever so slightly when his hair starts falling from Kyo’s fingers and then back around his face, little by little.
“You’re cold,” Kyo’s voice is but a soft whisper, and Gara nods; Kyo feels like they’re about to understand each other again. “You and I… it seems we can’t cry because of that idiot, right?”
Gara’s breath is half a soundless cry and half a strangled laugh, and Kyo knows, he just knows this has everything to do with them feeling numb, empty, overwhelmed, alone, sad and angry and cold.
“Why would that make you selfish, Gara?”
He starts raking his fingers through the other’s hair again, pulls and pushes and messes it all up, all the time moving as if this was a whole new experiment that demanded him to be careful and thus feel as if time didn’t exist. They’re cold, and they’re slow, and they’re looking into each other’s eyes again. Kyo swallows; Gara’s despair is covered by some kind of unexpected acceptance that undermines his thoughts once more.
“It feels like I’m dead, Kyo… I don’t want to feel like this, but at the same time… you know these stupid wishes we have sometimes, just because we think things could be different if… if only…” he trails off, but Kyo doesn’t need to hear the rest. He doesn’t want to, either.
“You’re not dead. You’re not going to die. You don’t wish Daisuke hadn’t done this or that, I know you don’t, you just can’t accept this yet.” The vehemence in his voice makes Gara go very still, and Kyo nods to himself, pleased to notice they seem to be making some sense out of this. “I’ve had those thoughts myself, Gara… we just need a little time.”
Gara doesn’t answer, at least not in words. He does seem to lean into Kyo’s personal space, though, as if silently asking for something, and Kyo would smile if he could, if it were appropriate. Instead, he slowly unfolds his hand from between Gara’s ones and moves ten digits through his scalp, fingernails gently raking through that brown mane. Gara moves a little closer, the air between them gradually shifts, and Kyo’s fingers don’t feel as cold as they did a minute ago.
Kyo’s the one to dive in and hold their lips together for a second, unhurriedly ruffling his hair even more, the strokes as soft as feathers falling on Gara’s head.
I need to feel alive.
Kyo doesn’t know if that’s his own truth coming to the surface or if that’s what he got from Gara’s body language-maybe it’s both, because they’re certainly sharing something now, in their own silent way.
I need to feel that you’re alive, too.
Gara’s fingers close around the hem of his shirt and Kyo feels the warmth through the fabric, as well as the building determination in the lips that press against his own. The tongue to meet his is hot and firm and slow, as lazy as the warmth emerging between and through them.
When Kyo opens one eye to peek at Gara, the frown has temporarily disappeared, as well as the stiffness in his body.
They’re moving, and they’re trying, and they’re slow because they’re alive.
XXX
To read my other fics, click here.
Bands: Dir en grey, Merry, MUCC & Daisuke to Kuro no Injatachi
Pairing: KyoxGara, hints of TatsurouxDaisuke
Theme: #05. Anger (For 50stories)
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: ~2,020
Disclaimer: They don’t belong to me, I’m making no money out of this, nor do I claim any of it to be true.
Warning: This story deals with Daisuke's death. If you're not sure you can handle this, or if you feel offended by me writing a story about it, then you'd better not read this.
Summary: He can’t help the frustration flowing through him as waves that cover up the pain he’s feeling inside.
XXX
If I kiss you where it’s sore
If I kiss you where it’s sore
Will you feel better, better, better…
Will you feel anything at all?
(Regina Spektor - Better)
XXX
Numb
XXX
Kyo brushes his lips against Gara’s forehead and rests his face against the other’s. It’s no less than that, but it’s no more, either. Gara tenses up, Kyo sees the way his fingers fold into a fist for a brief second before they’re stretched out against those thin pair of thighs again.
He takes a deep breath, tries to think of something, but everything sounds stupid and useless in his mind. This is not the moment to talk - that’s no news coming from him, but this is, really, not the moment to talk. He knows that, and he believes Gara does so, too.
However… Why does Gara look so angry? They’re all stressed, they’re all frustrated and sad and somewhat angry at what happened, Kyo recognizes his own rage burning inside, because this is so unfair and fucked up and Daisuke was such and idiot, really. What bothers him, though, is that Gara’s anger seems to be directed at him. He’s had that impression for the last few days, ever since they found out that one of their best friends...
Kyo closes his eyes and refrains himself from thinking beyond that. He doesn’t want to deal with reality as raw and cruel as it is right now, and maybe that’s why he’s still so angry at Daisuke for leaving them all like that. He knows that it’s not as if the other vocalist had wanted it, but he can’t help the frustration flowing through him as waves that cover up the pain he’s feeling inside.
Now, this kind of anger he can understand. He actually expects it from Gara, just as he wasn’t surprised when Tatsurou almost punched some guy for hinting that maybe Daisuke had really wanted to end things this way. It’s a possibility, another thought Kyo holds at bay and tries not to muse on for too long. If it’s true or not, it’s unlikely they’ll ever know-although Kyo has some theories as to why Daisuke would have the guts to do that, he still understands Tatsurou’s anger. They’ve all lost a dear one, a long time friend, but Tatsurou’s loss is the same as much as it is different from theirs. Kyo wonders if he would react the same way if he were to lose Gara, but this is definitely the kind of thought he hates himself for having.
He sighs, looks at Gara and tries to read beyond the anger. This should be easy, they are used to communicating without words-but this time around, Kyo has some difficulty figuring the other out. For one, Gara is not looking at him-it seems there’s something very interesting about their pairs of slippers on the floor, or the couch where they’re sitting, or the coffee table in front of them. Secondly, Kyo knows the other usually pulls his knees to his chest as a way to better hide his expression when he’s upset. It’s his way of silently telling other people to fuck off and leave him alone; because he won’t talk about whatever it is that stirred the crab inside of him-and he's not doing that now. Third, he’s not wearing a permanent scowl, most of the time he’s had a blank look on his face that also worries Kyo. It doesn’t add up-if Gara was angry at him for real, he would have given better signs, albeit unconsciously.
“What is it?”
Gara moves his head to look at him so suddenly that Kyo is surprised, though no more than the other, judging by the look on his face. The temporary confusion makes Kyo frown, and once again it’s no more than Gara, who draws his eyebrows together as if wanting to form one sole line across his own face. Then Kyo realizes he’s actually spoken those three words aloud instead of just quietly wondering to himself, and he has a hard time weighing what to say next as fast as he can.
He finally settles down on being honest. This is Gara, after all.
“Do you want me to go away?”
The words ring between them and Kyo hears his own voice like an alarm going off-this is not what he wanted to say, but it’s what he needed to and almost wouldn’t dare. Gara stiffens whenever he tries to touch him; they’ve been mostly silent around each other for half a fucking week and-they’re supposed to be supporting one another, to be helping each other heal... Instead, there’s this hurt that Kyo notices on the corner of the other’s eyes, the desperate way with which he tries to hide the beginning of a breakdown, teeth biting into the lower lip to hold his chin still…
Kyo wants to hit himself so hard he might as well break the coffee table with his head jamming into it. That’s not the right question. Perhaps a necessary one, but far from being what Gara needs to hear. At least he knows he hasn’t kept the other company in vain or, even worse, against Gara’s own will.
But what is it?
“Gara…” he breathes his name, frustration unavoidably revealed through the air leaving his lungs, but then-maybe there’s something else to the way he said the younger one’s name, he doesn’t know, but what matters is Gara swallowing everything down and looking into his eyes. Really looking into them.
“You know I haven’t…” his voice breaks and he breathes almost viciously, as if blaming the air for the burn in his eyes. He shakes his head in a particular way Kyo’s seen him doing when Gara is angry for disagreeing with his own thoughts, but it doesn’t make sense-Gara’s angry at himself? Kyo doesn’t have time to question that, though, for the following statement cuts into him first. “I need to… I need to cry because of him, Kyo… but I can’t.”
But you-you look like you’re about to, and you’re not letting yourself do it-
Gara rubs at his eyes and covers his face. He remains still like that for a few seconds, or a lot, an eternity, and Kyo tries to read him once more. He needs to understand Gara, he needs to know what to do or what to say; he needs to help him.
Kyo moves his head almost imperceptively, arguing with himself, until he decides to just reach out and try to ged hold of Gara’s hands-
And Gara yanks his hands free as if struck by his touch. Kyo’s eyes widen-this has never happened before and he feels betrayed by Gara’s reaction. He doesn’t acknowledge the pain building in his chest, though; he’s still more preoccupied with Gara than anything else.
Gara has stood up from the couch and his fingers are now yanking at his hair. Kyo is reminded of Daisuke’s antics and how the brunette used to do exactly that in so many occasions, be them extreme or random ones. It’s his turn to press his lips together and keep the walls as hard as they’ve always been.
“I’m so selfish…”
It’s a soft, sheepish mumble, and for a moment Kyo doubts that’s what Gara really said, but then the taller vocalist is moving his head from side to side as if reprimanding himself, and the words come out again, voice a little louder, the anger not so beneath the surface.
“Your hands are cold, Kyo…” he says, and it sounds as if he’s trying to explain himself. Kyo realizes that’s exactly what Gara's doing, though he doesn’t know if he should be offended or dumbstruck for that remark. However, when Gara turns around to face him again, he just waits, because that look is almost too much for him to take. “Your hands are cold…” he repeats as he sits beside Kyo. He takes one cold hand between his even colder ones, and Kyo tries to conceal just how much the desperation in those eyes are affecting him. “Your lips are cold, too… I’m so cold…”
And then it hits him-
“Gara…”
-but Gara is not listening. He’s looking at their entwined hands as if those held the answer to everything, which in fact would be nice because that’s what Kyo’s thinking right now.
Kyo moves his free hand up, cold fingers coming to slide along the lines of Gara’s left cheek. Gara squeezes his other hand, and for once Kyo doesn’t care if that’s asking him to stop or if it’s a sign that he’s doing the right thing-he used to be sure about this kind of stuff, but he has to somehow make Gara feel warm, thus now is not the time to concentrate on having rational thoughts.
His thumb draws an invisible curve under one eye and then his fingers move further, through Gara’s hair and slowly pulling the dark strands. It’s almost as if he’s moving in slow motion, and Gara shivers ever so slightly when his hair starts falling from Kyo’s fingers and then back around his face, little by little.
“You’re cold,” Kyo’s voice is but a soft whisper, and Gara nods; Kyo feels like they’re about to understand each other again. “You and I… it seems we can’t cry because of that idiot, right?”
Gara’s breath is half a soundless cry and half a strangled laugh, and Kyo knows, he just knows this has everything to do with them feeling numb, empty, overwhelmed, alone, sad and angry and cold.
“Why would that make you selfish, Gara?”
He starts raking his fingers through the other’s hair again, pulls and pushes and messes it all up, all the time moving as if this was a whole new experiment that demanded him to be careful and thus feel as if time didn’t exist. They’re cold, and they’re slow, and they’re looking into each other’s eyes again. Kyo swallows; Gara’s despair is covered by some kind of unexpected acceptance that undermines his thoughts once more.
“It feels like I’m dead, Kyo… I don’t want to feel like this, but at the same time… you know these stupid wishes we have sometimes, just because we think things could be different if… if only…” he trails off, but Kyo doesn’t need to hear the rest. He doesn’t want to, either.
“You’re not dead. You’re not going to die. You don’t wish Daisuke hadn’t done this or that, I know you don’t, you just can’t accept this yet.” The vehemence in his voice makes Gara go very still, and Kyo nods to himself, pleased to notice they seem to be making some sense out of this. “I’ve had those thoughts myself, Gara… we just need a little time.”
Gara doesn’t answer, at least not in words. He does seem to lean into Kyo’s personal space, though, as if silently asking for something, and Kyo would smile if he could, if it were appropriate. Instead, he slowly unfolds his hand from between Gara’s ones and moves ten digits through his scalp, fingernails gently raking through that brown mane. Gara moves a little closer, the air between them gradually shifts, and Kyo’s fingers don’t feel as cold as they did a minute ago.
Kyo’s the one to dive in and hold their lips together for a second, unhurriedly ruffling his hair even more, the strokes as soft as feathers falling on Gara’s head.
I need to feel alive.
Kyo doesn’t know if that’s his own truth coming to the surface or if that’s what he got from Gara’s body language-maybe it’s both, because they’re certainly sharing something now, in their own silent way.
I need to feel that you’re alive, too.
Gara’s fingers close around the hem of his shirt and Kyo feels the warmth through the fabric, as well as the building determination in the lips that press against his own. The tongue to meet his is hot and firm and slow, as lazy as the warmth emerging between and through them.
When Kyo opens one eye to peek at Gara, the frown has temporarily disappeared, as well as the stiffness in his body.
They’re moving, and they’re trying, and they’re slow because they’re alive.
XXX
To read my other fics, click here.